Unsent Letters to My Fantasy Baseball Team

Baseball Haiku: Mr. Johnson

2009-06-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

Rainy in D.C.
Three hundred wins for Randy.
Proud in Seattle.

--Grandpa D

Baseball Haiku: Dear John

2009-05-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome, John Lackey.
Two pitches (!) then ejection.
Less than expected.

--Grandpa D Pitching Coach

Greinke for President

2009-05-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

Six starts. 6-0 with 54Ks and only 8 walks in 45 innings, 2 earned runs, no homers and a microscopic ERA and WHIP. Wow.

--Grandpa D Media Relations

[Not bad for the 12th round, 119th pick in the WATBL draft.]

Dear Jacoby Ellsbury:

2009-04-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

Your steal of home with the bases loaded against the Damn Yankees was one for the ages (even if your head first slide was initiated by a somewhat awkward stumble, belly-flop body bounce).

You are our hero.

--Grandpa D Coaching Staff.

Video link:
http://boston.redsox.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=4316579&c_id=bos

Baseball Haiku: Weekend Match-up Pitching

2009-04-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

Burnett v. Peavy:
Even aces can falter.
But why this ugly?

Dear Blizzard hitters,

2009-04-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

That is more like it. Thank you.

A Tip of the Cap to Albert

2009-04-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

A Fan's Dilemma

2009-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

Is Washburn for real?
The waiver wire beckons me.
The question lingers.

Dear Mike Aviles,

2009-04-20T10:27:00.001-07:00

Recent correspondence with you and your colleagues may have led you to believe that you had a two-day grace period in which to demonstrate that you should not be dropped. Management has instead opted to make an example of you, and has welcomed aboard Aaron Hill as your replacement, effective immediately. (Please see Section III, Paragraph 4(a), of your contract on Management's right to terminate you at any time.) We apologize for any confusion.

Baseball Haiku: Leading Off Week Three

2009-04-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Put on your game face.
(Brandi, power down his Mac.)
The Hurms are in town.

Dear Blizzard hitters,

2009-04-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

It is time for your two-week performance evaluation. Let us review where you stand in total accumulated statistics:

40 R (10th of 10)
10 HR (T-9th)
51 RBI (8th)
6 SB (9th)
.220 AVG (10th)
.670 OPS (10th)

That would be a pretty good week, actually. (If we pretend that AVG and OPS don't exist, which, please, let's just do that.) Except that it took you two. And that is why you have not yet won a single hitting category this season. Not even tied. Not even close.

That is a truly dismal performance, and you should all hang your heads in shame.

Now let us discuss each of you individually, shall we?

Geovany Soto: I didn't really want to spend a 6th-round pick on a catcher in the first place. So far you are not making me feel any better about that.
Prince Fielder: .175/.652? Really? Please eat a cheeseburger. Or three.
Mike Aviles: You are two days from getting dropped.
Chris Davis: 18 strikeouts in 39 at-bats is more than a little scary. Then you hit home runs in back-to-back days, and it looked like you were coming around, yet for some reason those home runs resulted in you sitting out the next game. Yes, the one where the Rangers scored 19 runs and Ian Kinsler had more hits than most of you had all season at that point. Please give Ron Washington my regards.
Jose Reyes: Your numbers are satisfactory. Thank you.
Josh Hamilton: Yours are not. You have struck out 10 times in your last 17 at-bats. Please stop swinging at the first pitch.
Carlos Lee: You hit the team's first home run of the season (six days in!), and for that I applaud you. But .238/.697?
Jason Bay: Your numbers are exceptional, a beacon of light in the darkness. You are hereby promoted directly from Third Outfielder to Team Captain. Your immediate duties will include locating cheeseburgers for Prince Fielder and showing Josh Hamilton how to not swing at the first pitch.
Jay Bruce: I have fond memories of your first few weeks in the majors last year, and the consensus seemed to be that your talent would emerge this year. So far the results have more resembled the remainder of your season last year, of which I do not have such fond memories.
Matt Wieters: You get a pass for now. But it would be nice if you actually do something when you do get the call.

Given the massive discrepancy between assembled level of talent and actual results thus far, here is what I am going to assume: You are all planning a surprise party for me! Any minute now you're all going to leap out from behind the furniture wearing funny hats and shout, "Surprise! Look, we got you some hits!" And I'll say (and I will mean every word): "Thank you, thank you so much, it's just what I wanted."

Dear MLB TV,

2009-04-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Is this what it feels like to win? I've never been in first place before, and since I highly doubt I'll be there again, I better give my acceptance speech now. I'd like to thank MLB TV for beginning their inaugural broadcast during my maternity leave. I'd especially like to thank Harold Reynolds and team for letting me know that the Florida Marlins had one of the best starting rotations in baseball. I'd like to thank my husband, Mr. Commish, for talking nonstop about "his guys" over the past three years so that I have learned about players I would have never known about by osmosis. I'd like to thank Noah, whose residence in my belly during last year's fantasy season caused me to barely pay attention to my team, making for a most unfortunate season, which makes this one look that much better. And I'd like to thank Alexei Ramirez, one of my very few Latin players, who admitted that he just doesn't play well in the cold, but, to his credit, is going to try to fight through it. You are a true hero. Some day soon, it will be warm. And then I fear for the production of all my American-born players. But until then (or until next week), I'm in first place!

Baseball Haiku: Historic Saturdays in Blizzards History

2009-04-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Prince, Jose, Jason!
The universe is at peace.
Four home runs today.

Manager's Journal: April 11, 2009

2009-04-11T04:42:00.000-07:00

A home run! Carlos Lee—steady, reliable Carlos—was the one who spotted it. He already had two singles on the day, and Reyes told me later that Carlos had stopped nearly in mid-stride, retrieved a pair of field binoculars, and raised them to his eyes. Reyes asked him what he was looking at. Carlos lowered the binoculars again, gritted his teeth, and muttered what Reyes said sounded like "Fastball!" Then he took off, barreling across the sun-blasted plains, gripping his bat in both hands. Reyes ran after him. He told me that it took Carlos a little while to get up to full speed, but then not even Reyes could have caught him, such was his determination.

By now the rest of us had taken notice. No one seemed to know what was happening; we all thought Carlos had finally broken, that we might have to chase him down, tie him to a board, and drag his raving bulk behind us the rest of the season. But then Jason Bay shouted, "Home run! Home run! Home run!" and he took off as well. The pitchers huddled together, confused and frightened—they thought Varitek had reappeared, that he was coming for them the way he had already come for Shields and Percival. But the hitters lost no time in following Bay's lead.

Carlos stood on top of a rising dune, bat in hand, silhouetted against the fading sun like a rotund Greek god. The home run was truly a colossal, majestic thing, and when they reached it the hitters all stood in awe before its power, marveling that such a thing really existed, that a ball could be hit so far as to actually clear the outfield wall, and find itself in whatever mythical lands of gold and garlic fries lay beyond.

That night we celebrated, dancing and feasting and toasting mighty Carlos long into the night. Aaron Harang played his lute, with Jay Bruce accompanying him on wood block and triangle. The men had been so overwhelmed with joy that they seemed to forget that they might hit too—Carlos's home run was, in fact, also the only run and RBI anyone managed to find that day, and he provided three of our five total hits. I did not mention that we were still down 7-3, with little hope holding on to even that much through Sunday night, not against the seemingly endless gauntlet of two-start pitchers still to come from our opponent. It mattered little. Today the home run was enough.

Manager's Journal: April 10, 2009

2009-04-10T04:32:00.000-07:00

Fielder ate the map. Hamilton and Chris Davis, walking behind him, had begun taunting him with cries of "herbivore, herbivore," and finally Fielder spun around and said, "Hey, is paper a vegetable?"

"Herbivore!" shouted Davis, who had gotten carried away.

Fielder smiled grimly, pulled out the map, unfurled it into the wind, and then stuffed it in his mouth. Hamilton and Davis gaped at him. Carlos Lee saw what Fielder was doing and charged toward him, but Carlos was not drafted for speed and he was too far away to stop it. The map was gone. Under other circumstances it would have been impressive, the swiftness with which that amount of paper disappeared, something that we might all have chipped in a few stolen bases to see at a carnival sideshow. Fielder shouted at Davis to back off or he'd eat him next, because by the time Fielder was done with him he'd be a vegetable too.

I fined Fielder three RBIs even though he has only one. I told him to get the other two from Hamilton.

(Later Hamilton and Davis came to ask me whether paper was, in fact, a vegetable. It does come from trees, Hamilton pointed out, but a vegetable? That doesn't sound right. I kicked them out of the tent.)

The home run drought continues. By now I have begun to doubt whether they even exist, and are not some fairy tale told for the comfort of children who still believe that it is possible to make gains in five categories with one swing. At camp—after another punishing day in a seemingly endless series, a 3-for-25 monstrosity that left everyone dejected and drained—the hitters all stood around waving their bats in the air, trying to hit rocks off into the weeds, missing more often than not. Some were holding their bats at the wrong end, or even in the middle, but I said nothing, not wanting to embarrass them. Morale is low enough as it is. Carpenter's unexpected run at a no-hitter helped, but even as we cheered for him we all realized that it would not be enough, not nearly.

Pujols' OPS has given us a slight respite, retreating to 1.397, but coupled with the .500 batting average it still feels like the wrath of an angry and terrible God bearing down on us. Last night the men broke down and wept and told Pujols that if he would only relent, they would change their ways, they would build monuments and statues and worship at his feet and hit higher than .183. Now Jorge Posada—Jorge Posada—has added his own 1.302, and Aramis Ramirez is at 1.143, and Lance Berkman is at 1.062, and we have no map, and dear God, we are lost.

Journal Reply Haiku

2009-04-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

We watch from on high
they of no joy, no homers.
Next week is it us?

Manager's Journal: April 9, 2009

2009-04-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

We are close to madness. Yesterday a home run—shimmering, glorious—appeared on the horizon, and the men cast aside their packs and supplies and ran toward it, whooping. When they discovered it was a mirage, dying on the warning track for an easy out, they sank into glum silence. Even Reyes, always ready to cheer the other men with a joke or a stolen base, stood to one side and kicked forlornly at the rocks.

The sun is relentless. The sand clings to everything. Our batting average and OPS are rapidly diminishing; our WHIP is too high, our strikeouts too few. Shields keeps apologizing to anyone who will listen—"Who knew Varitek could even still swing?" he says—but few will, anymore. Only K-Rod, with his two spotless saves, seems unaffected by the malaise. He and Fuentes had become fast friends, but now Fuentes is cracking like the rest and K-Rod wants nothing to do with him. "I only talk to people who have gotten at least 60 saves in a season," he says, before reminding us yet again that he's the only one. I fear the two may come to blows.

Soto's shoulder is getting worse. Milledge is getting benched. Bedard mutters continually about how it was a strike to Cuddyer, a strike, even Cuddyer said so. He has begun obsessively sharpening a bit of flint as we walk and has carved the name "Meriweather" into the blade. When we ask what it means he just glares at us and says he doesn't do interviews.

We are down 9-1. It is not close. Pujols' 1.714 OPS is like an optical illusion. Soon we may have to consider eating Prince Fielder just to survive another few days.

God help us all.

Response Haiku: Thursday, No Hope in Sight

2009-04-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

Still not one home run

Aviles leads team OPS

Better next week, guys?

Baseball Haiku: Mariners vs Twins Tonight

2009-04-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Real world: go M's!
but in our FantasyLand
no-no for Slowey.

--Grandpa D

From "The Hurms: An Unofficial Team Biography"

2009-03-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

WATBL '08 - Final Standings

2008-09-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

A crazy and unprecedented photo finish this year. Final standings:

Vitamin D: Annual winner of the WATBL Add-Drop Award (remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem), an underdog roaring from 23.5 games back to squeak by the Honey Nut Ichiros, demolish the Wisconsin Blizzards, and then (apparently) defeat Coliseo de Gallos when (what appears to have been) a zeroth-hour Yahoo recalculation (evidently) dropped his WHIP the last necessary hundredth of a point to eke out a 6-5 victory, well after Coliseo had (seemingly) locked up a 6-6 win via ERA tiebreaker. Instant replays have been inconclusive, as have investigations into the fundamental mathematical principles that underlie our very universe. Perhaps the CERN Large Hadron Collider will provide some answers once they have the helium leak repaired, currently scheduled for spring 2009. The Higgs boson may be implicated. We will keep everyone apprised.
Coliseo de Gallos: A truly astonishing defeat, for her second consecutive second-place finish. Winner of the She Took First Place in the Other League We Play In by Crushing Your Humble Commissioner in the Final Playoff Round, So Nobody Feel Too Bad Award.
Wisconsin Blizzards: Your humble commissioner and last year's victor, finishing the regular season in first place with a commanding 8.5-game lead, eliminated by HIS OWN FATHER in the second playoff round. Whether said father will be receiving a Christmas gift this year remains to be seen.
Green Man: An excellent overall showing from the fantasy-baseball rookie, finishing the regular season in firm possession of second place. Stocking up on members of the unstoppable 2008 Cubs proved a much better strategy than Vitamin D's and the Obamariners' reliance on 2007 Mariners last year. (Go Cubs!! This is the year!!!) Winner of the For God's Sake, Why Did Nobody Make Me an Offer for CC Sabathia, Leaving Me to Trade Him Away for ERIK FREAKING BEDARD, Who Did Not Pitch a SINGLE Inning for Me, While CC as a Brewer Appeared to Be the Second Coming of Walter Johnson Award.
Honey Nut Ichiros: Unfortunately found herself in the path of future league winner Vitamin D in the first playoff round. Co-winner of the Best Team Picture Award.
Obamariners: The other co-winner of the Best Team Picture Award. His hopes now rest on the real Obama finishing above .500 in November.
Upper Deck: Victor in the consolation playoffs, and winner of the Best Auto-Picked Team Award.
Glitterbugz: Production of the Wisconsin BlizzardBug continues on schedule. Winner of the This Baby Will NOT Be Born in a World in Which the Cubs Have Not Won a World Series in 100 Years, Go Cubs Go, They've Got the Power, They've Got the Speed, To Be the Best in the National League, And So Forth Award.
Full Season Fizzlers: A honeymoon trip coinciding with WATBL Draft Day left him hobbled from the start--a mistake he surely will not make next year. Winner of the Most Romantic Ninth-Place Finish Award.
B.C. Goonies: Someone has to finish last--but he can take pride in his shiny Best Team from Canada Award.

Thanks, and see everyone next year! (And, if I haven't made it clear: Go Cubs!!)

Jim, aka Wisconsin Blizzards
WATBL Commissioner

Last Letter of the Season

2008-09-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

Saturday night. September 27. It comes down to this: After two little noticed and sporadically observed championship playoff weeks, we are Vitamin D-lighted to be tied with Coliseo de Gallos. 6-6. One day to go. Half the categories still up for grabs. Good luck, Liza. (...but I really wish ERA was not the tie-breaker.)

...to be continued.

Sunday afternoon. One game left...and...we're still tied. Alas, we have no pitchers left and we can't make up that measly 0.01 WHIP we need to make it 6-5-1. Unfortunately, the Commish confirms that ERA is the tie-breaker. So ... congratulations to Liza.

Now, we're on to cheering the production of New Baby Human 1.0 in Madison in a few weeks.

--Vitamin D-uncan a/k/a Grandpa 2B.

Monday morning update: We won?

Bow Down to Carlos Z:

2008-09-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

'nuff said. Well done.

--Vitamin D-elighted at your performance (Liz saw it on TV) and that we (Vitamin D) weren't facing you.

Dear Commish:

2008-09-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well, Dad2B, we are close going into the final day. Only HR, RBI, SB, & W appear to be decided and they are split 2-2. We each have only one starter going, both are middle-of-the-staff types (Danks for you; Myers for me). You apparently have at least 9 closers to my 3, so odds are good for you in Saves. The rest are up for grabs.

We're off to enjoy the last rays of summer. Cheers.

--Grandpa2B (11:00 am PDT)

Ps: Ok, just checked at 3:30 PDT. Yikes. We're ahead, but on the verge of a meltdown. Here's where we are:

...to be continued. Nap time now.
--G2B.

End of Day: Jim, you called it in our tele conf this afternoon: thanks in no small part to Louis Ayala who went "inf" in relief for the Mets, we finish 8-3 and are in the finals. Wow. Nice. (And it's on the same day that Carlos Z threw the first Cubs' No-No in approximately 40 years.)

On to more important things: Looking forward to seeing you and the Mrs. and Baby No.1 in November.

--G2B

Dear Honey Nut Ichiros:

2008-09-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

We were a great matchup in Round One of the 2008 WATBL playoffs. Matchup was 6-5 in my favor on Sunday morning. You had Adam Wainwright and Cole Hamels starting; I had Josh Johnson & Paul Byrd available to start, but decided to sit Paul Byrd against the slugging Rangers. (Another Vitamin D "overthink?" Like sitting Josh Beckett this week on his first start coming off the DL, only to have him win a game, give up no runs and get 7 freaking K's!)

[to be continued...I'm off to do yard work in the Seattle sun.]

Eight hours later ... here's where we ended up Sunday night.

Whew! That was waaaay close ... and even closer than it looks. We were tied (6-6) going into the last game on the last day. I had two hitters left (Rollins, Delgado) who were hitting against Santana and Hamels, respectively. And the white hot Cole Hamels, was your remaining player. Yikes.

Rollins tanked, of course (oh-fer against Johann), but Carlos surprisingly hammered Cole for 2 HRs (l-o-n-g, too) and the threat to WHIP was gone and HR's were now tied ... and we escaped with at 6-5 win.

So ... good match, Jen. See you next spring for the Baby X "coming out party."

--Vitamin D Ownership.

Ps: Yes, 20-20 hindsight shows The Sitting of Paul Byrd was a mistake as he went 6.2 innings with no earned runs and got the W against the suddenly anemic Rangers. (Combined with Beckett boo-boo mentioned above, it cost us the W's category.)

Dear WATBL Owners:

2008-09-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've seen some good pitching in playoffs (and, granted, we're not "done" with Friday night of Round the Oneth, c. 2008), but I found this pretty impressive. When is the last time you saw five (5) pitchers that were all under 2.00 ERA and under 1.00 WHIP in the same head-to-head matchup series ... after this many innings?

--Vitamin D-elighted at the quality pitching in our series. (Way to pick'm, Jen.)

Dear Vitamin D-isaster....

2008-08-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

Your clubhouse privileges are hereby revoked. You'll find a supply of cat food and Perrier water at the back door. Please use it wisely. Thank you. ---Management. listen

Powered by Jott

Dear One of the Many Jose's in WATBL:

2008-07-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

... in this case, Mr. Valverde of the Houston Not-So-Astronomics. Nice game, Senor Closer.

Which translates into a daily stat against the Mighty Blizzzzzards) of ...

---Vitamin D-isinclined to renew your contract

Dear Josh Hamilton:

2008-07-15T18:37:00.001-07:00

Don't get cocky, kid.

--Vitamin D-efinitely Impressed

Ps: Oh. Didn't see it? Check out the video.

Dear Shrinking Vitamin D Fan Base:

2008-07-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, July One, 2008.

We know. We know. We're working the problem. Needless to say, the GM is on Double Secret Probation and ownership is searching Craig's List for a replacement.

The Good (please fill glass half-full first): Jenn didn't shut us out last week!

The Bad* (please empty glass, then fill with forlorn hope): Senor Fuentes yesterday, the stats for which we were watching in horror at the Ms vs Jays game last night (with The Commish and Mrs. Commish, Glitterbabyz2B):

The Just Plain Dumb (feel free to bang head -- repeatedly -- on desk or other hard surface): we left 2 Ws and 14 Ks on the freaking bench yesterday -- the straw that pushed ownership over the edge:

--Vitamin D-umb PR Department

* Late breaking (more) bad news: "RF Magglio Ordonez was placed on the 15-day disabled list Sunday with a pulled right oblique and lat muscle suffered in the first inning Saturday night. He told reporters the pain increased overnight. Ordonez, batting .307 with 12 home runs and 50 RBI, had not missed a game this season. "I don't want to take a chance," said Ordonez, third Tiger this month to go on the DL due to an oblique muscle pull.

Dear Rich Harden,

2008-06-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

I love you:

Innings pitched: 8.0
K: 11
ERA: 0.00
WHIP: 0.38

Please don't get hurt...I don't think I can take it (again).

-The Management

p.s. Thank you for shaving that horrible beard thing you were sporting before I had to blog about it.

Medic!! Shrink!!

2008-06-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Update:

Meanwhile, in the WTH? Department, we have these two classic Vitamin D-umbfounded Moments:

Bradley then went back to the clubhouse and broke down in tears. "I'm tired of people bringing me down," Bradley said to his teammates. "It wears on you. I love you guys, all you guys. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. All I want to do is play baseball and make a better life for my kid than I had." (Milton "So, S0 Fragile" Bradley)

obviously I want to thank my parents for giving me life (Bartolo Colon)

Latest Yahoo Vitamin D news:

inflamed right elbow (Todd Wellemeyer)
in a rehab assignment (Santiago Casilla)
still winless for the season in both the minors and the majors (Clayton Kershaw)
slowed by a virus for several days (Josh Hamilton)
started the season poorly due to a bad back (Placido Palanco)
complained about extra moisture on the baseballs (come on, Josh Beckett!)
left with a limp (Milton Bradley)
mild soreness in his left knee (Jose Valverde)
given a day off Monday night (Grady Sizemore)

Suck ... it ... up. Take an Anti-Wussie Pill. Do something. At 1-11 you can only get better.

--Vitamin D-isgusted Ownership

Dear Mr. Diddly:

2008-06-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

Thanks for memories ... and lyrics.

"I got 47 miles of barbed wire/I use a cobra snake for a necktie/I got a brand new house by the road side/Made from rattlesnake hide/I got a brand new chimney up on top/Made from a human skull/Now come on, baby, take a walk with me now/And tell me, who do you love?"

--Vitamin D-iddly for the Day

Dear Little Leaguers:

2008-06-08T07:14:00.001-07:00

Listen up.

(big) Thumbs down

Jimmy Rollins, Phillies: Rollins, the reigning National League MVP, failed to run out a pop fly (eventually dropped by the shortstop) and was yanked from Thursday's game by Phillies manager Charlie Manuel.

(small) Thumbs up

Jimmy Rollins, Phillies: Rather than making excuses or fuming at Manuel, Rollins cheered on his team during the game and owned up to his mistake. "It's my fault. I can't get mad at him," Rollins said.

Dear Mssrs. Wells:

2008-06-07T11:19:00.001-07:00

Sorry, you can't play in our league.

Dear Mr. El Natural

2008-06-03T09:37:00.001-07:00

Josh: Nice work. (Please don't revert to the mean.)

-- Owners of Vitamin D-elighted we got you in the 17th (!) Round as pick #169 (after recent unlamented dropees, Chad Cordero, Jeremy Bonderman, Carlos Delgado, Travis Hafner, Rickie Weeks, Chris (the tall one) Young, Manny Corpus, George Posada, etc ... sheesh, what a horrible draft!)

------------------------------------
Jun 3 The Associated Press reports Texas Rangers OF Josh Hamilton homered in his third straight game Monday, June 2. He leads the majors with 65 RBIs and leads the American League with 16 homers.

Jun 2 Hamilton, who has made an inspiring comeback from drug and alcohol abuse, was chosen as the American League player of the month for May on Monday. Hamilton became the first American League player to win the monthly award in April and May the same season.

Advice: Hamilton went into a Monday night game against Cleveland hitting .328 with a major league-best 63 RBIs, 13 more than the next-closest player. He led the AL with 15 homers, 77 hits and 25 multihit games. Hamilton had eight homers and 29 RBIs in May, when the Rangers won 19 games for their winningest month since June 1983. [This is "advice?" How about, "We advise you to never bench this guy (or let him get near a pharmacy)?"]

Dear Magglio:

2008-05-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Nice day, dude.

--Your appreciative Vitamin D-ominating Ownership.

Ps: Josh Hamilton: don't even think we're not preparing
a mega-first-half celebration for your post-rehab performance:

as the #2 ranked Yahoo! MLB Fantasy player of 2008.

Dear Vitamin D pitching staff:

2008-05-24T06:33:00.001-07:00

First, Chris Young, now Senor Valverde?? "May 23 RHP Jose Valverde was able to secure his 15th save of the season moments after getting struck on the cheek by a line drive off the bat of Pedro Feliz. Valverde lay motionless for nearly a minute before hopping to his feet and finishing the game."

Put up your freaking glove.

--Vitamin D-uh Ownership Pool

Dear Chris Young:

2008-05-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

Don't you wish you were 6 foot 2 instead of 6 foot 10?

"When I hit it, I thought it was going over his head," Pujols said. "But it hit him right in the face. "There was blood all over the place and I began to pray about it and make sure it was all right."

Out of a misguided sense of sympathy and loyalty, we won't drop you this week.

--Vitamin D-amaged Ownership

Dear Vitamin D "Pitching Staff":

2008-05-11T22:02:00.001-07:00

Look, you can't all be the #5 starter on this team.

You're being paid big bucks, the trainer is providing you with lots of nutritional supplements and your ERA's are in double digits? Chris Young, ferchrisakes, is the star for the day? Can we set the bar any lower?

Sheesh.

--Vitamin D-isgruntled shareholders.

Ps: 70 Ks for the week is nice but, good grief, you were giving up 1 HR for every 5 strikeouts! Fourteen (14) HRs for the week? Double-sheesh.

Ps2: Glass is 1/2 Full Dept: at least you kept the ERA in double-digits. How about the triple digit performance of Dodger Jonathan Broxton against Houston this fine, sunny Mothers Day?

Dear Team Vitamin D-eficient:

2008-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

When I said, "Go for it" to our pitching staff before today's games, I intended for you all to "think low" ERA and WHIP to catch up with the Obamariners' staff.

Instead you post ... this:

In a word, "Aaaaagh."

---Vitamin D-ying Here

Dear Brandon Webb:

2008-05-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

This tip of the WATBL hat's for you, BDubya. 8-0. Nice start to the season.

(Reached on his cell phone, Brandon told the WATBL News, "I owe it all to Vitamin D.")

---Your growing fan base in the PacNW.

Dear LSF 5/1 Starting Lineup,

2008-05-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

Just checking in before I call it a day and I noticed that ya'll have put up a stellar line of 0/17 with 4 runs and an RBI. Ummmm...what? In case you haven't noticed, the Bugz have gone 6/11 today and have taken over the BA and OPS lead. Feel free to get a hit at any time. Thanks

Has anyone ever gotten no-hit in Fantasy play?

I guess the only consolation is that we are still hitting over .300 for the week...

-A seriously disappointed Fizz management team

Dear John Boy (Cueto):

2008-04-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, my. I guess we knew this was possible for one so young... but .. Oh, my, this was ugly. Doubtful any WATBL pitcher will collapse this far in one start in ERA and WHIP. (WATBL owners: by all means, feel free to have one of your pitchers knock Johnny off that "pedestal.")

Shall we dissect it further? Sure, what the heck. Here's what happened in inning the first:

Here's what occurred in the 2/3 inning of the second that you lasted.
You got Albert, but ...mmmm...the rest was not pretty:

You hang in there, J.C. We're with you... especially if this is the bottom.

-- Vitamin D Ownership

Dear Hunter Pence, Jim Thome, Hideki Matsui, and Evan Longoria,

2008-04-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

The four of you are all excellent players, but unfortunately I only have two free starting spots to fit you in. Over the last week I just took my best guess at who to play each day, and this was the result:

- Whoever was active: 9/42 (.214), 5 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 0 SB
- Whoever was benched: 18/42 (.429), 12 R, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 2 SB

Now, perhaps you're getting nervous when you know you're in the lineup, and fortunately the Blizzards were still able to pull out a 10-1-1 victory on the last two days over the very lovely and incomparably talented Glitterbugz. But in the future, please notify me each day in writing of the number and type of hits you plan to have that day so that management can plan accordingly. Thank you.

Dear Francisco Liriano,

2008-04-24T13:59:00.001-07:00

No no no no no no no no no no no no nooooooooooo please remember how to pitch.

Dear Commish:

2008-04-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

What would it take to give us all more roster moves? With the sorry physical condition of this year's crop of supposedly professional ball players and the sorry state of my draft I'm in danger of exhausting my alloted roster moves before Independence Day.

Rickie Weeks? Gone. Jimmy Rollins? Gone. Pat Burrell? Gone. (Ooooops.) Whorehey Posada? Gone. Chad "Stupid Grin" Cordero, my "ace" closer? Gone. And now, Manny "Gag Me With a Smurf" Corpas decides to go postal. Gone. Carlos Delgado? Just about to be Gone. Sheesh.

Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze, give us some more.

Thank you,

--Vitamin D (for Desparate) Ownership, on behalf of my fellow and fellowette owners.

Dear Late Season Fizzlers,

2008-04-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

WTF? First Curtis "20, 20, 20" Granderson goes on the DL with a broken hand? Fine. Then, Kelvim Escobar goes on the DL with a torn labrum and may miss the season (or potentially end his career). Ok, we'll manage. Then Kaz "Oww, My Butt Hurts" Matsui gets an anal fissure...not touching that...Now we got Torii Hunter with a big toe, Gary Sheffield with a shoulder, and new comer Wandy Rodriguez on the DL with a groin.

We are not the DLs. We do not draft pitchers who are known to be out until August prior to the draft and we do not draft pitchers who have not pitched a full season in 4 years, no matter how good they are.

Meanwhile, our best player, Albert "POO-holes" Pujols is playing with an elbow that is hanging on by a thread.

Please get well soon. We need all the help we can get so we can work our way to the top and roll over and die in the playoffs.

Thanks,
The Fizz Management

Dear Rickie Weeks:

2008-04-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Dude, your season-long flirtation with the Mendoza Line is starting to infect the rest of the team. Now you've dragged Hafner & Grady down with you for the week. The fifteen runs scored is nice (and the only reason you're in the lineup), but having the same number of Ks as Hits is ridiculous. Your role is to get on-base, not be a free swinging "slugger." Capiche?

--- Vitamin D Management

Dear Chad Cordero:

2008-04-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Wipe that stupid grin off your face. Your so-called "fastball" was initially clocked in the 70's yesterday... and "topped out" at 82. Get your behind back on the DL where you belong you %&%$#*

--Vitamin D Ownership (warming up in the bullpen)

Dear Roy Oswalt,

2008-04-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

OK, so perhaps I was a little hasty in my previous post, but even you have to admit—your first three starts, in which you went 0-3 against the Padres, Cubs, and Marlins with a 9.00 ERA and 2.00 WHIP (16 ER and 30 H, including 5 HRs, in 16 IP), were not inspiring confidence. Although I was pleased to have you as a #3 starter, your sudden emergency role as ace of the Blizzard staff during DL stints for both Erik Bedard and John Lackey was making even the normally stoic Dice-K a little nervous.

But excellent work yesterday, sir, and against the Phillies no less! (Phillies without Rollins and Victorino, but still.)

Dear Brad Penny and Yahoo!,

2008-04-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Brad - Good luck tonight against the Steelers!

Yahoo(ps)! - Seriously, the Steelers?

Fizz Management

Dear Erik Bedard and John Lackey,

2008-04-15T18:11:00.001-07:00

You've left me with this guy as my ace starter. Gee, thanks.

Dear Chris Young (the alleged pitcher, not the batter)

2008-04-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Thank you. Thank you, very much, you tall drink of ineptitude.

I went to bed (admittedly early) comfortable with a 7-3 match-up lead, including a 2.25 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. I was ready to rest the staff Sunday (and not risk starting Mr. Hot & Cold, Young Johnny Cueto). So ... I wake up to an ERA that has ballooned to three point nine one (3.91) and we're behind in WHIP. Huh? Investigation of this calamity led me to the Yahoo "splat" next to your name. And I quote:

"Apr 13 RHP Chris Young threw 80 pitches in three-plus innings, allowing seven runs, seven hits and four walks. Young retired only nine of the 21 batters he faced."

Another Yahoo reporter was more judgmental:

"Apr 12 Young was absolutely awful Saturday night, allowing seven runs and eleven base runners in only three innings of work. He walked four, struck out two, and allowed home runs to Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier. He actually looked even worse than his final pitching line during the game--which is really saying something. Just an ugly game all around."

This is what it looks like in the official WATBL stats for the day:

Eighteen?? Almost four walks+hits per inning?? Please consider re-joining your buddy, Rich Harden, on the DL. After all you both had great layabout seasons there in '07. That way I can add Rick Ankiel to my staff. At least he can hit.

--Vitamin D Front Office

Dear Rich Harden,

2008-04-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder, WE ARE NOT THE DL'S THIS YEAR! You are a Honey Nut Ichiro, and Honey Nut Ichiro's do not go on the DL!

The DL is not the place of luxury that it was last year: there are no massage chairs and no all-you-can-eat buffets. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THE DL.

I'll give you a few more days to rest your arm, but then I expect to see you back to starting day form.

-The Management

Dear ESPN,

2008-03-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

I sit through the winter every year eagerly anticipating the return of baseball- my daily escape from a troubling world filled with corruption, greed, warmongering and selfish douchebaggery. So I sit down tonight to enjoy the Braves-Nationals kickoff and welcome my therapist back from vacation. My man Tim Hudson is going tonight (Dear Tim Hudson- great job tonight even if the offense made Odalis Perez look like Johan Santana) and everything is a-OK with the world.

Then suddenly, inexplicably and without warning George W Fu**ing Bush gets thrown in my face. Are you kidding me?! I have to listen to that sociopathic chucklefu** ham it up with Johnny and Joe For 3 fu**ing innings? WTF ESPN! This is not helping me relax. This is not helping me forget my troubles. I just spent the week trying to wrap my head around Iraq's tragic plunge into anarchy and here the author of that tragedy sits joking about how the biggest mistake he ever made was trading Sammy Sosa. Ahhhhhh!

Not a good start to the season, ESPN. Bad dog. No biscuit.

Sincerely,
Mike Duncan

Dear Rich Harden,

2008-03-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

How do I love thee, let me count the ways:

1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts

9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.

-The Management

Dear Manny,

2008-03-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it—I haven't entirely forgotten your pitiful start for me back in 2006. But way to bring it right out of the gate: 2 for 5 (2 doubles), 1 R, 4 RBIs. More of that, please!

Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.

Dear Late Season Fizzlers,

2008-03-24T10:32:00.001-07:00

Welcome newcomers to the team that starts off strong and finishes weak. We have a few players who were resigned (Nathan and Hunter) after putting together a solid 2007. Several of you I would not have picked had I not been in Thailand during the draft (Kaz & Loney - you top that group) but I will give you a chance (mostly because I can't find a better replacement).

Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.

Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.

Here's to career years for you all!

LSF Management

Dear Frank Thomas,

2008-02-26T12:30:00.001-08:00

Hi Big Frank!

Long time, no talk. Remember me? I caught a foul ball you hit with my bare hand.

Do you know who Aaron Hill is? He's on my fantasy team.

Your friend,

Jenn

Dear Third Outs,

2007-10-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

We are number 3! We are number 3! And we couldn't be happier. Now for some awards:

Third Outs MVP: Magglio Ordonez. Way to keep your eye on the ball! And thank you for starting to hit, with a bang, on June 1st, when it warmed up, just like you said you would.

The I Heart My Catchers Award: Victor Martinez and Jorge Posada. Thank goodness for "1st-base eligibility." You two were quite the wrecking crew and caused jealous looks from other team owners.

The Best-Closer-I-Had-Never-Heard-Of-Before Award: Jose Valverde. But seriously, could you maybe stop doing such a good job in the playoffs and blow a couple of them so the Cubs could win?

The Ace Award: Javier Vazquez. You must have seen me in the crowd in at that one Spring Training game. That is the only explanation for how good, consistently good, you were all season.

The Token White Guy Award: Tom Glavine. But really, no one else could have won it. It's kind of like running unopposed.

The Gone But Not Forgotten Award: Omar!

The Gone But Gladly Forgotten Award: All the rest of you that I had to drop! Yes, pitchers, I'm talking about you! Especially you, Colon, and you, Ervin Santana, and you, Contreras.
Way to give up a home run, or two, or maybe like five, per game.

Have a good offseason. Spend time with your family. Write some books (such as Omar! My Life On and Off the Field). Jam with your band. Take it one day at a time. Next year is your year.

Dear Global Benchwarmers,

2007-10-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

You had some rough times. Remember in April, when you were Rich Aurilia, and Jim Thome's addiction to barbecued ribs made headline news? Remember back in May, two months into the season, when you were still Neifi Perez, and when you liked to taunt me by only hitting on my bench? Remember when Brian Fuentes was a solid closer?

But then you started to turn it around, didn't you? Management made some bold trades, bringing in Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday while shipping off the likes of Jake Peavy, John Lackey, and Bobby Jenks. And then you started hitting! And you could still kind of pitch, too, thanks to inconsistent but occasionally ass-kicking youngsters like "Tiny" Tim Lincecum, Yovani "Viva" Gallardo, and Philip "Phil" Hughes! You went 29-6-1 over the last three weeks of the season to go from fourth to second (nicely done!), took a week off, and then demolished both the hapless Off the Wall II and the formerly unstoppable Lexington Legends 11-1--posting an absurd 51-8-1 record over the last six weeks of play.

Awards are handed out as follows:

Comeback Kid: David Wright, who couldn't hit it out the infield the first month and a half of the season, and finished with a ridiculous 113 R, 30 HR, 107 RBI, 34 SB, .325/.962 line
Best Add/Drop Addition: Russell Martin (for Michael "Who?" Barrett), for contributing 21 SB at the catcher position
Rookie of the Year (joint): Hunter Pence (.322/.899, 17 HR, 11 SB in 107 G) and Yovani Gallardo (9 W, 3.67 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 101:37 K:BB in 110.1 IP)
Cy Young (joint): Jake Peavy and C.C. Sabathia--for both the Benchwarmers and in "real" baseball, although C.C. will lose to Josh Beckett because Beckett's extra win was a round number
MVP: Matt Holliday--who will also garner some votes in "real" baseball, but will lose to Jimmy Rollins--for coming in early via John Lackey and Bobby Jenks and putting up a final line of 120 R, 36 HR, 137 RBI, 11 SB, .340/1.012

For those of you who were not recognized, remember, that image of a trophy on my manager page will live forever, and belongs to you.

***

To the other teams in the league who were not fortunate enough to be the Benchwarmers this year, here's how you finished:

2. Lexington Legends (aka "The Actual Best Team, Probably")
3. The Third Outs (aka "The Latin Fireballs," and winner of the league Comeback Award)
4. Off the Wall II (aka "Did You Just Hit a Home Run? Come Be On Our Team!" and winner of the league Add/Drop Award)
5. The Run-and-Hits (aka "Stupid Mariners!")
6. Grabsumpine Meats (aka "We Looked Like a Total Genius for Drafting Torii Hunter, Eric Byrnes, and Barry Bonds . . . Until the Last Month")
7. Climate Changeups! (aka "Yes, We're All Hurt, Again," and winner of the league Yes! Didn't Finish in Last! Eat It, Throbulators! Award)
8. Throbulators (aka "We Couldn't Remember How to Log In Between April and September--Did We Miss Anything?")

Hope you'll all return next year. Remember, the 2008 season is only a short six months away. It's never too early to start preparing for the draft!

P.S. Cubs all the way 2007!!!

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 25):

2007-09-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. You're all a little disoriented. You thought the season was over last Sunday and here you are forced to drag your sorry butts out of the dugout for another week of being butt kickees to the Third Outs Latino Express. Now, our General Manager has gone on a transaction binge and you don't recognize anyone in the clubhouse (or you were unceremoniously sent packing). Sorry about that.

We tried to keep him under control but when Yahoo sent him a warning that he was nearing his 60 move limit, it was like waving the proverbial red flag in front of the bull ... opening the tuna can within earshot of the cat ... showing a budget surplus to Congress: he just went nuts: eight transactions in 3 days; 4 within 10 minutes this morning!

Fausto? Gone. Josh? Gone. Carl? Joe? Justin? Gone. Gone. Gone. Yahoo cut him off at 60, but not before he flooded the mound with new starters. Three of them will go on Sunday alone.

Needless to say, he was summarily fired, but that does nothing for the damage he's done to team morale and the Off the Wall camaraderie you've developed over this l-o-n-g six month season. All we can do is apologize and say, "see you at the draft."

Adios, amigoes.

--OTW II Ownership Group

Dear Yahoo Buzz Index:

2007-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Tim Wakefield (Bos – SP) 13,299 drops
Wakefield has followed up a brilliant August (4-1 in five starts, 2.45 ERA, 0.97 WHIP in 33.0 IP) with a horrific September (two starts, 17.55 ERA, 3.15 WHIP in 6.2 IP).
Lowdown: Wakefield's poor efforts couldn't have come at a worse time, as many of the most active fantasy owners, like Round One shocker, Off the Wall II, of the West Coast Amateur Tee Ball League, are engaged in H2H playoff battles or roto stretch runs. If you took a chance on Wakefield like the trigger-happy OTW owners did , then you have my condolences."
http://tinyurl.com/2asoq4

Yeah. We noticed. Thanks for the condolences.

--- The aforementioned OTW II owners.

Ps: wouldn't have hurt to email us working stiffs that Carl Crawford chose this week to sit out his snit fit suspension.

Dear Shawn Marcum:

2007-09-13T07:31:00.001-07:00

"Sep 13 Marcum, [soon to be ex-OTWII starter] who has allowed six home runs and 22 earned runs in his last 23.1 innings, admits that he's wearing down as the season progresses according to the team's web site reports."

We're painfully aware of your recent stats, but couldn't you have sucked it up and gotten through this two-start week then gotten tired?

-- Less than Pleased in Seattle

Dear Climate Changeups!,

2007-09-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Even though we aren't in the playoffs, this is a momentous day: THE CLIMATE CHANGEUPS! HAVE NO ONE ON THE DL!

Apparently, we are SO unexciting, that Yahoo! has started giving updates about our players' teammates, rather than the players themselves. Case in point: Adrián Gonzalez

"It won't be surprising if Gonzalez's teammate Milton Bradley (right oblique) misses San Diego's entire three-game series at Los Angeles that begins on Tuesday, according to the San Diego Union-Tribune."

Thanks for the update Yahoo!

-The Not-in-Last-Place Climate Changeups! Management

Dear Team Off the Wall Dos:

2007-09-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Unpack your bags, boys. We live to fight another day!

Tied 5-5 going into Sunday, you stunned the WCATB League pundits with a 10-2 shellacking of the Mighty Meats. Well done.

Photo: Team Mom presenting home-grown bouquet to Round One MVP, her favorite ex-M heart throb, Mr. A-Rod.

(Thank you, Jenn.)

Dear Team Off the Wall Redux (Playoffs R1):

2007-09-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. There's tonight and the weekend left and its a lot closer (duh!) than 10-0 indicates, but if you guys blow this you're all walking the proverbial plank off the Digital Deep End.

Meanwhile, I'm off to buy a Prius (armed with Maria's instructions on digital buying procedures).

--Off the Wall II Ownership Group.

Dear Mariners:

2007-08-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

Say it ain't so, Jo(hn Mclaren). Swept at home by the team you're trying to catch? In late August? You're breakin' our hearts in Seattle. Come on boys, suck it up.

-- Long Suffering, Loyal M's Fans Since '77 (when Liz was pregnant with that twinkle in our eye, James Marr).

Dear Team Off the Wall, the Sequel - Week 21

2007-08-26T20:13:00.001-07:00

That giddy, giggly war whoop you just heard was the Benchwarmers' ownership getting that kick ass week they were looking for ... at your expense. Down a respectable 4-6 going into Sunday and you decide to start hitting like OTW the Older and wind up on the short end of an eleven-to-one rout?

Yeah, yeah, it was close. (OK, very close.) Take that to the bank and try to get a mortgage.

-- The "maybe we can back into the last playoff spot" fan club.

Dear Benchwarmer closers,

2007-08-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

I was being very clever. Since my first-place opponent had lucked into five of her eight starting pitchers getting two starts this week, while I only had one, I figured I was likely to get mauled in wins and strikeouts once the weekend rolled around. So after Hamels gave me 8 IP with only 1 R allowed on Monday (and Dempster contributed a lackluster 1 IP, 3.00 WHIP, but fortunately no runs), I was sitting with a nice 1.00 ERA and 0.86 WHIP, with 1 HR allowed. "Well, OK," I thought. "I don't have much chance at W's and K's, but if I bench all my pitchers, I'm all but guaranteed a 3-3 split in pitching, and can just try to take her on offense."

Then, like some sort of Greek morality tale, I got greedy. I thought, "Hey, maybe I can take saves too, and get 4 out of 6 for pitching! Surely my closers can give me a couple scoreless innings."

Instead, Frankie, you gave up a run in 2 IP in a non-save situation; Dempster, you tossed in his bases-loaded inning in another non-save situation; and Lidge, you gave up not only 2 runs yesterday to blow a save, but did it on a home run as well. (Frankie, you did give me a 0.00/0.00 save yesterday--thanks!)

Thanks to which my 1.00/0.86 line has now ballooned to 2.70/1.13, which is . . . wait for it . . . 0.02/0.02 BEHIND my opponent's 2.68/1.11.

What I'm saying is: Please, please, get it together. It'll only take a few scoreless innings to bring that down to a winnable level again. I don't want my comeuppance for getting greedy!

Dear Mr. Rod:

2007-08-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

This is not what we paid for (your stats in last week):

This is what we were and are looking for
(your season stats, in case you've forgotten).

A simple reversion to the mean would be fine. Sheesh.

--- OTW II Fan Club

Ps: Enough chortling over there in the Disabled Climatic's dugout.

Dear Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball,

2007-08-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

I came home from work today, turned on ESPN, saw that there was a Mets/Brewers game on, and thought, great! I have a starter in that game (Oliver Perez for the Mets). And then I see Claudio Vargas pitching for the Brewers, who is also one of my pitchers, and I panic. I don't remember seeing that Vargas was starting today in my roster. Sure enough, there is no carat by his name! Yahoo! What happened? So I start cursing ESPN, especially when I see Perez give up a 3-run home run in the first inning (to Prince Fielder, on my opponent's team this week, nonetheless)! Oh, I almost started writing you a letter right then.

And then Vargas goes into the 2nd, and he starts off with a lead-off walk. I start trash-talking Vargas (not his fault really), and he gives up some runs! I egg him on. Give up more! More! If I'm not playing you, then do a terrible job! He gives up so many in fact that he only lasts 2.2 innings, gives up 2 home runs, and has an ERA of 23.63! Yahoo! Thank you! I am so happy with your error!

Hot Match Up Alert:

2007-07-30T16:41:00.001-07:00

Tuesday night (hope ESPN covers it):

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 17):

2007-07-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

Although you're a mere shadow of your former selves,* you did eke out a victory over the Mighty Meats and have earned the right to have your name back. Well done.

The same cannot be said for you, Alex. You've been more than a bit sulky after being traded (e.g. .136 BA last week), so let's suck it up, hit the stupid 500th HR and start contributing. (The fans' anticipatory flashbulbs are no excuse for a pro. Get over it.)

-- Off the Wall Ownership

* Only hitters Carlos Lee, Carl Crawford and the Twin JMs (Mauer & Morneau) and pitchers Josh Beckett, Felix Hernandez, JPap and Billy Dubya remain from the original draft roster that has been relentlessly (some might say, "obsessively") sliced and diced by the Day Trading OTW Personnel Department. Note: Matsui-san is back, probably just in time for is hot streak to end.

Dear Brad Lidge,

2007-07-29T14:14:00.001-07:00

I was feeling pretty good--I had four starters going, all of which pitched decently and two of which were in line for wins. And, more importantly, none of them had given up a single home run. Which, with us a tie at 7 in that category, was a pleasant surprise.

Until I notice that for some unknown reason, you've pitched 1.2 innings in a game in which the Padres scored 11 runs in the first, and in which your team was still losing 11-15 in the top of the ninth. My thought was: WTF? Aren't you a closer again? Why are you pitching multiple innings in a lost game?

So, fine, there's a man on third and two outs. No problem. Then, as I'm sitting there trying to figure out why you're pitching at all, StatTracker informs me:

Bard doubled to left, Gonzalez scored

"OK, fine," I say, "we're not winning ERA and WHIP anyway. No problem, as long as you don't give up any . . . ," at which point StatTracker informs me that apparently on the very next pitch:

Kouzmanoff homered to deep left, Bard scored

Seriously? Are you on Garner's fantasy team or something, and he really needed a strikeout or two? Is that it? Please just tell me, because I'm dying to know what the heck you were doing out there.

Dear Team Warning Track Power:

2007-07-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

I know. You're all nervous: you haven't had a lead going into the weekend since the late 20th century and you're getting a little tight knowing that the stats could swing either way. In this moment of need, please feel free to fall back on any time honored sports cliche to boost your performance: "play them one game at a time," "stay in the moment," or "I can relax realizing how blessed I am to play a game for a living." Superstitions? Go for it. Wear the same underwear, shave your head, wear your girl friend's clothes, eat raw meat before the game... whatever it takes.

James Shields. Dude, we need your arm today. They've got Cain, Smoltz, Maddux and Willis going so we have to play you. I know I've been threatening to send you packing and your high, HR-prone fast ball against the BoSox bats doesn't bode well in the HR category, but could you just get the W and a lot of Ks? Wouldn't hurt to give up only solo jobs and to keep the ERA under 4 (for once) either. (Young Gun bonus incentive: Alex is offering a "date" with any one of his strippers acquaintances for a W; any two if you add 10 Ks; and any three if you also go under 3.00 ERA.)

-- WTP Management on behalf of the nascent WTP Fan Club.

Ps: Oh, didn't I tell you about the new name? My apologies. You can have the old one back when you hit a few off (over?) the wall.

Dear Armando,

2007-07-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes. A familiar sight for Giants fans. It was not long ago that I cringed as you took the mound but yesterday I smiled a sinister smile as Eric Byrnes stepped to the plate with two runners on and the game on the line. And you delivered. Gracias mi amigo. With that homerun I was able to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

Let us hope that you face Bonds three times this weekend so we can all watch him hit 754, 755 and 756 in SF and the Meats can enjoy the benefit of a little offense.

And feel free at any time to come into the game and pitch to your teammates Cabrera and Uggla.

-A very happy Meat

Dear Albert Pujols,

2007-07-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

I understand you feel conflicted about facing your former team, the Run and Hits--the team who drafted you, the team you grew up with. You guys had some great times together. Remember the first time I played them, when the Cubs tied that game on Sunday in the bottom of the ninth, and you hit that home run in the top of the tenth, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me in your last at-bat of the week? Or remember the second time I played them, when you were 2/3 with two home runs on Sunday, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me AGAIN, in a week when I had a thoroughly respectable 12 home runs and 1.020 OPS?

I'm just saying--now that we're going into Thursday and you don't have a single hit yet, or even so much as a walk? I'm assuming you're going to do something really, really great on Sunday to make up for it. (Preferably to win me home runs and OPS.)

Dear West Coast Amateur T-Ball League owners:

2007-07-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

Great first mid-season league meeting yesterday at Golfland USA. Nice to be able to put a voice and face to the heretofore mysterious Meats and Changeups. Curious that the Throbulators came out of hiding to capture the title, although it was duly noted that they made up the rules and handled scoring. See you at the game.

-- Warning Track Power (f/k/a Off the Wall)

Ps: Barry, don't even think about it tonight.

Dear Scott Olsen,

2007-07-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't written multiple letters to a player since Swisher wouldn't cut his hair, but your recent antics leave me no choice:

Florida Marlins SP Scott Olsen was arrested Saturday, July 21, for refusing to pull over during a traffic stop, according to police. He was charged with driving under the influence, resisting arrest with violence and eluding a police officer. An officer was running a radar check and clocked Olsen speeding shortly after 3:00 a.m., according to department spokesman Capt. William Washa. Olsen finally stopped his car when he arrived home, where he began fighting with officers and refused to take a Breathalyzer test.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! Insubordination? Arrested? Shape up or I'll ship you out.

-The Management

UPDATE: I dropped you. Go think about what you did.

Dear Unstoppable Climate Changeups!,

2007-07-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

What a turnaround!

-Marquis (winner!) allowed four hits over 7 2-3 innings.
-Penny (winner!) lowered his ERA to 2.33 while striking out eight and walking three.
-Zito (winner!) allowed one run while striking out eight batters in seven innings.
-Olsen (winner!) allowed two runs over seven innings.
-Mitre (should have been a winner!) left with a 5-3 lead...damn you Benitez.
-Wainwright (winner!) struck out seven, walked one in seven innings.
-Oswalt (winner!) allowed a run and five hits in six innings.
-Santana (loser!...but not while on my team).

Wow, guys...way to make a manager proud. Now keep it up!

Oh, and Oswalt, we are NOT the DLs anymore...please don't be hurt.

-The Very Proud Management

UPDATE: Penny (double winner!) is now 12-1!

Dear Scott Olson,

2007-07-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

We here in the Climate Changeups! (that's right, we're back) front office have seen it all when it comes to players not playing:

Suspended for fighting with the other team? Check (thanks Derrek).
Suspend for arguing with the umpire? Check (thanks Paul).
Disabled list? Check, check, check, check, check, check...
Stomach bug? Check (glad you felt better in time for the game, Garland).

But insubordination? Insubordination?!?!? You seem to have a history of problems with your own team (punched in the eye by teammate Randy Messenger, grabbed around the collar by former manager Joe Girardi...and this time Sergio Mitre pinned you against the wall).

I know you're passionate about pitching, but please, let's leave it on the mound...we've got plenty of arms now, so no acting up or you're gone.

-The Management

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 15):

2007-07-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

A team BA that is under the Mendoza Line for the entire week? One (1) HR? I know it was a short week, but you were supposed to suck it up, not blow it off. You are now playing the surging Latino Legends (Third Outs) who are nipping at your heels. Another week like this and you're in 6th headed for the cellar.

So we've made a few changes. Johan and Roy, you had a good run here, but this is your last week as an Off the Waller. You can take solace in the fact that you're going for a good cause: A-Rod. What can I say? We need lumber, not Ks.

Curtis Granderson? Yeah, I know, he was on waivers for a reason, but he killed the Mariners and I had to watch all four games. So he's a teammate. Get used to it. Yeah, I know, there's no place to put him. Get over it.

The rest of you are hereby on the trading block. Take note, Run&Hits, Benchwarmers and Meats. Liza and the LexLegends have a nice lead. Who do you need to knock her off? Make us an offer. We're ready to reconstitute the team.

-- Off the Wall Department of Player Personnel.

Dear Rich Harden,

2007-07-12T16:43:00.001-07:00

Why Rich, why? Why must you toy with your manager like this?

I can't say I was surprised that you went back on the DL...you're on my team, after all. The manager for the Third Outs has suggested that perhaps the DL is too enticing. Therefore, I have removed all reclining chairs and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Don't get too comfortable Rich...you may be ON the DL until September, but I don't know how much longer you'll BE a DL.

-The Management

Dear Albert Pujols,

2007-07-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know why Tony left you on the bench either--with the bases loaded, two outs, the game on the line, and one of baseball's best closers on the mound, he looks at Orlando Hudson, Aaron Rowand, and you, and goes, "Yep, Hudson and Rowand. Obviously."

You know, I bet it would really get his goat if you went out and hit 30 or 40 home runs for the rest of the season. Just a suggestion.

Dear Unstopable DLs,

2007-07-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well done boys:

-Suppan gave up six hits and four runs in five innings.
-Garland (6-6) tied a career-high by allowing 12 runs, 11 of them earned.
-Marquis gave up six runs on eight hits in Friday's loss to the Pirates.
-Harden allowed four runs, while walking three and striking out one.
-Penny allowed six runs on nine hits over four innings.
-Zito allowed six runs over four-plus innings.
-Olsen left in the second after allowing three earned runs, five hits and a walk
-Blanton ejected for shoving Ichiro Suzuki (plus allowing five runs in six-plus innings).

Wainwright, thanks for getting a win and blowing the nice trend the other guys had going.

-The very proud Management

Dear Chicago White Sox,

2007-07-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

The next time you are planning on giving up 32 runs to the Twins in a single day, I would appreciate it if you would wait until AFTER their #3 and #5 hitters have moved on to inflict their 11/21 - 11 R - 3 HR - 14 RBI line on somebody else, so they cannot single-handedly demolish my previously safe-looking 50 BA - 200 OPS - 9 R - 4 HR - 8 RBI advantage.

Also, I would particularly appreciate it if you would not do so directly after I have added Jon Garland in my other league, who had previously reeled off six straight good outings, then promptly gave up 12 (12!) runs in 3.1 IP on his first start for me.

To the Twin Twins, the JM Boys:

2007-07-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Nice day of batting practice against the hapless Pale Hose. Your bonus checks (and new contracts) are in the mail.

--OTW's Giddy Ownership.

Dear DL Management,

2007-07-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

Nice job catching that foul ball today! Bare-handed, no less!

-Frank Thomas

Dear Soon to be Ex-Benchwarmer, Brian Fuentes:

2007-07-01T16:35:00.001-07:00

Next time you think you can get away with tanking on the Global Benchwarmers ownership, remember that this happened within 48 hours of their Unsent Letter to you:

Fuentes Temporarily Removed From Closer Role

Brian Fuentes has blown has last four save chances, and has been temporarily removed from the Rockies' closer job.

-- Anon.

Dear Tom Glavine,

2007-07-01T10:50:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the team. You're our token white guy.

The Management

Dear Brian Fuentes,

2007-06-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

This is getting a little ridiculous, don't you think? Especially since I have you on both my teams? One of which counts LOSSES?

Last Friday: 0.1 IP, 4 H, 3 R, 2 ER (54.00 ERA, 12.00 WHIP), L
Monday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 2 R, o ER (0.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Yesterday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 4 R, 4 ER, HR (54.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Today: 0.2 IP, 1 H, 2 R, 2 ER, HR (27.00 ERA, 3.00 WHIP), L

In other words, you've had four save opportunities in the last week (saves! saves are good!)--and you've blown ALL OF THEM. What gives? Are you hurt? No? Then what? No, seriously--what?

Dear D-Train,

2007-06-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to the league's attention that you are severely underachieving. So, as the Owner/GM/Manager of the Meats, I demand that you perform at the level that was expected of you. I drafted you to be the rock in the rotation that consisted of some old vets and a couple of youngins and also to keep the clubhouse loose with your fun-loving attitude. Quit making me look bad and go kick some Pirate booty (pun completely intended).

-The Boss

2007-06-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

Next to Chris Young vs. Derek Lee and Justin Morneau's chest vs. Miguel Olivo's shoulder, this may be the best match up of the year.

Jim & I are both looking for just a stock outing. No implosions allowed.

-- Off the Wall Pitching Department.

[Update: how it came out.]

Dear Cole Hamels and Yovani Gallardo,

2007-06-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

OK, guys. Our pitching this week has not been great. Everyone can see that. Four of you have put up ERAs of 6 or higher. And, inexplicably, TWO of you have now given up home runs to Pedro Feliz, thereby single-handedly increasing his home run total by over 20 percent.

I just have a few things for you to keep in mind:

When you're sitting at 5.94/1.34, and your opponent is sitting at 5.77/1.57, it really doesn't take a whole lot to bring your ERA down enough to win. I'm not asking for no-hitters here. 6 IP, 3 ER apiece would be perfectly fine.
You're facing the Cardinals and the Royals, two of the more hapless offenses in baseball this year: 26th and 21st in runs scored, 14th and 22nd in batting average, 21st and 29th in home runs. But: Remember Jake Peavy and the Nationals. When Peavy has pitched against the Nationals this year--twice--he was all, "I'm Jake freakin' Peavy. I have a 1-something ERA and a microscopic WHIP and like a bazillion strikeouts. Hell, I might strike out 27 today, just because I can." And you know what? Peavy's 0-1 with a 3.85 ERA and 1.36 WHIP against the Nationals this year. Those numbers aren't awful, but the Nationals are 28th in runs scored, 29th in batting average, and 30th in home runs, and Peavy is the best pitcher in baseball this year, and he has yet to beat them. All I'm saying is, don't get cocky. Just go out and do your thing.
Next time, if you could arrange for one of you to pitch at 10 am and one to pitch at 1 pm, or some similar arrangement, so I can decide after one outing whether I really need the other, that would be great. Having both of you pitch at 11 am is not really working for me right now.

Dear WATB League Owners:

2007-06-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've given up on my match up with the relentless, heartless, robotic Algorithms and I'm watching this one (as of Sat. night @ 5:30 pm). Except for Ks, all categories are up for grabs.

--Off the Wall Absentee Ownership

Ps: We're off with the Run & Hits and our respective significant others tomorrow to see Griff's last game ... ever... in Seattle.

Dear Team Off the Wall:

2007-06-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

We know you're all big and tough, but no more running "through" the catcher.

"June 23 Morneau was taken to the hospital Friday with an injury to his right upper chest after he collided with Florida Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo. Morneau was coughing up blood repeatedly, was out of breath and had chest pains, ..."

[Joe Mauer, we trust there will be a few stunned Fish laying at your feet this weekend.]

-- OTW M.A.S.H Unit

Dear WATB League Owners:

2007-06-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Playing with the Yahoo DB on this sleepy Seattle Friday afternoon (waiting for the Griffey game to start), I discovered you could filter "All Players Taken." Since All Star ballots are out everywhere, I wondered what our team would look like. Its quite a bit different from what you would have expected at draft time... a testament to the somewhat random relationship between the predicted and actual rankings.

Other interesting DB morsels:

Yahoo only perfectly predicted 2 of our players, i.e. O-ranking is same as current ranking: Alex 1-1 and JJ Hardy 38-38
Biggest miss on the upside? Some over-achieving guy named "Hunter Pence" on the GBDubyas (Yahoo had him 410 places too low in O-ranking).
[Updated with accurate, well... more accurate, information] Biggest miss on the ohmygod downside? Well, its all on the pitching side. [Thank you, Matt, for stepping up to plate and pointing out that I missed your guy (and all other pitchers apparently) in my scientific dissection of the Yahoo DB. ] If you thought your Carlos Zambrano, Jared Weaver, Scott Kazmir, or Barry Zito was underperforming his pre-season ranking, or you've been disappointed with the hitting of Brian McCann, Howie Kendrick, Cory Patterson or Lance Berkman, try Dontrelle Willis. Lovingly nicknamed the "D-Train" by his patiently steaming owner, Grabsumpine, he blew away the field with an O-ranking of 126 and a current ranking of 912. A spread of 786 places.
There is only one Bonds and one Thomas in the Yahoo DB;
two Dunns
three Smiths, and Jacksons
four Davis' and Molinas (all catchers, of course)
five Cabreras
six Rodriguez', Youngs
seven Jones' and Gonzalez
and nine Johnsons

(I got bored looking for eights).

Dear WATB League Owners:

2007-06-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the Seattle contingent while we wax nostalgic this weekend.

-- Off the Wall on behalf of the Global Benchwarmers and the Run & Hits.