Dear Chris Young (the alleged pitcher, not the batter)
Thank you. Thank you, very much, you tall drink of ineptitude.
I went to bed (admittedly early) comfortable with a 7-3 match-up lead, including a 2.25 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. I was ready to rest the staff Sunday (and not risk starting Mr. Hot & Cold, Young Johnny Cueto). So ... I wake up to an ERA that has ballooned to three point nine one (3.91) and we're behind in WHIP. Huh? Investigation of this calamity led me to the Yahoo "splat" next to your name. And I quote:
"Apr 13 RHP Chris Young threw 80 pitches in three-plus innings, allowing seven runs, seven hits and four walks. Young retired only nine of the 21 batters he faced."
Another Yahoo reporter was more judgmental:
"Apr 12 Young was absolutely awful Saturday night, allowing seven runs and eleven base runners in only three innings of work. He walked four, struck out two, and allowed home runs to Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier. He actually looked even worse than his final pitching line during the game--which is really saying something. Just an ugly game all around."
This is what it looks like in the official WATBL stats for the day:
Eighteen?? Almost four walks+hits per inning?? Please consider re-joining your buddy, Rich Harden, on the DL. After all you both had great layabout seasons there in '07. That way I can add Rick Ankiel to my staff. At least he can hit.
--Vitamin D Front Office
I went to bed (admittedly early) comfortable with a 7-3 match-up lead, including a 2.25 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. I was ready to rest the staff Sunday (and not risk starting Mr. Hot & Cold, Young Johnny Cueto). So ... I wake up to an ERA that has ballooned to three point nine one (3.91) and we're behind in WHIP. Huh? Investigation of this calamity led me to the Yahoo "splat" next to your name. And I quote:
"Apr 13 RHP Chris Young threw 80 pitches in three-plus innings, allowing seven runs, seven hits and four walks. Young retired only nine of the 21 batters he faced."
Another Yahoo reporter was more judgmental:
"Apr 12 Young was absolutely awful Saturday night, allowing seven runs and eleven base runners in only three innings of work. He walked four, struck out two, and allowed home runs to Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier. He actually looked even worse than his final pitching line during the game--which is really saying something. Just an ugly game all around."
This is what it looks like in the official WATBL stats for the day:
Eighteen?? Almost four walks+hits per inning?? Please consider re-joining your buddy, Rich Harden, on the DL. After all you both had great layabout seasons there in '07. That way I can add Rick Ankiel to my staff. At least he can hit.
--Vitamin D Front Office
Dear Rich Harden,
Just a reminder, WE ARE NOT THE DL'S THIS YEAR! You are a Honey Nut Ichiro, and Honey Nut Ichiro's do not go on the DL!
The DL is not the place of luxury that it was last year: there are no massage chairs and no all-you-can-eat buffets. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THE DL.
I'll give you a few more days to rest your arm, but then I expect to see you back to starting day form.
-The Management
The DL is not the place of luxury that it was last year: there are no massage chairs and no all-you-can-eat buffets. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THE DL.
I'll give you a few more days to rest your arm, but then I expect to see you back to starting day form.
-The Management
Dear ESPN,
I sit through the winter every year eagerly anticipating the return of baseball- my daily escape from a troubling world filled with corruption, greed, warmongering and selfish douchebaggery. So I sit down tonight to enjoy the Braves-Nationals kickoff and welcome my therapist back from vacation. My man Tim Hudson is going tonight (Dear Tim Hudson- great job tonight even if the offense made Odalis Perez look like Johan Santana) and everything is a-OK with the world.
Then suddenly, inexplicably and without warning George W Fu**ing Bush gets thrown in my face. Are you kidding me?! I have to listen to that sociopathic chucklefu** ham it up with Johnny and Joe For 3 fu**ing innings? WTF ESPN! This is not helping me relax. This is not helping me forget my troubles. I just spent the week trying to wrap my head around Iraq's tragic plunge into anarchy and here the author of that tragedy sits joking about how the biggest mistake he ever made was trading Sammy Sosa. Ahhhhhh!
Not a good start to the season, ESPN. Bad dog. No biscuit.
Sincerely,
Mike Duncan
Then suddenly, inexplicably and without warning George W Fu**ing Bush gets thrown in my face. Are you kidding me?! I have to listen to that sociopathic chucklefu** ham it up with Johnny and Joe For 3 fu**ing innings? WTF ESPN! This is not helping me relax. This is not helping me forget my troubles. I just spent the week trying to wrap my head around Iraq's tragic plunge into anarchy and here the author of that tragedy sits joking about how the biggest mistake he ever made was trading Sammy Sosa. Ahhhhhh!
Not a good start to the season, ESPN. Bad dog. No biscuit.
Sincerely,
Mike Duncan
Dear Rich Harden,
How do I love thee, let me count the ways:
1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts
9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.
-The Management
1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts
9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.
-The Management
Dear Manny,
I'll admit it—I haven't entirely forgotten your pitiful start for me back in 2006. But way to bring it right out of the gate: 2 for 5 (2 doubles), 1 R, 4 RBIs. More of that, please!
Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.
Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.
Dear Late Season Fizzlers,
Welcome newcomers to the team that starts off strong and finishes weak. We have a few players who were resigned (Nathan and Hunter) after putting together a solid 2007. Several of you I would not have picked had I not been in Thailand during the draft (Kaz & Loney - you top that group) but I will give you a chance (mostly because I can't find a better replacement).
Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.
Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.
Here's to career years for you all!
LSF Management
Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.
Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.
Here's to career years for you all!
LSF Management
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