Hot Match Up Alert:

Tuesday night (hope ESPN covers it):

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 17):

Although you're a mere shadow of your former selves,* you did eke out a victory over the Mighty Meats and have earned the right to have your name back. Well done.

The same cannot be said for you, Alex. You've been more than a bit sulky after being traded (e.g. .136 BA last week), so let's suck it up, hit the stupid 500th HR and start contributing. (The fans' anticipatory flashbulbs are no excuse for a pro. Get over it.)

-- Off the Wall Ownership

* Only hitters Carlos Lee, Carl Crawford and the Twin JMs (Mauer & Morneau) and pitchers Josh Beckett, Felix Hernandez, JPap and Billy Dubya remain from the original draft roster that has been relentlessly (some might say, "obsessively") sliced and diced by the Day Trading OTW Personnel Department. Note: Matsui-san is back, probably just in time for is hot streak to end.

Dear Brad Lidge,

I was feeling pretty good--I had four starters going, all of which pitched decently and two of which were in line for wins. And, more importantly, none of them had given up a single home run. Which, with us a tie at 7 in that category, was a pleasant surprise.

Until I notice that for some unknown reason, you've pitched 1.2 innings in a game in which the Padres scored 11 runs in the first, and in which your team was still losing 11-15 in the top of the ninth. My thought was: WTF? Aren't you a closer again? Why are you pitching multiple innings in a lost game?

So, fine, there's a man on third and two outs. No problem. Then, as I'm sitting there trying to figure out why you're pitching at all, StatTracker informs me:

Bard doubled to left, Gonzalez scored

"OK, fine," I say, "we're not winning ERA and WHIP anyway. No problem, as long as you don't give up any . . . ," at which point StatTracker informs me that apparently on the very next pitch:

Kouzmanoff homered to deep left, Bard scored

Seriously? Are you on Garner's fantasy team or something, and he really needed a strikeout or two? Is that it? Please just tell me, because I'm dying to know what the heck you were doing out there.

Dear Team Warning Track Power:

I know. You're all nervous: you haven't had a lead going into the weekend since the late 20th century and you're getting a little tight knowing that the stats could swing either way. In this moment of need, please feel free to fall back on any time honored sports cliche to boost your performance: "play them one game at a time," "stay in the moment," or "I can relax realizing how blessed I am to play a game for a living." Superstitions? Go for it. Wear the same underwear, shave your head, wear your girl friend's clothes, eat raw meat before the game... whatever it takes.

James Shields. Dude, we need your arm today. They've got Cain, Smoltz, Maddux and Willis going so we have to play you. I know I've been threatening to send you packing and your high, HR-prone fast ball against the BoSox bats doesn't bode well in the HR category, but could you just get the W and a lot of Ks? Wouldn't hurt to give up only solo jobs and to keep the ERA under 4 (for once) either. (Young Gun bonus incentive: Alex is offering a "date" with any one of his strippers acquaintances for a W; any two if you add 10 Ks; and any three if you also go under 3.00 ERA.)

-- WTP Management on behalf of the nascent WTP Fan Club.

Ps: Oh, didn't I tell you about the new name? My apologies. You can have the old one back when you hit a few off (over?) the wall.

Dear Armando,

Ah, yes. A familiar sight for Giants fans. It was not long ago that I cringed as you took the mound but yesterday I smiled a sinister smile as Eric Byrnes stepped to the plate with two runners on and the game on the line. And you delivered. Gracias mi amigo. With that homerun I was able to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

Let us hope that you face Bonds three times this weekend so we can all watch him hit 754, 755 and 756 in SF and the Meats can enjoy the benefit of a little offense.

And feel free at any time to come into the game and pitch to your teammates Cabrera and Uggla.

-A very happy Meat

Dear Albert Pujols,

I understand you feel conflicted about facing your former team, the Run and Hits--the team who drafted you, the team you grew up with. You guys had some great times together. Remember the first time I played them, when the Cubs tied that game on Sunday in the bottom of the ninth, and you hit that home run in the top of the tenth, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me in your last at-bat of the week? Or remember the second time I played them, when you were 2/3 with two home runs on Sunday, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me AGAIN, in a week when I had a thoroughly respectable 12 home runs and 1.020 OPS?

I'm just saying--now that we're going into Thursday and you don't have a single hit yet, or even so much as a walk? I'm assuming you're going to do something really, really great on Sunday to make up for it. (Preferably to win me home runs and OPS.)

Dear West Coast Amateur T-Ball League owners:

Great first mid-season league meeting yesterday at Golfland USA. Nice to be able to put a voice and face to the heretofore mysterious Meats and Changeups. Curious that the Throbulators came out of hiding to capture the title, although it was duly noted that they made up the rules and handled scoring. See you at the game.

-- Warning Track Power (f/k/a Off the Wall)

Ps: Barry, don't even think about it tonight.