Hot Match Up Alert:

Tuesday night (hope ESPN covers it):

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 17):

Although you're a mere shadow of your former selves,* you did eke out a victory over the Mighty Meats and have earned the right to have your name back. Well done.

The same cannot be said for you, Alex. You've been more than a bit sulky after being traded (e.g. .136 BA last week), so let's suck it up, hit the stupid 500th HR and start contributing. (The fans' anticipatory flashbulbs are no excuse for a pro. Get over it.)

-- Off the Wall Ownership

* Only hitters Carlos Lee, Carl Crawford and the Twin JMs (Mauer & Morneau) and pitchers Josh Beckett, Felix Hernandez, JPap and Billy Dubya remain from the original draft roster that has been relentlessly (some might say, "obsessively") sliced and diced by the Day Trading OTW Personnel Department. Note: Matsui-san is back, probably just in time for is hot streak to end.

Dear Brad Lidge,

I was feeling pretty good--I had four starters going, all of which pitched decently and two of which were in line for wins. And, more importantly, none of them had given up a single home run. Which, with us a tie at 7 in that category, was a pleasant surprise.

Until I notice that for some unknown reason, you've pitched 1.2 innings in a game in which the Padres scored 11 runs in the first, and in which your team was still losing 11-15 in the top of the ninth. My thought was: WTF? Aren't you a closer again? Why are you pitching multiple innings in a lost game?

So, fine, there's a man on third and two outs. No problem. Then, as I'm sitting there trying to figure out why you're pitching at all, StatTracker informs me:

Bard doubled to left, Gonzalez scored

"OK, fine," I say, "we're not winning ERA and WHIP anyway. No problem, as long as you don't give up any . . . ," at which point StatTracker informs me that apparently on the very next pitch:

Kouzmanoff homered to deep left, Bard scored

Seriously? Are you on Garner's fantasy team or something, and he really needed a strikeout or two? Is that it? Please just tell me, because I'm dying to know what the heck you were doing out there.

Dear Team Warning Track Power:

I know. You're all nervous: you haven't had a lead going into the weekend since the late 20th century and you're getting a little tight knowing that the stats could swing either way. In this moment of need, please feel free to fall back on any time honored sports cliche to boost your performance: "play them one game at a time," "stay in the moment," or "I can relax realizing how blessed I am to play a game for a living." Superstitions? Go for it. Wear the same underwear, shave your head, wear your girl friend's clothes, eat raw meat before the game... whatever it takes.

James Shields. Dude, we need your arm today. They've got Cain, Smoltz, Maddux and Willis going so we have to play you. I know I've been threatening to send you packing and your high, HR-prone fast ball against the BoSox bats doesn't bode well in the HR category, but could you just get the W and a lot of Ks? Wouldn't hurt to give up only solo jobs and to keep the ERA under 4 (for once) either. (Young Gun bonus incentive: Alex is offering a "date" with any one of his strippers acquaintances for a W; any two if you add 10 Ks; and any three if you also go under 3.00 ERA.)

-- WTP Management on behalf of the nascent WTP Fan Club.

Ps: Oh, didn't I tell you about the new name? My apologies. You can have the old one back when you hit a few off (over?) the wall.

Dear Armando,

Ah, yes. A familiar sight for Giants fans. It was not long ago that I cringed as you took the mound but yesterday I smiled a sinister smile as Eric Byrnes stepped to the plate with two runners on and the game on the line. And you delivered. Gracias mi amigo. With that homerun I was able to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

Let us hope that you face Bonds three times this weekend so we can all watch him hit 754, 755 and 756 in SF and the Meats can enjoy the benefit of a little offense.

And feel free at any time to come into the game and pitch to your teammates Cabrera and Uggla.

-A very happy Meat

Dear Albert Pujols,

I understand you feel conflicted about facing your former team, the Run and Hits--the team who drafted you, the team you grew up with. You guys had some great times together. Remember the first time I played them, when the Cubs tied that game on Sunday in the bottom of the ninth, and you hit that home run in the top of the tenth, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me in your last at-bat of the week? Or remember the second time I played them, when you were 2/3 with two home runs on Sunday, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me AGAIN, in a week when I had a thoroughly respectable 12 home runs and 1.020 OPS?

I'm just saying--now that we're going into Thursday and you don't have a single hit yet, or even so much as a walk? I'm assuming you're going to do something really, really great on Sunday to make up for it. (Preferably to win me home runs and OPS.)

Dear West Coast Amateur T-Ball League owners:

Great first mid-season league meeting yesterday at Golfland USA. Nice to be able to put a voice and face to the heretofore mysterious Meats and Changeups. Curious that the Throbulators came out of hiding to capture the title, although it was duly noted that they made up the rules and handled scoring. See you at the game.

-- Warning Track Power (f/k/a Off the Wall)

Ps: Barry, don't even think about it tonight.

Dear Scott Olsen,

I haven't written multiple letters to a player since Swisher wouldn't cut his hair, but your recent antics leave me no choice:

Florida Marlins SP Scott Olsen was arrested Saturday, July 21, for refusing to pull over during a traffic stop, according to police. He was charged with driving under the influence, resisting arrest with violence and eluding a police officer. An officer was running a radar check and clocked Olsen speeding shortly after 3:00 a.m., according to department spokesman Capt. William Washa. Olsen finally stopped his car when he arrived home, where he began fighting with officers and refused to take a Breathalyzer test.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! Insubordination? Arrested? Shape up or I'll ship you out.

-The Management

UPDATE: I dropped you. Go think about what you did.

Dear Unstoppable Climate Changeups!,

What a turnaround!

-Marquis (winner!) allowed four hits over 7 2-3 innings.
-Penny (winner!) lowered his ERA to 2.33 while striking out eight and walking three.
-Zito (winner!) allowed one run while striking out eight batters in seven innings.
-Olsen (winner!) allowed two runs over seven innings.
-Mitre (should have been a winner!) left with a 5-3 lead...damn you Benitez.
-Wainwright (winner!) struck out seven, walked one in seven innings.
-Oswalt (winner!) allowed a run and five hits in six innings.
-Santana (loser!...but not while on my team).

Wow, guys...way to make a manager proud. Now keep it up!

Oh, and Oswalt, we are NOT the DLs anymore...please don't be hurt.

-The Very Proud Management

UPDATE: Penny (double winner!) is now 12-1!

Dear Scott Olson,

We here in the Climate Changeups! (that's right, we're back) front office have seen it all when it comes to players not playing:

Suspended for fighting with the other team? Check (thanks Derrek).
Suspend for arguing with the umpire? Check (thanks Paul).
Disabled list? Check, check, check, check, check, check...
Stomach bug? Check (glad you felt better in time for the game, Garland).

But insubordination? Insubordination?!?!? You seem to have a history of problems with your own team (punched in the eye by teammate Randy Messenger, grabbed around the collar by former manager Joe Girardi...and this time Sergio Mitre pinned you against the wall).

I know you're passionate about pitching, but please, let's leave it on the mound...we've got plenty of arms now, so no acting up or you're gone.

-The Management

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 15):

A team BA that is under the Mendoza Line for the entire week? One (1) HR? I know it was a short week, but you were supposed to suck it up, not blow it off. You are now playing the surging Latino Legends (Third Outs) who are nipping at your heels. Another week like this and you're in 6th headed for the cellar.

So we've made a few changes. Johan and Roy, you had a good run here, but this is your last week as an Off the Waller. You can take solace in the fact that you're going for a good cause: A-Rod. What can I say? We need lumber, not Ks.

Curtis Granderson? Yeah, I know, he was on waivers for a reason, but he killed the Mariners and I had to watch all four games. So he's a teammate. Get used to it. Yeah, I know, there's no place to put him. Get over it.

The rest of you are hereby on the trading block. Take note, Run&Hits, Benchwarmers and Meats. Liza and the LexLegends have a nice lead. Who do you need to knock her off? Make us an offer. We're ready to reconstitute the team.

-- Off the Wall Department of Player Personnel.

Dear Rich Harden,

Why Rich, why? Why must you toy with your manager like this?

I can't say I was surprised that you went back on the DL...you're on my team, after all. The manager for the Third Outs has suggested that perhaps the DL is too enticing. Therefore, I have removed all reclining chairs and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Don't get too comfortable Rich...you may be ON the DL until September, but I don't know how much longer you'll BE a DL.

-The Management

Dear Albert Pujols,

I don't know why Tony left you on the bench either--with the bases loaded, two outs, the game on the line, and one of baseball's best closers on the mound, he looks at Orlando Hudson, Aaron Rowand, and you, and goes, "Yep, Hudson and Rowand. Obviously."

You know, I bet it would really get his goat if you went out and hit 30 or 40 home runs for the rest of the season. Just a suggestion.

Dear Unstopable DLs,

Well done boys:

-Suppan gave up six hits and four runs in five innings.
-Garland (6-6) tied a career-high by allowing 12 runs, 11 of them earned.
-Marquis gave up six runs on eight hits in Friday's loss to the Pirates.
-Harden allowed four runs, while walking three and striking out one.
-Penny allowed six runs on nine hits over four innings.
-Zito allowed six runs over four-plus innings.
-Olsen left in the second after allowing three earned runs, five hits and a walk
-Blanton ejected for shoving Ichiro Suzuki (plus allowing five runs in six-plus innings).

Wainwright, thanks for getting a win and blowing the nice trend the other guys had going.

-The very proud Management

Dear Chicago White Sox,

The next time you are planning on giving up 32 runs to the Twins in a single day, I would appreciate it if you would wait until AFTER their #3 and #5 hitters have moved on to inflict their 11/21 - 11 R - 3 HR - 14 RBI line on somebody else, so they cannot single-handedly demolish my previously safe-looking 50 BA - 200 OPS - 9 R - 4 HR - 8 RBI advantage.

Also, I would particularly appreciate it if you would not do so directly after I have added Jon Garland in my other league, who had previously reeled off six straight good outings, then promptly gave up 12 (12!) runs in 3.1 IP on his first start for me.

To the Twin Twins, the JM Boys:

Nice day of batting practice against the hapless Pale Hose. Your bonus checks (and new contracts) are in the mail.






--OTW's Giddy Ownership.

Dear DL Management,

Nice job catching that foul ball today! Bare-handed, no less!

-Frank Thomas

Dear Soon to be Ex-Benchwarmer, Brian Fuentes:

Next time you think you can get away with tanking on the Global Benchwarmers ownership, remember that this happened within 48 hours of their Unsent Letter to you:

Fuentes Temporarily Removed From Closer Role

Brian Fuentes has blown has last four save chances, and has been temporarily removed from the Rockies' closer job.

-- Anon.

Dear Tom Glavine,

Welcome to the team. You're our token white guy.

The Management