Dear Josh Hancock:

R.I.P.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 4):

We coulda been a contenda.

Down 4-7 on Sunday we just needed a few HRs (2), RBI (3), some Ks (8) and some Ws (1) or Sv (2) to flip the standings. We almost got there (6-5-1), no thanks to the Men of Wood.

Pitchers: Johan, no W, but 6 of the 8Ks helped a lot, but then, of all people, Billy Wagner comes out of a 2 week hibernation for a Sv and a K and Johnny Papelbon finishes it off with a Sv and a K of his own. Well done, guys. (Except that we, like our opponent's equally inept starting staff at Climate Central, had exactly one (1) W for the week and tied in that category.)

Hitters: In a word, weak. 7 for 39 (.179), no HR, one RBI on Sunday. Feeble; ineffectual; frail; anemic; enervated. Like I said, weak. We were toast in BA/OPS (again), but a little more freaking contact would have been appreciated and might have produced a couple of wins.

Note to WATB League Watchers: In the great computer auto-pilot matchup of the week (OTW vs. Computer Generated Throbulators), ownership of both teams will be in the desert playing golf together, away from their teams and the Internet and hoping for the best. (Will somebody keep an eye on Joel Zumaya while the OTW owner is out of town? Thanks.)

---OTW Fan Club

Ps: kudos to Run & Hits for a stunning, near-upset in Ks with 21Ks on Sunday.

Ps2: Fantasy Nightmare scenario: Felix comes off the DL on Thursday and pitches a no-hitter with 18Ks against the Yankees in Friday's opener, but Yahoo doesn't recognize the change until Friday and won't allow him to pitch until Saturday. Agggh.

Dear Jim Thome,

As one of only three players on the roster of both my teams, your recent behavior is unacceptable. It was bad enough that, as reported by the manager of the Third Outs, you decided to miss two games without notice in order to go have some ribs. Yes, nutrition is important, and you are a very large man who I would imagine could really pack those ribs away, but you should really eat before the games begin. But then, after telling Ozzie you could play, you apparently ducked out during your at-bat to go get some more ribs--well, that was simply unprofessional. And finally, as if that wasn't bad enough, you have to go on the DL, apparently to go into rehab for some sort of previously undiagnosed ribs addiction? How did it come to this?

Please return your .340/12/5/10/1.233 bat to the lineup as soon as possible. And please know that despite my harsh words above, you are not alone in your battle, and I will be the first to make a donation to your new charity benefiting research on ribs addiction, as soon as you start one. We're all rooting for you.

Dear Joel Zumaya. Hello?

Dude, we talked about this. I thought you had your "stuff" together. Obviously, that referred to packing for the road, an IRS audit or a new diet program. Certainly not your pitching stuff. Two-thirds of an inning and you balloon to a 27 ERA and a 6 WHIP for the day. Although we need your potential saves, your ERA/WHIP are killing us. Take a seat.

The only saving grace was that your OTW teammates, Mauer and Morneau, did you in with 3 RBI and an HR between them in the 8th, sending you to the showers.

--Bouncing Off the Walls Management

Ps: Oops. We benched Morneau today. I am such a rookie.

Dear Josh Beckett:

We have been remiss in not publicly acknowledging your god-like status for April. Whatever draft day doubts we may have harbored have been removed. You are the Stud o' the Staff. Keep it up.

--Off the Wall Ownership, Executives, Staff and Fan Club.

(Ps: Please come by and pick up the various undergarments that have been sent to you by a group calling themselves, "Beckett Babes." Thank you.)

Dear David Wright, Lance Berkman, and Paul Konerko,

Let's take a moment just to see where we're at, shall we?

David: 12 R, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 3 SB, .263, .700
Lance: 11 R, 2 HR, 9 RBI, 1 SB, .233, .714
Paul: 9 R, 3 HR, 15 RBI, 0 SB, .203, .693

As my second, third, and seventh draft picks (11, 22, and 54 overall), you are currently ranked down with such superstars as Rich Aurilia, Scott Hatteberg, Jhonny Peralta, and Mark Gredz . . . Grudzi . . . Gruzdilen . . . you know who I mean.

Yes, it's been cold. But I'm sure you yourselves, when you sit in the dugout and ponder your last hapless at-bat, are not thinking, "If only they let me wear a parka when I hit!" You're tougher than that and better than that. Please begin hitting like it.

Dear Alex Gordon:

Two for two with 3 walks? Well done, young man. Now, calmly go forth and reign hell fire and destruction on the Mariners the next three days. This is your shot.

(Sorry, Felix, but you're on the DL, so he won't be doing it to you.)

--OTW Front Office

Ps: just one homer per game will be more than sufficient.