Dear Jim Thome,

As one of only three players on the roster of both my teams, your recent behavior is unacceptable. It was bad enough that, as reported by the manager of the Third Outs, you decided to miss two games without notice in order to go have some ribs. Yes, nutrition is important, and you are a very large man who I would imagine could really pack those ribs away, but you should really eat before the games begin. But then, after telling Ozzie you could play, you apparently ducked out during your at-bat to go get some more ribs--well, that was simply unprofessional. And finally, as if that wasn't bad enough, you have to go on the DL, apparently to go into rehab for some sort of previously undiagnosed ribs addiction? How did it come to this?

Please return your .340/12/5/10/1.233 bat to the lineup as soon as possible. And please know that despite my harsh words above, you are not alone in your battle, and I will be the first to make a donation to your new charity benefiting research on ribs addiction, as soon as you start one. We're all rooting for you.