Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 3):

Not bad, guys. Not good (lost 4-8), but not bad. Mom & Dad were out of town for the anniversary and we weren't there in the tough, strategic situations, but you (some of you) acquitted yourselves pretty well.

Pitchers. We won WHIP, Ks and ERA again. Lost W, Sv and HR, again.

Josh Beckett. You are the Starting Pitcher Man o' the Week. 2W's. Say no more. Except that it was not enough.

(Felix Hernandez: hang in there. We'll see you in a week or so. M's: you could put him on the DL for 10 days, you know? Wouldn't kill you. We could pick up somebody for a week instead of limping with a busted wing ... again. Duh?)

Jonathan Papelbon. You were the (entire) bullpen for the week, in a valiant but tragically futile effort in the Saves categoy: You: 3, [no 4 - Sunday night late against the Yanks] saves! Rest of the team: none, zero, nada. (Commish: Four (4) saves in a week has gotta be another WATB League record, no?) Alas, the PineGrabbers had 6.

Batters. We won one (1) category, guys. Stolen freaking bases. Blown out in the other five. Way to pound that horsehide.

Joe Mauer. Yeah, you had the hapless M's and KC on the schedule, but wow: .524, 1.400...6 Rs ... 7 RBI and, leading the team (Hey, Carl Crawford, are you listening here?) with 2 steals ... and you're a catcher? (Well done.) Carlos Lee? We were expecting big things. Yeah, 7 RBI on 4 hits ... but that was the whole week. Rickie Weeks and Justin Morneau, you're safe and solid at 2B and 1B. Good job in a losing cause. Shortstops? Jeeeezzz: get a bat, will ya? Third base: anybody want to be an MLB'er? (Now, newly-dumped-to-waivers, Ryan Zimmerman, starts hitting?)

And Guys... as a team: .255 BA for the week? (GrabSomeHindMostWood: kicked your butts with a paltry .305) You are (think "Lou Pinella" delivering this next line -- for motivation purposes, if you need it) in a freaking ALL-STAR fantasy 8-team league team. You are the cream (CREAM!) of the crop. Twelve (12) team leagues would DIE (die!) for your line up...and you hit, what?: TwoFiveFive!???

Most importantly, do some push ups ... or drugs. Two (2) HRs (!) for the week is not going to get it done in an 8-team league. Wally and the Beav could've done better. Or Bullwinkle and Rocket J. Squirrel.

Two? Jeez. Here's a great stat: overall on the HR front, we gave up more HRs (8) (ouch!), than we hit.

Happy anniversary. (Do any of you guys remember 1973?)



Ps: to the WATB League Owners: If you haven't seen "Stranger than Fiction", consider renting it. Very cool. Charming. Funny. Clever. Sweet. And ... Will Farrell can act. Who knew?