Dear Benchwarmer offense,

You are a sorry lot. You are in the bottom half overall in every offensive statistic except steals, and are dead last in batting average and OPS. And I'm not talking dead last like you're hitting .285/.880 and it's just that everyone else is doing better, neither. I'm talking .267/.789. In other words, as a group--as a group of allegedly elite, All Star-caliber players--you are Doug Mientkiewicz. You are Neifi Perez with a few more walks and slightly more power.

But so far, this week you have been particularly sorry. You have set new lows. You will note, for example, that seven (7) of you have one or fewer hits this week. Our current batting champion, Jim Thome (the only one excused from this particular letter), still does not have as many hits as freaking Magglio Ordonez had YESTERDAY.

Matt Holliday, I believed in you. I understood that you would not hit .375 all year. What I did not expect was that literally the instant you became a Benchwarmer, you would succumb to the malaise that has afflicted Lance Berkman and Paul Konerko all year. You know what you have done since hitting two home runs for my opponent on May 12, your last day as part of his team? I will tell you. You have hit .205 with a .507 OPS. You have 8 hits in the last two weeks, with 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and not a single home run.

I understand that you want to be liked by your teammates, that you don't want to be seen as a suck-up by hitting when everyone else is too cool for that. But please, just try explaining to them that hitting is fun. Tell them how great it was to be hitting .375. Tell Lance Berkman how fun it is to hit doubles, in case he's forgotten, because he has only one (1) this entire year. Remind Paul Konerko of how nice it is to hit the ball over the fence and then run slowly around the bases, like a pleasant jog in the afternoon, and how you don't even have to stand around on first base waiting for your teammate to ground into a double play, and how everyone high-fives you in the dugout when you get back.

I'm just saying, give it a try.