Dear ESPN,

I sit through the winter every year eagerly anticipating the return of baseball- my daily escape from a troubling world filled with corruption, greed, warmongering and selfish douchebaggery. So I sit down tonight to enjoy the Braves-Nationals kickoff and welcome my therapist back from vacation. My man Tim Hudson is going tonight (Dear Tim Hudson- great job tonight even if the offense made Odalis Perez look like Johan Santana) and everything is a-OK with the world.

Then suddenly, inexplicably and without warning George W Fu**ing Bush gets thrown in my face. Are you kidding me?! I have to listen to that sociopathic chucklefu** ham it up with Johnny and Joe For 3 fu**ing innings? WTF ESPN! This is not helping me relax. This is not helping me forget my troubles. I just spent the week trying to wrap my head around Iraq's tragic plunge into anarchy and here the author of that tragedy sits joking about how the biggest mistake he ever made was trading Sammy Sosa. Ahhhhhh!

Not a good start to the season, ESPN. Bad dog. No biscuit.

Sincerely,
Mike Duncan

Dear Rich Harden,

How do I love thee, let me count the ways:

1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts

9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.

-The Management

Dear Manny,

I'll admit it—I haven't entirely forgotten your pitiful start for me back in 2006. But way to bring it right out of the gate: 2 for 5 (2 doubles), 1 R, 4 RBIs. More of that, please!

Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.

Dear Late Season Fizzlers,

Welcome newcomers to the team that starts off strong and finishes weak. We have a few players who were resigned (Nathan and Hunter) after putting together a solid 2007. Several of you I would not have picked had I not been in Thailand during the draft (Kaz & Loney - you top that group) but I will give you a chance (mostly because I can't find a better replacement).

Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.

Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.

Here's to career years for you all!

LSF Management

Dear Frank Thomas,

Hi Big Frank!

Long time, no talk. Remember me? I caught a foul ball you hit with my bare hand.

Do you know who Aaron Hill is? He's on my fantasy team.

Your friend,

Jenn

Dear Third Outs,

We are number 3! We are number 3! And we couldn't be happier. Now for some awards:

Third Outs MVP: Magglio Ordonez. Way to keep your eye on the ball! And thank you for starting to hit, with a bang, on June 1st, when it warmed up, just like you said you would.

The I Heart My Catchers Award: Victor Martinez and Jorge Posada. Thank goodness for "1st-base eligibility." You two were quite the wrecking crew and caused jealous looks from other team owners.

The Best-Closer-I-Had-Never-Heard-Of-Before Award: Jose Valverde. But seriously, could you maybe stop doing such a good job in the playoffs and blow a couple of them so the Cubs could win?

The Ace Award: Javier Vazquez. You must have seen me in the crowd in at that one Spring Training game. That is the only explanation for how good, consistently good, you were all season.

The Token White Guy Award: Tom Glavine. But really, no one else could have won it. It's kind of like running unopposed.

The Gone But Not Forgotten Award: Omar!

The Gone But Gladly Forgotten Award: All the rest of you that I had to drop! Yes, pitchers, I'm talking about you! Especially you, Colon, and you, Ervin Santana, and you, Contreras.
Way to give up a home run, or two, or maybe like five, per game.

Have a good offseason. Spend time with your family. Write some books (such as Omar! My Life On and Off the Field). Jam with your band. Take it one day at a time. Next year is your year.

Dear Global Benchwarmers,

You had some rough times. Remember in April, when you were Rich Aurilia, and Jim Thome's addiction to barbecued ribs made headline news? Remember back in May, two months into the season, when you were still Neifi Perez, and when you liked to taunt me by only hitting on my bench? Remember when Brian Fuentes was a solid closer?

But then you started to turn it around, didn't you? Management made some bold trades, bringing in Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday while shipping off the likes of Jake Peavy, John Lackey, and Bobby Jenks. And then you started hitting! And you could still kind of pitch, too, thanks to inconsistent but occasionally ass-kicking youngsters like "Tiny" Tim Lincecum, Yovani "Viva" Gallardo, and Philip "Phil" Hughes! You went 29-6-1 over the last three weeks of the season to go from fourth to second (nicely done!), took a week off, and then demolished both the hapless Off the Wall II and the formerly unstoppable Lexington Legends 11-1--posting an absurd 51-8-1 record over the last six weeks of play.

Awards are handed out as follows:

Comeback Kid: David Wright, who couldn't hit it out the infield the first month and a half of the season, and finished with a ridiculous 113 R, 30 HR, 107 RBI, 34 SB, .325/.962 line
Best Add/Drop Addition: Russell Martin (for Michael "Who?" Barrett), for contributing 21 SB at the catcher position
Rookie of the Year (joint): Hunter Pence (.322/.899, 17 HR, 11 SB in 107 G) and Yovani Gallardo (9 W, 3.67 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 101:37 K:BB in 110.1 IP)
Cy Young (joint): Jake Peavy and C.C. Sabathia--for both the Benchwarmers and in "real" baseball, although C.C. will lose to Josh Beckett because Beckett's extra win was a round number
MVP: Matt Holliday--who will also garner some votes in "real" baseball, but will lose to Jimmy Rollins--for coming in early via John Lackey and Bobby Jenks and putting up a final line of 120 R, 36 HR, 137 RBI, 11 SB, .340/1.012

For those of you who were not recognized, remember, that image of a trophy on my manager page will live forever, and belongs to you.

***

To the other teams in the league who were not fortunate enough to be the Benchwarmers this year, here's how you finished:

2. Lexington Legends (aka "The Actual Best Team, Probably")
3. The Third Outs (aka "The Latin Fireballs," and winner of the league Comeback Award)
4. Off the Wall II (aka "Did You Just Hit a Home Run? Come Be On Our Team!" and winner of the league Add/Drop Award)
5. The Run-and-Hits (aka "Stupid Mariners!")
6. Grabsumpine Meats (aka "We Looked Like a Total Genius for Drafting Torii Hunter, Eric Byrnes, and Barry Bonds . . . Until the Last Month")
7. Climate Changeups! (aka "Yes, We're All Hurt, Again," and winner of the league Yes! Didn't Finish in Last! Eat It, Throbulators! Award)
8. Throbulators (aka "We Couldn't Remember How to Log In Between April and September--Did We Miss Anything?")

Hope you'll all return next year. Remember, the 2008 season is only a short six months away. It's never too early to start preparing for the draft!

P.S. Cubs all the way 2007!!!