R.I.P.
Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 4):
We coulda been a contenda.
Down 4-7 on Sunday we just needed a few HRs (2), RBI (3), some Ks (8) and some Ws (1) or Sv (2) to flip the standings. We almost got there (6-5-1), no thanks to the Men of Wood.
Pitchers: Johan, no W, but 6 of the 8Ks helped a lot, but then, of all people, Billy Wagner comes out of a 2 week hibernation for a Sv and a K and Johnny Papelbon finishes it off with a Sv and a K of his own. Well done, guys. (Except that we, like our opponent's equally inept starting staff at Climate Central, had exactly one (1) W for the week and tied in that category.)
Hitters: In a word, weak. 7 for 39 (.179), no HR, one RBI on Sunday. Feeble; ineffectual; frail; anemic; enervated. Like I said, weak. We were toast in BA/OPS (again), but a little more freaking contact would have been appreciated and might have produced a couple of wins.
Note to WATB League Watchers: In the great computer auto-pilot matchup of the week (OTW vs. Computer Generated Throbulators), ownership of both teams will be in the desert playing golf together, away from their teams and the Internet and hoping for the best. (Will somebody keep an eye on Joel Zumaya while the OTW owner is out of town? Thanks.)
---OTW Fan Club
Ps: kudos to Run & Hits for a stunning, near-upset in Ks with 21Ks on Sunday.
Ps2: Fantasy Nightmare scenario: Felix comes off the DL on Thursday and pitches a no-hitter with 18Ks against the Yankees in Friday's opener, but Yahoo doesn't recognize the change until Friday and won't allow him to pitch until Saturday. Agggh.
Down 4-7 on Sunday we just needed a few HRs (2), RBI (3), some Ks (8) and some Ws (1) or Sv (2) to flip the standings. We almost got there (6-5-1), no thanks to the Men of Wood.
Pitchers: Johan, no W, but 6 of the 8Ks helped a lot, but then, of all people, Billy Wagner comes out of a 2 week hibernation for a Sv and a K and Johnny Papelbon finishes it off with a Sv and a K of his own. Well done, guys. (Except that we, like our opponent's equally inept starting staff at Climate Central, had exactly one (1) W for the week and tied in that category.)
Hitters: In a word, weak. 7 for 39 (.179), no HR, one RBI on Sunday. Feeble; ineffectual; frail; anemic; enervated. Like I said, weak. We were toast in BA/OPS (again), but a little more freaking contact would have been appreciated and might have produced a couple of wins.
Note to WATB League Watchers: In the great computer auto-pilot matchup of the week (OTW vs. Computer Generated Throbulators), ownership of both teams will be in the desert playing golf together, away from their teams and the Internet and hoping for the best. (Will somebody keep an eye on Joel Zumaya while the OTW owner is out of town? Thanks.)
---OTW Fan Club
Ps: kudos to Run & Hits for a stunning, near-upset in Ks with 21Ks on Sunday.
Ps2: Fantasy Nightmare scenario: Felix comes off the DL on Thursday and pitches a no-hitter with 18Ks against the Yankees in Friday's opener, but Yahoo doesn't recognize the change until Friday and won't allow him to pitch until Saturday. Agggh.
Dear Jim Thome,
As one of only three players on the roster of both my teams, your recent behavior is unacceptable. It was bad enough that, as reported by the manager of the Third Outs, you decided to miss two games without notice in order to go have some ribs. Yes, nutrition is important, and you are a very large man who I would imagine could really pack those ribs away, but you should really eat before the games begin. But then, after telling Ozzie you could play, you apparently ducked out during your at-bat to go get some more ribs--well, that was simply unprofessional. And finally, as if that wasn't bad enough, you have to go on the DL, apparently to go into rehab for some sort of previously undiagnosed ribs addiction? How did it come to this?Please return your .340/12/5/10/1.233 bat to the lineup as soon as possible. And please know that despite my harsh words above, you are not alone in your battle, and I will be the first to make a donation to your new charity benefiting research on ribs addiction, as soon as you start one. We're all rooting for you.
Dear Joel Zumaya. Hello?
Dude, we talked about this. I thought you had your "stuff" together. Obviously, that referred to packing for the road, an IRS audit or a new diet program. Certainly not your pitching stuff. Two-thirds of an inning and you balloon to a 27 ERA and a 6 WHIP for the day. Although we need your potential saves, your ERA/WHIP are killing us. Take a seat.The only saving grace was that your OTW teammates, Mauer and Morneau, did you in with 3 RBI and an HR between them in the 8th, sending you to the showers.
--Bouncing Off the Walls Management
Ps: Oops. We benched Morneau today. I am such a rookie.
Dear Josh Beckett:
We have been remiss in not publicly acknowledging your god-like status for April. Whatever draft day doubts we may have harbored have been removed. You are the Stud o' the Staff. Keep it up.--Off the Wall Ownership, Executives, Staff and Fan Club.
(Ps: Please come by and pick up the various undergarments that have been sent to you by a group calling themselves, "Beckett Babes." Thank you.)
Dear David Wright, Lance Berkman, and Paul Konerko,
Let's take a moment just to see where we're at, shall we?
David: 12 R, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 3 SB, .263, .700
Lance: 11 R, 2 HR, 9 RBI, 1 SB, .233, .714
Paul: 9 R, 3 HR, 15 RBI, 0 SB, .203, .693
As my second, third, and seventh draft picks (11, 22, and 54 overall), you are currently ranked down with such superstars as Rich Aurilia, Scott Hatteberg, Jhonny Peralta, and Mark Gredz . . . Grudzi . . . Gruzdilen . . . you know who I mean.
Yes, it's been cold. But I'm sure you yourselves, when you sit in the dugout and ponder your last hapless at-bat, are not thinking, "If only they let me wear a parka when I hit!" You're tougher than that and better than that. Please begin hitting like it.
David: 12 R, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 3 SB, .263, .700
Lance: 11 R, 2 HR, 9 RBI, 1 SB, .233, .714
Paul: 9 R, 3 HR, 15 RBI, 0 SB, .203, .693
As my second, third, and seventh draft picks (11, 22, and 54 overall), you are currently ranked down with such superstars as Rich Aurilia, Scott Hatteberg, Jhonny Peralta, and Mark Gredz . . . Grudzi . . . Gruzdilen . . . you know who I mean.
Yes, it's been cold. But I'm sure you yourselves, when you sit in the dugout and ponder your last hapless at-bat, are not thinking, "If only they let me wear a parka when I hit!" You're tougher than that and better than that. Please begin hitting like it.
Dear Alex Gordon:
Two for two with 3 walks? Well done, young man. Now, calmly go forth and reign hell fire and destruction on the Mariners the next three days. This is your shot.
(Sorry, Felix, but you're on the DL, so he won't be doing it to you.)
--OTW Front Office
Ps: just one homer per game will be more than sufficient.
(Sorry, Felix, but you're on the DL, so he won't be doing it to you.)
--OTW Front Office
Ps: just one homer per game will be more than sufficient.
Dear Joel Zumaya:
I know you're 22, but your actions in the last game merit this: go to your room.
Team Off the Wall is known throughout the WATB League for its poise in the face of adversity. We don't swear at home plate umpires and jeopardize a whole freaking season of calls just because we can't find the freaking plate. OK?
Dear Zack Greinke,
Why did you hit Torii Hunter in the face? Was it completely necessary? He would have charged the mound but he collapsed in pain after a few steps. Now he is a mummy. You are lucky he is a happy mummy. Don't let this happen again.
Dear Nick Swisher,
I hate to say I told you so, but, well, I told you so. Had you followed my advice and CUT YOUR HAIR, you wouldn't have had to twist your head around so much to see where the ball was, your leg wouldn't have buckled, and you wouldn't have pulled your hamstring. See, I was just looking out for you.
I expect you to report back to work in five days with short hair (no mullet, no corn rows).
-The Management
I expect you to report back to work in five days with short hair (no mullet, no corn rows).
-The Management
Dear Alex Rodriguez:
Ok, you've had a nice ... well, great start. But that's enough showing off after 19 games. Since we're playing you this week, it would be appreciated if you took the next few days to revert to the mean. You can resume your torrid pace next week. Thank you.
--Off the Wall Fan Club
(Even we would not wish another DL'er on the beleaguered Changeups ... now @ 5 and counting. Oof.)
Dear WATB League Owners:
Has anyone noticed the awesome team we collectively have on the freaking DL? John McGraw must be turning over in his grave at the abject wimpiness of modern players.
Just an observation.
--OTW Out.
Dear Francisco Rodriguez and Todd Jones
So Frankie, you blow the save and I grimace because you're supposed to be my stud closer (for the Springfield Isotopes in my other league), but I figure, hey, what the heck, that means my man Todd Jones is gonna swoop in and steal one. But oh no, don't look now, Todd throws the ball away and blows the game. Arg.
So we went from an almost guaranteed save to a combined 13.50 ERA and a 2.56 WHIP and not a save in sight. Excellent work gentlemen.
So we went from an almost guaranteed save to a combined 13.50 ERA and a 2.56 WHIP and not a save in sight. Excellent work gentlemen.
Dear Alex Gordon:
Son, 8/59 with 21 Ks is making it tough to keep you around, #1 draft pick or not. I know you've faced some fierce pitching, but you're fanning against everyone. Here's the deal: I smell a breakout series coming up: I'm starting you all three weekend games against my own lovable losing Mariners and their pathetic staff. (Not you, Felix.) Please relax and play up to your freaking potential. Thank you.
--OTW Front Office.
--OTW Front Office.
Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 3):
Not bad, guys. Not good (lost 4-8), but not bad. Mom & Dad were out of town for the anniversary and we weren't there in the tough, strategic situations, but you (some of you) acquitted yourselves pretty well.
Pitchers. We won WHIP, Ks and ERA again. Lost W, Sv and HR, again.
Josh Beckett. You are the Starting Pitcher Man o' the Week. 2W's. Say no more. Except that it was not enough.
(Felix Hernandez: hang in there. We'll see you in a week or so. M's: you could put him on the DL for 10 days, you know? Wouldn't kill you. We could pick up somebody for a week instead of limping with a busted wing ... again. Duh?)
Jonathan Papelbon. You were the (entire) bullpen for the week, in a valiant but tragically futile effort in the Saves categoy: You: 3, [no 4 - Sunday night late against the Yanks] saves! Rest of the team: none, zero, nada. (Commish: Four (4) saves in a week has gotta be another WATB League record, no?) Alas, the PineGrabbers had 6.
Batters. We won one (1) category, guys. Stolen freaking bases. Blown out in the other five. Way to pound that horsehide.
Joe Mauer. Yeah, you had the hapless M's and KC on the schedule, but wow: .524, 1.400...6 Rs ... 7 RBI and, leading the team (Hey, Carl Crawford, are you listening here?) with 2 steals ... and you're a catcher? (Well done.) Carlos Lee? We were expecting big things. Yeah, 7 RBI on 4 hits ... but that was the whole week. Rickie Weeks and Justin Morneau, you're safe and solid at 2B and 1B. Good job in a losing cause. Shortstops? Jeeeezzz: get a bat, will ya? Third base: anybody want to be an MLB'er? (Now, newly-dumped-to-waivers, Ryan Zimmerman, starts hitting?)
And Guys... as a team: .255 BA for the week? (GrabSomeHindMostWood: kicked your butts with a paltry .305) You are (think "Lou Pinella" delivering this next line -- for motivation purposes, if you need it) in a freaking ALL-STAR fantasy 8-team league team. You are the cream (CREAM!) of the crop. Twelve (12) team leagues would DIE (die!) for your line up...and you hit, what?: TwoFiveFive!???
Most importantly, do some push ups ... or drugs. Two (2) HRs (!) for the week is not going to get it done in an 8-team league. Wally and the Beav could've done better. Or Bullwinkle and Rocket J. Squirrel.
Two? Jeez. Here's a great stat: overall on the HR front, we gave up more HRs (8) (ouch!), than we hit.
Happy anniversary. (Do any of you guys remember 1973?)
Ps: to the WATB League Owners: If you haven't seen "Stranger than Fiction", consider renting it. Very cool. Charming. Funny. Clever. Sweet. And ... Will Farrell can act. Who knew?
Pitchers. We won WHIP, Ks and ERA again. Lost W, Sv and HR, again.
Josh Beckett. You are the Starting Pitcher Man o' the Week. 2W's. Say no more. Except that it was not enough.
(Felix Hernandez: hang in there. We'll see you in a week or so. M's: you could put him on the DL for 10 days, you know? Wouldn't kill you. We could pick up somebody for a week instead of limping with a busted wing ... again. Duh?)
Jonathan Papelbon. You were the (entire) bullpen for the week, in a valiant but tragically futile effort in the Saves categoy: You: 3, [no 4 - Sunday night late against the Yanks] saves! Rest of the team: none, zero, nada. (Commish: Four (4) saves in a week has gotta be another WATB League record, no?) Alas, the PineGrabbers had 6.
Batters. We won one (1) category, guys. Stolen freaking bases. Blown out in the other five. Way to pound that horsehide.Joe Mauer. Yeah, you had the hapless M's and KC on the schedule, but wow: .524, 1.400...6 Rs ... 7 RBI and, leading the team (Hey, Carl Crawford, are you listening here?) with 2 steals ... and you're a catcher? (Well done.) Carlos Lee? We were expecting big things. Yeah, 7 RBI on 4 hits ... but that was the whole week. Rickie Weeks and Justin Morneau, you're safe and solid at 2B and 1B. Good job in a losing cause. Shortstops? Jeeeezzz: get a bat, will ya? Third base: anybody want to be an MLB'er? (Now, newly-dumped-to-waivers, Ryan Zimmerman, starts hitting?)
And Guys... as a team: .255 BA for the week? (GrabSomeHindMostWood: kicked your butts with a paltry .305) You are (think "Lou Pinella" delivering this next line -- for motivation purposes, if you need it) in a freaking ALL-STAR fantasy 8-team league team. You are the cream (CREAM!) of the crop. Twelve (12) team leagues would DIE (die!) for your line up...and you hit, what?: TwoFiveFive!???
Most importantly, do some push ups ... or drugs. Two (2) HRs (!) for the week is not going to get it done in an 8-team league. Wally and the Beav could've done better. Or Bullwinkle and Rocket J. Squirrel.
Two? Jeez. Here's a great stat: overall on the HR front, we gave up more HRs (8) (ouch!), than we hit.
Happy anniversary. (Do any of you guys remember 1973?)Ps: to the WATB League Owners: If you haven't seen "Stranger than Fiction", consider renting it. Very cool. Charming. Funny. Clever. Sweet. And ... Will Farrell can act. Who knew?
Dear Rich Harden,
Status "uncertain"?!?! I thought we talked about this. You've hurt me (and yourself!) so many times in the past, but I forgave you and made you my ace. Now your status is uncertain! Please tell me it is only a temporary tightness in your shoulder and you will be pitching on Tuesday. I'll let you get ice cream with the Third Outs pitchers.
-The Management (back in effect!)
-The Management (back in effect!)
Dear Chicago Cubs,
I was pulling for you. It was tough, going into the bottom of the ninth down 7-9 against Isringhausen. And Soriano's improbable two-out pinch-hit double, followed by DeRosa's even more improbable bloop-foul-ball-turned-single to tie it, made it seem like you might pull out a win. But all I'd been saying since the sixth, when you tied it at 7, was, "Please don't go into extra innings, please don't go into extra innings, please don't go into extra innings." Because every extra at-bat was another chance for Pujols to hit a home run. And I was only ahead by one home run, and about 0.008 in OPS.
So what did you do? You tied it, and left it that, and on we went to the tenth, with Pujols due up fourth.
And at that point, well--how could Pujols not hit a three-run homer, handing you a loss in the game (the 13th in your last 17, if you're keeping track) and costing me wins in two categories? You really gave him no choice.
So next time, my recommendation is to win in the ninth. The ninth! Please!
So what did you do? You tied it, and left it that, and on we went to the tenth, with Pujols due up fourth.
And at that point, well--how could Pujols not hit a three-run homer, handing you a loss in the game (the 13th in your last 17, if you're keeping track) and costing me wins in two categories? You really gave him no choice.
So next time, my recommendation is to win in the ninth. The ninth! Please!
Dear Tom Shane,
Don't listen to her. I love the Shane Company. We all love the Shane Company. You're a direct diamond importer! No costly middle-men for you. No sir. And you pass those savings on to us. Plus, your salesmen are non-commission so I don't feel pressured to buy. There is no one I trust more to sell me an excellent diamond at a reasonable price. And thanks to your radio advertisements I know that you're located on the corner of 4th and Stewart, just north of the Westlake Center in downtown Seattle, open Monday through Friday nights till 8, Saturday and Sunday till 5. I'm glad I have a friend in the diamond business.
Your friend,
Mike
Your friend,
Mike
Dear Tom Shane, Owner of Shane Co. Diamonds,
Please stop advertising. It was bad enough that I had to hear your commercials on the way to work on the classic rock station AND the classical music station, but now you're putting up ads on the big billboards behind home plate at many major league baseball stadiums around the country, so that I have to see them during Baseball Tonight? I can't get away from you! I am very tired of your ads. You are not my friend in the diamond business.
Dear Player Database Managers,
I know my previous correspondence remains unsent, but your prompt response is much appreciated. Orlando Hudson has a happy new home. I trust you will continue to balance keeping the DL tags up to date with your obviously important orphan-visiting/kitten-saving/assassination-thwarting duties.
Dear Felix Hernandez:
Don't sweat the 81.00 ERA for yesterday. We all get a little tightness in our elbows, right? You're OK, right? Really OK?
Talk about a first inning MMD (Massive Mood Deflator):
Talk about a first inning MMD (Massive Mood Deflator):
Felix injured early
Hernandez struggles, leaves in first with tightness in elbow
...."Hernandez, who left the clubhouse before the end of the game and was not available for comment, will be examined further today.
"I think it was a blow for all of us mentally," Mariners manager Mike Hargrove said. "A bummer, for lack of a better word. Anytime you lose a pitcher with the talent Felix has it's not a good time. It takes a little bit of time to recover.
"Gut feeling, I think Felix will be OK. I have nothing to base that on."
Dear Player Database Managers,
Howie Kendrick is on the DL. He was put on the DL yesterday. I cannot replace him until you realize that he was put on the DL. Yesterday. Had you realized that he was put on the DL--yesterday--then I could replace him today and have someone in the lineup tomorrow, missing only one day of second-base production, as I fully expected to do this morning. Instead, even though he was put on the DL yesterday--Wednesday--I'm not going to have another second baseman until Saturday. This is annoying.
Perhaps you were visiting an orphanage yesterday afternoon and decided to stay on to read stories to the children and help tuck them into bed. Or perhaps you're all volunteer firefighters and a sudden blaze sprang up in a downtown apartment complex, and you all rushed in to rescue the young and the infirm and the tiny, tiny kittens. Or perhaps a dying secret agent entrusted you with vital information that could thwart a sinister assassination attempt. If this is the case, I forgive you. You had more important things to do, and I understand.
But if not--please keep up.
Perhaps you were visiting an orphanage yesterday afternoon and decided to stay on to read stories to the children and help tuck them into bed. Or perhaps you're all volunteer firefighters and a sudden blaze sprang up in a downtown apartment complex, and you all rushed in to rescue the young and the infirm and the tiny, tiny kittens. Or perhaps a dying secret agent entrusted you with vital information that could thwart a sinister assassination attempt. If this is the case, I forgive you. You had more important things to do, and I understand.
But if not--please keep up.
Dear Giants
Stop screwing up all of Matt Cain's spectacular starts. First you can't score runs, now you can't hold a lead.
Seriously, stop it. I can use the wins.
Seriously, stop it. I can use the wins.
Dear Brad Lidge
Remember 2004 when you struck out 157 batters in 94 2/3 innings with 29 saves? Remember 2005 when you kept up this dominance? Remember 2006 and how despite giving up 10 HRs and having a 5.28 era you were still the closer for the Astros? Remember how I drafted you because we thought that 2006 was an aberration and that you would still be the closer? Remember how you couldn't keep that job one week into the season?
Thanks
The GM
Thanks
The GM
Dear Lance Berkman,
That's the spirit--until you can start doing better than the miserable .206/.690/1 HR/5 R/3 RBI line you've put up so far, you might as well start stealing bases.
But please: Start doing better than the miserable .206/.690/1 HR/5 R/3 RBI line you've put up so far.
But please: Start doing better than the miserable .206/.690/1 HR/5 R/3 RBI line you've put up so far.
Dear Pat Burrell
I don't care what you do in the field, but please keep your eyes open when hitting. Thanks.
--OTW Dept. of Basic Hitting Instruction
Dear Run-and-Hits
Thank you for having a nice big Sunday and bringing us somewhere in the neighborhood of 500. Mr. Pujols, you make me want to barf, but I'm gonna keep running you out there everyday because if I ever sit you I know you're just going to hit 4 grand slams. Mr. Sheffield you also make me want to barf, and I think I'm going to sit you until it warms up, but I have faith you will be back.
mkd
mkd
Dear Yahoo!'s Yellow Notes Service,
Here are my replies to the various notes you supplied for over half my pitching staff today:
The Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzales reports Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen supports SP Jose Contreras amid allegations Contreras paid $200,000 to smuggle his wife and children out of Cuba in 2004. "People have to understand the reality about Cuba," Guillen said. "People have to understand the politics between the United States and Cuba, understand the kids are in the middle of the situation. You want your kids out of there as quick as you can. You want your kids to be with you."
Yahoo! Notes, this is much heavier than the normal news you supply me with. Jose Contreras, I am glad you now have your wife and children with you. Please keep being a good pitcher, like you have been in your last two outings.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim SP Ervin Santana (1-1, 6.35 ERA) will start Monday, April 16, against the Boston Red Sox, according to Mike Petraglia, for Boston.Redsox.MLB.com.
Didn't need a note for this one, as I saw the 11+ ERA in my stats column earlier today when I was checking it through Jim's account, and now it's a big empty white space of empty stats in my account, thanks to you taking away StatTracker because you want me to spend money on it! Boooo! I'll just keep bothering Jim, who paid you his money, but I'll still hold it against you that I don't have it every time I set my lineup.
Philadelphia Phillies SP Freddy Garcia is scheduled to start against the New York Mets, Monday, April 16, according to Ken Mandel of Philadelphia.Phillies.MLB.com.
Please be a good pitcher, Freddy Garcia. I really, really need you to be good.
The New York Times reports New York Yankees CL Mariano Rivera had not allowed a run since last Aug. 27, a span of 20 innings that included the postseason and spring training, prior to the three-run homer he surrendered to Oakland Athletics IF Marco Scutaro on April 15.
Oh, really? It took The New York Times to report that? I could have reported that. Thank you very much, Mr. Rivera. You know because of you my record is now 2-20-2 instead of 2-19-3, because I didn't bench you to get a tie in the HRs allowed category even though I benched Contreras BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD GIVE UP ANY. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, especially considering it was Jackie Robinson day and every one else was also wearing 42, which may have made it a confusing day for you. And I'm sure you feel bad enough as it is.
The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports Milwaukee Brewers CL Francisco Cordero has allowed one hit, two walks and no runs in five appearances covering five innings, with nine strikeouts. He is 4-for-4 in save opportunities.
Not to be superstitious, but this is just the kind of news that causes a pitcher to blow a save. Or two. Or more. . . . (Let's not talk about how good he's been anymore! Pretend you don't notice!)
The Lorain Morning Journal reports Chicago White Sox SP Javier Vazquez (1-0, 0.00) will pitch April 13 against the Cleveland Indians.
Javier Vazquez, I saw you pitch in Spring Training in Tucson, and you were good. I wanted to take your picture while you were on the mound, but it was really hot and the camera decided not to work, so it didn't get your picture.
ESPN.com reports New York Mets SP Orlando Hernandez was ejected in the sixth inning of the team's 6-2 loss to the Washington Nationals Saturday, April 14. Hernandez had just allowed a two-run home run to Nationals OF Chris Snelling when his next delivery ran up and hit Nationals SP Shawn Hill on the right forearm. He was ejected immediately, which he argued against while leaving.
El Duque, I know we're all upset about how poorly The Third Outs have been this season. If only Melvin "Monday" Mora could extend his hitting past the first workday of the week. If only Julio Lugo wasn't always literally the third out. I know. But you, El Duque, are not going to help things by getting yourself ejected. Remember, you have to play to win.
Chicago Cubs SP Carlos Zambrano homered for the 11th time in his career, Friday, April 13, against the Cincinnati Reds. He is tied for third place on the Cubs' all-time list for home runs by pitchers, according to the Associated Press.
And then, Big Z, what did you do? Have a disastrous 5th, get pulled, and lose the game?
FOXSports.com reports Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim SP Bartolo Colon (rotator cuff) threw seven shutout innings for Triple-A Salt Lake Sunday, April 15, in his final rehab start. He allowed three hits while walking one and striking out three. Colon was scheduled to start Friday, April 20, for the big-league club but with the team's game being rained out Sunday, his start could be pushed back.
Please be a good pitcher, Bartolo Colon. I really, really need you to be good.
The Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzales reports Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen supports SP Jose Contreras amid allegations Contreras paid $200,000 to smuggle his wife and children out of Cuba in 2004. "People have to understand the reality about Cuba," Guillen said. "People have to understand the politics between the United States and Cuba, understand the kids are in the middle of the situation. You want your kids out of there as quick as you can. You want your kids to be with you."
Yahoo! Notes, this is much heavier than the normal news you supply me with. Jose Contreras, I am glad you now have your wife and children with you. Please keep being a good pitcher, like you have been in your last two outings.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim SP Ervin Santana (1-1, 6.35 ERA) will start Monday, April 16, against the Boston Red Sox, according to Mike Petraglia, for Boston.Redsox.MLB.com.
Didn't need a note for this one, as I saw the 11+ ERA in my stats column earlier today when I was checking it through Jim's account, and now it's a big empty white space of empty stats in my account, thanks to you taking away StatTracker because you want me to spend money on it! Boooo! I'll just keep bothering Jim, who paid you his money, but I'll still hold it against you that I don't have it every time I set my lineup.
Philadelphia Phillies SP Freddy Garcia is scheduled to start against the New York Mets, Monday, April 16, according to Ken Mandel of Philadelphia.Phillies.MLB.com.
Please be a good pitcher, Freddy Garcia. I really, really need you to be good.
The New York Times reports New York Yankees CL Mariano Rivera had not allowed a run since last Aug. 27, a span of 20 innings that included the postseason and spring training, prior to the three-run homer he surrendered to Oakland Athletics IF Marco Scutaro on April 15.
Oh, really? It took The New York Times to report that? I could have reported that. Thank you very much, Mr. Rivera. You know because of you my record is now 2-20-2 instead of 2-19-3, because I didn't bench you to get a tie in the HRs allowed category even though I benched Contreras BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD GIVE UP ANY. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, especially considering it was Jackie Robinson day and every one else was also wearing 42, which may have made it a confusing day for you. And I'm sure you feel bad enough as it is.
The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports Milwaukee Brewers CL Francisco Cordero has allowed one hit, two walks and no runs in five appearances covering five innings, with nine strikeouts. He is 4-for-4 in save opportunities.
Not to be superstitious, but this is just the kind of news that causes a pitcher to blow a save. Or two. Or more. . . . (Let's not talk about how good he's been anymore! Pretend you don't notice!)
The Lorain Morning Journal reports Chicago White Sox SP Javier Vazquez (1-0, 0.00) will pitch April 13 against the Cleveland Indians.
Javier Vazquez, I saw you pitch in Spring Training in Tucson, and you were good. I wanted to take your picture while you were on the mound, but it was really hot and the camera decided not to work, so it didn't get your picture.
ESPN.com reports New York Mets SP Orlando Hernandez was ejected in the sixth inning of the team's 6-2 loss to the Washington Nationals Saturday, April 14. Hernandez had just allowed a two-run home run to Nationals OF Chris Snelling when his next delivery ran up and hit Nationals SP Shawn Hill on the right forearm. He was ejected immediately, which he argued against while leaving.
El Duque, I know we're all upset about how poorly The Third Outs have been this season. If only Melvin "Monday" Mora could extend his hitting past the first workday of the week. If only Julio Lugo wasn't always literally the third out. I know. But you, El Duque, are not going to help things by getting yourself ejected. Remember, you have to play to win.
Chicago Cubs SP Carlos Zambrano homered for the 11th time in his career, Friday, April 13, against the Cincinnati Reds. He is tied for third place on the Cubs' all-time list for home runs by pitchers, according to the Associated Press.
And then, Big Z, what did you do? Have a disastrous 5th, get pulled, and lose the game?
FOXSports.com reports Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim SP Bartolo Colon (rotator cuff) threw seven shutout innings for Triple-A Salt Lake Sunday, April 15, in his final rehab start. He allowed three hits while walking one and striking out three. Colon was scheduled to start Friday, April 20, for the big-league club but with the team's game being rained out Sunday, his start could be pushed back.
Please be a good pitcher, Bartolo Colon. I really, really need you to be good.
Dear Justin Duchschererererer,
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. Really. You've done a really good job this year...an excellent job, in fact. I just need a pitcher who will give me more innings and more wins.
You understand, right? Can we still be friends?
-The Management
You understand, right? Can we still be friends?
-The Management
Dear Mariano Rivera
Thank you for blowing your first save opportunity of the year for the Third Outs with that 2-out, walk-off 3-run homer to robust .059 hitter, Marco Scutaro, (after having him 0-2, no less): it gave us an improbable, implausible last inning win in the pitching HR category for the week.--Off the Wall Brass
Ps: Maria, I hope this doesn't derail
the veggie recipe express to Seattle.
Dear Rich Harden,
Please don't go on the DL. Please don't go on the DL. Please don't go on the DL.
-The Management (fingers crossed)
p.s. Nick Swisher, why can't you be as eloquent as Ichiro? Never give an interview again.
-The Management (fingers crossed)
p.s. Nick Swisher, why can't you be as eloquent as Ichiro? Never give an interview again.
Dear Carlos Lee
Tres homers (golpe magnífico incluyendo!), 6 RBI, 3 Rs. Usted es lo más apagado posible el Waller para el día.
[The Third Outs understood and felt this deeply yesterday: "Three homers (including a grand slam!), 6 RBI, 3 Rs. You are the Most Off the Waller for the Day.]
And now for you Me Talk Pretty One Day fans, here is the double-reverse Babelfish translation: "Three homers (magnificent blow including), 6 RBI, 3 RS. You are extinguished possible the Waller for the day."
[The Third Outs understood and felt this deeply yesterday: "Three homers (including a grand slam!), 6 RBI, 3 Rs. You are the Most Off the Waller for the Day.]
And now for you Me Talk Pretty One Day fans, here is the double-reverse Babelfish translation: "Three homers (magnificent blow including), 6 RBI, 3 RS. You are extinguished possible the Waller for the day."
Dear Felix Hernandez
OMG!
Hernandez Steals Show From Dice-K
Felix Hernandez Pitches Complete Game One-Hitter As Mariners Beat Red Sox And Matsuzaka 3-0
Dear Mike Mussina,
Congratulations on being our first injured player of the season. You will soon be receiving a gift basket containing an amusing (but not too cutesy) get-well card, two miniature chocolate bars, a bottle of horse liniment, and a single yellow daisy on a bed of plastic grass left over from Easter. You are 38 years old now, so please take care of yourself. We hope that you don't miss too much time, but that if you do, that the Yankees have the courtesy to place you on the disabled list rather than letting you languish in an endless day-to-day purgatory where you're not really injured, but can't actually pitch either.
Dear Yahoo! Sports,
The yellow post-it note with the tiny red explosion should only be used for injuries...please do not use it to tell me that my player will be wearing a new number or that he stole a base. When I log in and see ALL of my players with little yellow notes, it makes me very nervous.
-The Climate Changeups Management
-The Climate Changeups Management
Dear American Players
“I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger.” -- Ichiro, when asked about his lead off appearance today against Daisuke Matsuzaka at Fenway.
Why can't the rest of you barely literate, cliche-ridden baseball lugs speak (and think) like this?
-- Tivo-ing in Seattle
Ps: Or it could be that Mr. Suzuki has a highly literate, deeply philosophical translator and what he actually said in Japanese was, "I've been waiting seven years to kick his $100 million butt."
Or in Americanese, "I b w8ing 7 yrs bro, BOHICA."
Or for Team 3rd Outs: "esperanza de I él despierta el fuego que es inactivo en las hendiduras íntimas de mi alma. Planeo hacerle frente con el celo de un desafiador." (Per Babelfish.)
[... which, when re-translated (by said Babelfish) back to English is right out of Me Talk Pretty One Day: "hope of I he wakes up the fire that is inactive in the intimate cracks of my soul. Planning to do to him in front with the fervor of a challenger."]
Dear Bottom Half of the League:
Look familiar?
---Your respective perplexed hitting coaches.
Ps: some things to think about as you ready yourselves for Week 2:
- Myths about seeing/hitting the ball;
- How to Hit a Baseball (Step 1: "Hold the bat as you would an ax.");
- Maybe the GM will send you here (inspiring music, too!) or here for some instruction;
- and for you studious types, here's what Ted had to say. (Sorry 3rdOuts, English only).
Dear Jonathan Papelbon
That was a manly save against the Rangers. We only needed one K to salvage a weekly category and you gave us 3 in the last 5 outs of the last game. (For you Mariner fans, he had to bail out Joel Pineiro. What a shock.)
Dear Latin All-Stars,
Okay, I get it. I understand that you are all from warm-weather countries and that you do not like the cold weather, but come on! The good thing is there's no place to go but up. I expect you to be unstoppable by June.
Dear Team Off the Wall - Week One
First up, Johnny Papelbon. Listen up. Our week of daily losses to the Lexington Legends is (finally) almost over. We are down 7-4 for the week. We have only one chance left: strikeouts. We're tied in that one; hopelessly behind in all hitting categories. I need you to kick Schilling's overweight butt off the mound, go in there and fan one - just one - measly Ranger. (Soon. Please. You're in the 6th as we speak.) Thank you.
Roy, Johan: well done. 3 W's between you; minuscule WHIP and ERAs. Could use more Ks, but, hey, I'm not complaining.
AJ: you overpaid &*#%@. you get one more start then its off to waivers in exchange for some obscure hitter who doesn't drag down the rest of his teammates. Sorry, but facts is facts, man.
Felix (H) : the snow will go away. Hope you haven't blown your arm out warming up for 3 days.
Felix (L): well done in the fill in role for Furcal. .346 with a run. A little more punch would be nice.
In fact, what's up with the bats on this team? .280/.772 with 6 HRs, 24 R, 21 RBI and a paltry 3 SB is pretty weak. We got creamed in all (all!) of those categories in case you didn't notice. (Carl Crawford? Hello? The league leader? One stolen base? Why do you think you were drafted?)
Freddy Sanchez: nice return off the DL (sorry, Run & Hits). 2/4 with a run and an RBI. You can stay... and have a beer.
Roy, Johan: well done. 3 W's between you; minuscule WHIP and ERAs. Could use more Ks, but, hey, I'm not complaining.
AJ: you overpaid &*#%@. you get one more start then its off to waivers in exchange for some obscure hitter who doesn't drag down the rest of his teammates. Sorry, but facts is facts, man.
Felix (H) : the snow will go away. Hope you haven't blown your arm out warming up for 3 days.
Felix (L): well done in the fill in role for Furcal. .346 with a run. A little more punch would be nice.
In fact, what's up with the bats on this team? .280/.772 with 6 HRs, 24 R, 21 RBI and a paltry 3 SB is pretty weak. We got creamed in all (all!) of those categories in case you didn't notice. (Carl Crawford? Hello? The league leader? One stolen base? Why do you think you were drafted?)Freddy Sanchez: nice return off the DL (sorry, Run & Hits). 2/4 with a run and an RBI. You can stay... and have a beer.
Dear Álex "Grand Slam" Rodríguez,
Those NY fans only love you when you are doing well...we in the front office of the Climate Changeups always love you. Well done! Now keep hitting!
-The Management
-The Management
Dear Chris Capuano,
Your first start of the season, today against the Cubs: 5 1/3 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 1 BB, 4 K, and the win. Carried a one-hitter through five innings.
Andy Pettitte's first start of the season, a couple days ago against the Devil Rays: 4 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 3 BB, 2 K, and the loss.
Thank you for making sure that my very first move of the season backfired as soon as possible. Touche.
Andy Pettitte's first start of the season, a couple days ago against the Devil Rays: 4 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 3 BB, 2 K, and the loss.
Thank you for making sure that my very first move of the season backfired as soon as possible. Touche.
Dear Al Gore
Global warming? Yeah right. It's snowing in April. You're just a tool of Big, uh, Scientists-who-want-more-grant-money. And George Soros. And Michael Moore. Yeah that's the ticket. Go sell your hippy rants someplace else, we ain't buyin'.
sincerely,
Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)
sincerely,
Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)
Dear Felix Hernandez,
Brrrr.... Sorry, guy. Snow happens. Even in baseball. At least you didn't have to go out and hurt yourself today (I know, April 7th ... not exactly ski season). It would have been nice (really nice) to have you and Roy (Oswalt) both have two studly Off the Wall starts in one week, but it ain't gonna happen for you. Rest up and take'm out Sunday.
--dmduncan
Dear Bronson Arroyo
Dude, don't fall for that trash talk about your hair.
It's nowhere near as bad or goofy as Nick Swisher's or, god forbid, your cornrow phase with the BoSox.
(They're really just jealous of your Babe Magnetism:)
Dear Nick Swisher,
OK. I get it. You are growing your hair out for a good cause and won't cut it until the end of the season. Fine. I think we can come to a compromise if you keep having days like today (2/3!) : You keep producing at the plate, I'll look the other way when your terrible long hair flies behind you like a greasy mane when you run to first.
-The Management
p.s. If you EVER put your hair into any ridiculous hairstyle that a boy from Ohio has no right wearing, I will drop you like a bad habit (Bronson Arroyo, I'm looking at you).
-The Management
p.s. If you EVER put your hair into any ridiculous hairstyle that a boy from Ohio has no right wearing, I will drop you like a bad habit (Bronson Arroyo, I'm looking at you).
Dear Run-and-Hits
Only 3 of you showed up for work today. I am very disappointed. Troy, Gary, I know it's cold in Detroit, but I need some offense and you're my big bats. Suck it up. Travis, Josh, thank you for playing today (while the rest of the team sat around on airplanes eating peanuts and bothering stewardesses), however, a combined 0-8 is hardly showing up at all. Mark, what can I say? 1.1 innings pitched. 6.75 ERA and a 2.25 WHIP. I understand a ball bounced off your arm. I'm very sorry, I hope you are not seriously injured. Anyway, let's have a big weekend and get to where we all know we should be. Let's not be the gang who couldn't shoot straight.
Sincerely,
Mike Duncan
Sincerely,
Mike Duncan
Dear Dice K -san
Welcome to America.
Glad we don't have to face you again for a couple of months.
(...but don't for a second think that Kansas City is the best we have to offer ... except in the BBQ category.)
--The Off the Wall Gang
Ps: nice draft pick, Lex.
Dear Tom Gordon,
You are not on my team. However, I must request that you please refrain from blowing wins for Cole Hamels.* Thank you.
__________
* But since you had to do it, thank you for blowing the win by giving up a two-run homer to Brian McCann, who I have in a different league. And actually, thank you for blowing the win for Cole Hamels, who is on my opponent's team this week in that league. Being in two leagues is very complicated. But I trust you will do the right thing from now on: Not blowing any more wins for Cole Hamels, except in week 13 of the season, and possibly toward the end of the season as well depending on playoff matchups. Make a note of it. Thank you again.
__________
* But since you had to do it, thank you for blowing the win by giving up a two-run homer to Brian McCann, who I have in a different league. And actually, thank you for blowing the win for Cole Hamels, who is on my opponent's team this week in that league. Being in two leagues is very complicated. But I trust you will do the right thing from now on: Not blowing any more wins for Cole Hamels, except in week 13 of the season, and possibly toward the end of the season as well depending on playoff matchups. Make a note of it. Thank you again.
Dear Rest of the Off the Wall Staff
Ok, guys, good job. You held it together after the AJ virus struck him in the 3rd inning then got to Mr. Garland. Special kudos to Josh. Sorry I doubted you, dude.
Run & Hits: you gotta stay on top of those "morning people" like Troy.
--OTW
Dear Victor Martinez,
And to think, in the name of fair play, I was going to bench you to let Jorge Tostada play today. Thank God for rain:
Victor Martinez
walk
single
single (RBI)
double (RBI)
single
walk
You're The Third Out player of the day! (And I'm saying that now to motivate those playing night games to prove me wrong.)
Victor Martinez
walk
single
single (RBI)
double (RBI)
single
walk
You're The Third Out player of the day! (And I'm saying that now to motivate those playing night games to prove me wrong.)
Dear AJ Burnett:
Very nice line in your season opener , AJ. (Oh, and a 4.50 WHIP, too.) You get two decent innings under your belt and decide to go on cruise control against the AL Champs? You single handedly gave a meaty boost to our ERA and WHIP. Well, at least you'll be well rested for your next start in say, May.Ps: isn't it about time to go on the DL ... again?
Dear Felix Hernandez,
An even dozen Ks. You are the King, Felix! Happy birthday on April 8th. (Don't forget: you get to vote this year. Maybe it is only for Senor Chavez, but a vote is a vote).
--Off the Wall Gang
Ps: Being sensitive to the language issues on the Third Outs:
Docena Ks uniforme. ¡Usted es el rey, Felix! Feliz cumpleaños de abril el 8. (no se olvide: usted consigue votar este año. Está quizá solamente para senor Chavez, pero un voto es un voto).
--Off the Wall Gang
Ps: Being sensitive to the language issues on the Third Outs:
Docena Ks uniforme. ¡Usted es el rey, Felix! Feliz cumpleaños de abril el 8. (no se olvide: usted consigue votar este año. Está quizá solamente para senor Chavez, pero un voto es un voto).
Dear Jose Contreras,
Only winning pitchers get to go out for ice cream after the game. Remember that.
Dear Jose Reyes,
First of all, let me applaud your attempt to steal second base in the ninth inning with a four-run lead. That kind of attitude will take you far around here! I assure you your pluck and can-do attitude will not go unnoticed, and Hall-of-Famer and two-time MVP Joe Morgan is already nurturing a substantial man-crush on you. However, please speak to Rickey about the dos and don'ts of going on first movement, and about getting picked off on a fake-to-third, throw-to-first move.
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