I sit through the winter every year eagerly anticipating the return of baseball- my daily escape from a troubling world filled with corruption, greed, warmongering and selfish douchebaggery. So I sit down tonight to enjoy the Braves-Nationals kickoff and welcome my therapist back from vacation. My man Tim Hudson is going tonight (Dear Tim Hudson- great job tonight even if the offense made Odalis Perez look like Johan Santana) and everything is a-OK with the world.
Then suddenly, inexplicably and without warning George W Fu**ing Bush gets thrown in my face. Are you kidding me?! I have to listen to that sociopathic chucklefu** ham it up with Johnny and Joe For 3 fu**ing innings? WTF ESPN! This is not helping me relax. This is not helping me forget my troubles. I just spent the week trying to wrap my head around Iraq's tragic plunge into anarchy and here the author of that tragedy sits joking about how the biggest mistake he ever made was trading Sammy Sosa. Ahhhhhh!
Not a good start to the season, ESPN. Bad dog. No biscuit.
Sincerely,
Mike Duncan
Dear Rich Harden,
How do I love thee, let me count the ways:
1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts
9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.
-The Management
1 strikeout
2 strikeouts
3 strikeouts
4 strikeouts
5 strikeouts
6 strikeouts
7 strikeouts
8 strikeouts
9 strikeouts
9 STRIKEOUTS! Welcome back Rich...I've missed you.
-The Management
Dear Manny,
I'll admit it—I haven't entirely forgotten your pitiful start for me back in 2006. But way to bring it right out of the gate: 2 for 5 (2 doubles), 1 R, 4 RBIs. More of that, please!
Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.
Also, please tell Dice-K, way to push past the early struggles to at least give us a shot at a W, and good work on the 6 K's in 5 IP. It was classy of the Red Sox bullpen to at least give the victory to Okajima.
Dear Late Season Fizzlers,
Welcome newcomers to the team that starts off strong and finishes weak. We have a few players who were resigned (Nathan and Hunter) after putting together a solid 2007. Several of you I would not have picked had I not been in Thailand during the draft (Kaz & Loney - you top that group) but I will give you a chance (mostly because I can't find a better replacement).
Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.
Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.
Here's to career years for you all!
LSF Management
Enough with the injuries. Seriously, what the heck is going on? I have a pitcher with a fake nail so he can throw a curve ball. And I have a second baseman who is having butt surgery. At least, Granderson has a legitimate injury. As for you, Pujols, I am pretty stoked to have you on my team but why do you have to have a bum elbow? Fortunately, I have 4 first baseman on the team so you take some days off.
Starting pitching staff, I am not optimistic about your capabilities but statistically in 2007 you all performed above average so I will keep my fingers crossed.
Here's to career years for you all!
LSF Management
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