Dear Benchwarmer benchwarmers,

Lately, when making my lineup, I've been trying to guess when some of you might actually hit, because I am tired of seeing all of your zeros. Let's see how that's working out:

Paul Konerko
Playing: 2/7, 1 R, 1 RBI
Benched: 2/4, 1 HR, 1 R, 3 RBI

Michael Cuddyer
Playing: 3/7, 1 R, 1 RBI
Benched: 3/3, 3 R

Grady Sizemore
Playing: 0/7, 1 R
Benched: 2/4, 1 HR, 3 R, 2 RBI, 1 SB

Total
Playing: 5/21 (.238), 3 R, 2 RBI
Benched: 7/9 (.778), 2 HR, 5 R, 5 RBI, 1 SB

So, tell me: Are you going out of your way to make me look dumb, or what? (Lance Berkman, you are making me look somewhat smarter by only being benched and going 0/6, but frankly, I would much rather you hit anything at all.)

Dear Global BeeDubyas:

This has gotta hurt given your recent personnel moves at 2B and sub-Mendoza team BA:

"Summary: Orlando Hudson drove in four runs on four hits and the Diamondbacks beat the Phillies for their sixth straight win. -- May 29, 2007"

Sorry, it just caught my eye in passing... as I was digesting this bit of team bad news: http://tinyurl.com/2yxv3t

--Off the Wall Scouting and Statistical Dept.

Dear (oh, dear!) Armando Benitez:

I heard you had the stats of a lion, but the heart of a lamb. Jim warned me about you. The other owners urged us rookies to draft you (for their season long amusement).

But I was looking for an RP and, I admit, I considered you. Having the most saves of any available RP got my attention, but ... my ... oh, my that bottom of the 12th demonstration last night against the Mets was enough to scare me off of you forever:

Giants leading by one; save opportunity. Results: Single ... BALK1 (runner to second)...bunt out (runner to third)...ground out ... BALK2 (scored tied)...walk off HR (game over; save blown).

-- An Older, Wiser Off the Wall Management.

Dear Carlos Delgado,

Thank you for realizing June is just around the corner and being the first of the many struggling Third Outs to warm up and start hitting. Some other managers might have gotten rid of you a while ago, but lucky for you, I barely pay any attention to batting averages, who's hitting home runs, and what the other team is doing to kick our butts every week. And in doing so, I have unbelievably small expectations of which you have exceeded greatly, especially with your 5 (5!) RBIs on Saturday. Thank you for telling Tejada that he should start hitting too. Could you please also tell Abreu?

Dear Climate Changeups:

You did it! From 1-11 to 9-2-1 in one week. The CO2 spewing, gas guzzling Throbulators never knew what hit them.

Solar panels and Prius' for everyone!

--Adding a Wind Turbine Off the Wall

Dear Run & Hits:

So ... what's the secret? Maple colored aluminum bats? Cork in all the right places? Elixir in the Gatorade?

Considering that you were up against the league leader with 8 categories up for grabs that was a pretty impressive Sunday you bat boys came up with to smoke the Meats 9-1-2.

--Off the Wall with New Found Respect

Dear Scott Podsednik:

You are so busted.

As all WATB League owners know, Team Climate Changeups has been the victim of a series of performance-diminishing injury "difficulties," i.e. an abnormally high number of players on the DL. This week Team CC made one (1) strategic move: after having you around since ... when, March?... they waived your sorry glued-to-the-DL butt for shortstop, Edgar Renteria and the next day their season turned on the proverbial dime: from 1-11 to 11-1. It's a fantasy league dream. (Props to CC management.) So ... good bye, Scott. Don't need ya, don't want to see ya.

Caveat emptor to the rest of WATB League owners who may be tempted to drink from the Kool-aid that is Scott: this guy is a plague.

--Off the Wall Eagle-eyed Scouts

Dear Matt Holliday,

3/5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and even a stolen base yesterday. Glad to see you're reading the blog!

Dear Benchwarmer offense,

You are a sorry lot. You are in the bottom half overall in every offensive statistic except steals, and are dead last in batting average and OPS. And I'm not talking dead last like you're hitting .285/.880 and it's just that everyone else is doing better, neither. I'm talking .267/.789. In other words, as a group--as a group of allegedly elite, All Star-caliber players--you are Doug Mientkiewicz. You are Neifi Perez with a few more walks and slightly more power.

But so far, this week you have been particularly sorry. You have set new lows. You will note, for example, that seven (7) of you have one or fewer hits this week. Our current batting champion, Jim Thome (the only one excused from this particular letter), still does not have as many hits as freaking Magglio Ordonez had YESTERDAY.

Matt Holliday, I believed in you. I understood that you would not hit .375 all year. What I did not expect was that literally the instant you became a Benchwarmer, you would succumb to the malaise that has afflicted Lance Berkman and Paul Konerko all year. You know what you have done since hitting two home runs for my opponent on May 12, your last day as part of his team? I will tell you. You have hit .205 with a .507 OPS. You have 8 hits in the last two weeks, with 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and not a single home run.

I understand that you want to be liked by your teammates, that you don't want to be seen as a suck-up by hitting when everyone else is too cool for that. But please, just try explaining to them that hitting is fun. Tell them how great it was to be hitting .375. Tell Lance Berkman how fun it is to hit doubles, in case he's forgotten, because he has only one (1) this entire year. Remind Paul Konerko of how nice it is to hit the ball over the fence and then run slowly around the bases, like a pleasant jog in the afternoon, and how you don't even have to stand around on first base waiting for your teammate to ground into a double play, and how everyone high-fives you in the dugout when you get back.

I'm just saying, give it a try.

Dear Chad Gaudin:

Atta, boy! You can pitch for us any time.

(Not bad for the D-Rays' 34th rounder in 2001 draft. As usual, the A's let the Devil Boys and the Blue Birds fumble around before they swooped in and turning him into a pitcher.)

--Your Newly Loyal (but sometimes fickle) Off the Wall Fan Club

Dear Orlando Hudson,

So long, sucker. You were impressive at first. Then you got lazy. You thought, "Howie broke his freakin' hand. He's never coming back! And who else are you gonna get, anyway? Julio Lugo (.243/.668)? Felipe freakin' Lopez (.247/.666)? Chone Figgins (.130/.366)? I've got it made. I'm just going put my feet up and make myself comfortable. Any snacks around here?"

You may keep the 4 hits you have collected in your last 37 at-bats as a memento of your time with the team. Security will escort you from the building.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 7):

Pretty good week, gentlemen. Global Benchwarmers are your mirror image and you played them even up ... not to brag, but you actually eked out a second win in a row (6-5-1).

Pitchers: combining for just one (1) W and two (2) SVs was a head scratcher, but we won ERA (2.97) and Ks (64 to 56). Gold stars to Felix for getting off the DL and tossing 14 Ks (the ERA will come around) and to new OTW Young Guns, James Shields (13 Ks, 2.40 / .093 for the D-Rays) and Fausto Carmoda, (our 1 W, 0.00 ERA and .067 WHIP) for not tanking as soon as the contracts were signed.

Welcome, Chad Gaudin (rhymes with that French painter guy who dabbled in all things gaudy and Polynesian) from the A's.

Hitters: you shocked the league, your owners, your wives and girl friends, your dogs and the Commissioner by winning 4 categories, most shockingly HRs (11-9) and RBI (44-31). Gold stars all around... well, except 2B where we are still desperately searching for a bat (but not as much as Global BDubya's saddled with, as their owner refers to him, "Orlando 0-4 Hudson.")

Welcome to Kevin Youkilis (BoSox) who added some punch, but in an owner error seems to be platooning with our new 3B, Mike Lowell. Oops. Adios to Shane Victorininoino, who came up for cup of coffee in another head scratching "move" by ownership.

Dear Rickie Weeks:

Next time you're planning to suddenly recover from your wrist issues and return to the line-up unannounced to bang out a career-high four freaking hits (and 3 RBI), please call first. Would have helped avoid a 1-9-2 start to the week against the Mighty LexLegs. Thanks.
--OTW Ownership

Dear Climate Changeups,

COME ON!

-The Management

Dear Third Outs,

We won! We won! We won!

Dear Nick Swisher,

THANK YOU! Now I can only complain about your performance at the plate.

-The Management

Clubhouse Posting for Team Off the Wall:

All further contact with the Climate Change-ups is hereby prohibited.

The CDC has issued a nationwide alert after discovery that the Change-ups are carrying a highly contagious, virulent strain of a potentially career threatening disease: Injury Proneosity (IP). Three days ago Rickie Weeks, Joe Mauer and our super-sized hero, Josh Beckett went partying with Adam Wainwright. Result:

• "Weeks will miss the next few games with a wrist injury, according to the Milwaukee radio broadcast. There was no indication if it was the same wrist that caused Weeks to miss the end of last season and have surgery in the off-season."

• "St. Paul Pioneer Press, reports Minnesota Twins C Joe Mauer (quad) will likely need more than the standard 15 days to recover from his strained left quadriceps."

• "Josh Beckett, baseball's winningest pitcher, is headed for the disabled list because of a finger injury and is expected to miss two starts before returning for Boston's home game May 29 against Cleveland."

For you Off the Wall super-studs who think this can't affect you (Hello, Bronson Arroyo?) , the CDC reports that a common side effect of IP is an acute case of "penile shrinkage." Remember all those questions about Change-up ace, Pedro Martinez's, "manliness?" You don't think the Latin Macho Man's been on the DL all season because of a little arm soreness, do you?

Enough said.

--Off the Wall Training, Personal Hygiene and Prescription Medication Dept.

Attention all Climate Changeups:

NO ONE GOES ON THE DL FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF THE SEASON! I'm looking at you Adam Wainwright (p.s. what the hell happened last game?).

I'm serious...no more injuries.

And to Nick Swisher, just because I'm preoccupied by my entire pitching staff headed to the DL, don't think I've forgotten about your hair. Cut it.

-The very annoyed Management

Dear Matt Holliday,

Saturday, your last day before joining the Benchwarmers: 2/4, 2 R, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 0 BB, 0 K

Since then:

Sunday: 0/3, 0 R, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 2 K
Monday: 0/3, 0 R, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 1 K

Welcome--I see you're fitting in already.

Dear Junior:

Who knew you had a sense of humor?

--Jocks for Jr.

Dear Josh Beckett:

No-o-o-o-o-o!

"May 15 Gordon Edes, of the Boston Globe, reports the Boston Red Sox may be forced to put SP Josh Beckett (finger) on the disabled list. Beckett is not expected to make his next start."

--Babes for Beckett Fan Club
"We have a love-hate relationship with your baby-smooth fingers."

Dear WATB League Owners:

They must have been watching Pudge last night.

--OTW Drug Watch Department

Ps: Props to the Lex Legends for nearly running the table last week (11-1). They obviously have discovered a new masking agent or all this background noise about Al Gore's carbon footprint distracted the Climate Changeups from the series.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 6):

Well done, Boys. Your prodigious and timely offensive awakening the last three days propelled us to an 8-3-1 victory for the week over the pesky Run & Hits. Ten HRs was a welcome surprise. Cake and beer all around.

Special props to Justin "I've broken my nose before in street hockey" Morneau, who was able to see over (around?) his displaced nose to come through with 3 hits in the last MLB game of the week Sunday night to win BA category for us.

(Note to those who may not have been following StatTracker pitch-by-pitch last night: Run & Hits had a .279 BA going into that game vs OTW's .278; we each had one hitter in the game: Morneau for us; Sheffield for them; a true head-to-head match up. Sidelight: Justin scored 3 Rs to come within one of winning that category, too.)

For next week, please welcome, Shane Victorinoinoino, who can steal bases (14) and hit ... we hope, like he did 2 weeks ago (>.400) not last week (<.150). Let's hope Mike Lowell can finally settle down the troublesome 3B slot. We hope OTW Management can also settle down 2B where since-departed Freddy Sanchez, Rickie Weeks and newly-acquired Kelly Johnson hit about a buck fifty last week. (We're hoping, but not praying.)

OTW Pitchers: great work, including 2 Ws each by Mr. Oswalt and newly acquired Fausto Carmoda. Everybody under 3.50 ERA. Please welcome Felix "Please Still be a Phenom" Hernandez back to the team. Adios, John Garland. You pitched well, but choosing you over Felix (or this kid, Fausto)? Sorry, but your best days are behind you.

--OTW's Surging Fan Base

PS: to OTW Management: are you purposely trying to hit your 60 transaction limit by July?

Dear Josh Beckett:

If you have to pitch like this to save your finger from the "torn flap of skin," (now being called an "avulsion,") then by all means, do so.... but please don't DL us. We are a little concerned that the Boston Herald reports you're planning to use "Stan's Rodeo Ointment." Here's some Internet first aid advice for it.

-- OTW Fan Club (Digit Watch Dept.)

Ps: we here in Digit Watch Fan Central don't even mind if you go (no pun intended) Moises/Jorge on us (just don't expect us to shake hands): "the Moises Alou method of blister prevention: Earlier this season (2004) the Cubs outfielder, who doesn't wear batting gloves, said he urinated on his hands to toughen the skin. (The Yankees' Jorge Posada vouched for the trick's effectiveness, though presumably he uses his own urine, not Alou's.)"

Ps2: click on your old photo above for another solution.

Dear Matt Holliday,

No, no, no. You start as a Benchwarmer tomorrow. Tomorrow!

When you arrive, please remind the rest of the team, who are a collective 7 for their last 64 over the last two days, that the object when they go up to home plate is to hit the ball (the small white object thrown in your direction by a man on a small hill) with the bat (the large wooden stick you take with you). You might also remind them that if they hit the ball over the fence, that is called a home run, and is a helpful thing to do from time to time.

Dear Magic Weight Loss advertiser,

Your ad is so terrible and ill conceived that I feel compelled to post just to get it off the top of the blog.

I can only speculate that you, along with the makers of this other nominee for most irritating Web ad ever (as seen here in the wild), are perhaps carrying out a secret program to create ads so diabolically irritating that it will bring about the end of animated Web advertising as we know it, including but not limited to ads that expand when your mouse arrow happens to drift nearby, float in from the top or side of the screen, follow as you scroll down a page, challenge you to catch and/or shoot something, invite you to answer absurdly easy celebrity trivia on a background of colors that go beyond clashing and into Napoleonic warfare, make sounds of any kind, or make the corner of a page look like it's curling, on the theory that gee, there sure must be something interesting hiding back there.

Warning: Do not look directly at the other nominee for most irritating Web ad ever for too long. If you experience bleeding, seek medical attention immediately.

Token mention of my fantasy baseball team: Please have a good day, Jake Peavy and John Lackey and Scott Kazmir and C.C. Sabathia and Rich Hill and Cole Hamels and to a lesser extent Tim Lincecum, who was invited to the party but unfortunately couldn't attend.

Pretty revolting ad from the Boston Herald sports section next to article about Josh Beckett. Who clicks on these things?

--Wasting Time in Seattle

Dear Off the Wall "Hitters,"

Uh...guys? We're 3 days into this week and you batsmen are flirting with the freaking Mendoza Line. A two-oh-two team BA? The fans are getting restless.

The pitching staff can't do it all, guys. I've already gotten requests from Roy and Josh that the pitchers be moved to a new hotel lest they be seen in public with you. Clubhouse whispers have Johan talking trade. Newly acquired James Shields (nice outing, dude) walked off the mound last night shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

Can we put a little wood on the ball the rest of the week?

--Off the Wall Management.

Dear Lance Berkman,

Now this is more like it. Glad to see you've remembered that you can actually hit the ball over the big fence in the outfield, and then run all the way around the bases without stopping.

Dear Mariano Rivera,

I am going to sell you for a quarter.

Dear Josh Beckett:

I don't know what you're doing or how you're doing it, but I hope it's contagious. Well done, young man.

--- Your fawning OTW Ownership, Management and Fan Club

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 5):

Congratulations. You not only lose handily to the computer generated Throbulators, a/k/a Robby the Robot (seen here with the team owner), but you set a new league record for fewest HRs in a week: one (1). One?

Please try harder this week ... or begin taking liberties with the rules, especially those relating to performance enhancing drugs. (We have people to guide you.)

-- Your loyal, but dwindling OTW Fan Base

Dear Tim Lincecum,

See you Sunday.

Dear San Francisco Giants,

I've been holding on to Tim Lincecum for a while now. He seems pretty good to me. Here's his line this year toiling away with the "Fresno Grizzlies":

5 starts, 4-0, 31 IP, 1 R (!), 12 H, 11 BB, 46 K (!), 0.29 ERA (!!), 0.74 WHIP

Now, meanwhile, you're running Russ Ortiz out there every fifth day. We had the "pleasure" of watching Mr. Ortiz last night against the Rockies (from very very close--thanks Sky and Maisie!), wherein he lasted all of 3 1/3 innings while giving up 8 runs on 9 hits. Let's look at his line so far, just for fun:

5 starts, 2-2, 29.1 IP, 21 R, 42 H, 9 BB, 18 K, 6.44 ERA, 1.74 WHIP

This is the guy you're clinging to? Do I have to go get Lincecum myself? I can take a half-day at work and go pick him up. It's no problem. Let me know.

Dear David Wright,

Finally. Now keep it up, and let us never speak of April again.

Dear Alex Gordon:

Sorry, guy. When someone says Alex and All Star 3B, they mean... well, Alex, not you. Minor League Player of the Year or not, we had to put you on the waiver wire. A buck sixty-seven, an OPS under .600 and a couple of homers doesn't cut it at the hot corner. Our loyalty will return when your bat does.

Recommendation: spend some time in the cage with George Brett.

Sadly,

Off the Wall Management