Dear Third Outs,

We are number 3! We are number 3! And we couldn't be happier. Now for some awards:

Third Outs MVP: Magglio Ordonez. Way to keep your eye on the ball! And thank you for starting to hit, with a bang, on June 1st, when it warmed up, just like you said you would.

The I Heart My Catchers Award: Victor Martinez and Jorge Posada. Thank goodness for "1st-base eligibility." You two were quite the wrecking crew and caused jealous looks from other team owners.

The Best-Closer-I-Had-Never-Heard-Of-Before Award: Jose Valverde. But seriously, could you maybe stop doing such a good job in the playoffs and blow a couple of them so the Cubs could win?

The Ace Award: Javier Vazquez. You must have seen me in the crowd in at that one Spring Training game. That is the only explanation for how good, consistently good, you were all season.

The Token White Guy Award: Tom Glavine. But really, no one else could have won it. It's kind of like running unopposed.

The Gone But Not Forgotten Award: Omar!

The Gone But Gladly Forgotten Award: All the rest of you that I had to drop! Yes, pitchers, I'm talking about you! Especially you, Colon, and you, Ervin Santana, and you, Contreras.
Way to give up a home run, or two, or maybe like five, per game.

Have a good offseason. Spend time with your family. Write some books (such as Omar! My Life On and Off the Field). Jam with your band. Take it one day at a time. Next year is your year.

Dear Global Benchwarmers,

You had some rough times. Remember in April, when you were Rich Aurilia, and Jim Thome's addiction to barbecued ribs made headline news? Remember back in May, two months into the season, when you were still Neifi Perez, and when you liked to taunt me by only hitting on my bench? Remember when Brian Fuentes was a solid closer?

But then you started to turn it around, didn't you? Management made some bold trades, bringing in Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday while shipping off the likes of Jake Peavy, John Lackey, and Bobby Jenks. And then you started hitting! And you could still kind of pitch, too, thanks to inconsistent but occasionally ass-kicking youngsters like "Tiny" Tim Lincecum, Yovani "Viva" Gallardo, and Philip "Phil" Hughes! You went 29-6-1 over the last three weeks of the season to go from fourth to second (nicely done!), took a week off, and then demolished both the hapless Off the Wall II and the formerly unstoppable Lexington Legends 11-1--posting an absurd 51-8-1 record over the last six weeks of play.

Awards are handed out as follows:

Comeback Kid: David Wright, who couldn't hit it out the infield the first month and a half of the season, and finished with a ridiculous 113 R, 30 HR, 107 RBI, 34 SB, .325/.962 line
Best Add/Drop Addition: Russell Martin (for Michael "Who?" Barrett), for contributing 21 SB at the catcher position
Rookie of the Year (joint): Hunter Pence (.322/.899, 17 HR, 11 SB in 107 G) and Yovani Gallardo (9 W, 3.67 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 101:37 K:BB in 110.1 IP)
Cy Young (joint): Jake Peavy and C.C. Sabathia--for both the Benchwarmers and in "real" baseball, although C.C. will lose to Josh Beckett because Beckett's extra win was a round number
MVP: Matt Holliday--who will also garner some votes in "real" baseball, but will lose to Jimmy Rollins--for coming in early via John Lackey and Bobby Jenks and putting up a final line of 120 R, 36 HR, 137 RBI, 11 SB, .340/1.012

For those of you who were not recognized, remember, that image of a trophy on my manager page will live forever, and belongs to you.

***

To the other teams in the league who were not fortunate enough to be the Benchwarmers this year, here's how you finished:

2. Lexington Legends (aka "The Actual Best Team, Probably")
3. The Third Outs (aka "The Latin Fireballs," and winner of the league Comeback Award)
4. Off the Wall II (aka "Did You Just Hit a Home Run? Come Be On Our Team!" and winner of the league Add/Drop Award)
5. The Run-and-Hits (aka "Stupid Mariners!")
6. Grabsumpine Meats (aka "We Looked Like a Total Genius for Drafting Torii Hunter, Eric Byrnes, and Barry Bonds . . . Until the Last Month")
7. Climate Changeups! (aka "Yes, We're All Hurt, Again," and winner of the league Yes! Didn't Finish in Last! Eat It, Throbulators! Award)
8. Throbulators (aka "We Couldn't Remember How to Log In Between April and September--Did We Miss Anything?")

Hope you'll all return next year. Remember, the 2008 season is only a short six months away. It's never too early to start preparing for the draft!

P.S. Cubs all the way 2007!!!

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 25):

I know. I know. You're all a little disoriented. You thought the season was over last Sunday and here you are forced to drag your sorry butts out of the dugout for another week of being butt kickees to the Third Outs Latino Express. Now, our General Manager has gone on a transaction binge and you don't recognize anyone in the clubhouse (or you were unceremoniously sent packing). Sorry about that.

We tried to keep him under control but when Yahoo sent him a warning that he was nearing his 60 move limit, it was like waving the proverbial red flag in front of the bull ... opening the tuna can within earshot of the cat ... showing a budget surplus to Congress: he just went nuts: eight transactions in 3 days; 4 within 10 minutes this morning!

Fausto? Gone. Josh? Gone. Carl? Joe? Justin? Gone. Gone. Gone. Yahoo cut him off at 60, but not before he flooded the mound with new starters. Three of them will go on Sunday alone.

Needless to say, he was summarily fired, but that does nothing for the damage he's done to team morale and the Off the Wall camaraderie you've developed over this l-o-n-g six month season. All we can do is apologize and say, "see you at the draft."

Adios, amigoes.

--OTW II Ownership Group

Dear Yahoo Buzz Index:

"Tim Wakefield (Bos – SP) 13,299 drops
Wakefield has followed up a brilliant August (4-1 in five starts, 2.45 ERA, 0.97 WHIP in 33.0 IP) with a horrific September (two starts, 17.55 ERA, 3.15 WHIP in 6.2 IP).
Lowdown: Wakefield's poor efforts couldn't have come at a worse time, as many of the most active fantasy owners, like Round One shocker, Off the Wall II, of the West Coast Amateur Tee Ball League, are engaged in H2H playoff battles or roto stretch runs. If you took a chance on Wakefield like the trigger-happy OTW owners did , then you have my condolences."
http://tinyurl.com/2asoq4

Yeah. We noticed. Thanks for the condolences.

--- The aforementioned OTW II owners.

Ps: wouldn't have hurt to email us working stiffs that Carl Crawford chose this week to sit out his snit fit suspension.

Dear Shawn Marcum:

"Sep 13 Marcum, [soon to be ex-OTWII starter] who has allowed six home runs and 22 earned runs in his last 23.1 innings, admits that he's wearing down as the season progresses according to the team's web site reports."

We're painfully aware of your recent stats, but couldn't you have sucked it up and gotten through this two-start week then gotten tired?

-- Less than Pleased in Seattle

Dear Climate Changeups!,

Even though we aren't in the playoffs, this is a momentous day: THE CLIMATE CHANGEUPS! HAVE NO ONE ON THE DL!

Apparently, we are SO unexciting, that Yahoo! has started giving updates about our players' teammates, rather than the players themselves. Case in point: Adrián Gonzalez

"It won't be surprising if Gonzalez's teammate Milton Bradley (right oblique) misses San Diego's entire three-game series at Los Angeles that begins on Tuesday, according to the San Diego Union-Tribune."

Thanks for the update Yahoo!

-The Not-in-Last-Place Climate Changeups! Management

Dear Team Off the Wall Dos:

Unpack your bags, boys. We live to fight another day!

Tied 5-5 going into Sunday, you stunned the WCATB League pundits with a 10-2 shellacking of the Mighty Meats. Well done.

















Photo: Team Mom presenting home-grown bouquet to Round One MVP, her favorite ex-M heart throb, Mr. A-Rod.






(Thank you, Jenn.)

Dear Team Off the Wall Redux (Playoffs R1):

I know, I know. There's tonight and the weekend left and its a lot closer (duh!) than 10-0 indicates, but if you guys blow this you're all walking the proverbial plank off the Digital Deep End.

Meanwhile, I'm off to buy a Prius (armed with Maria's instructions on digital buying procedures).

--Off the Wall II Ownership Group.

Dear Mariners:

Say it ain't so, Jo(hn Mclaren). Swept at home by the team you're trying to catch? In late August? You're breakin' our hearts in Seattle. Come on boys, suck it up.

-- Long Suffering, Loyal M's Fans Since '77 (when Liz was pregnant with that twinkle in our eye, James Marr).

Dear Team Off the Wall, the Sequel - Week 21

That giddy, giggly war whoop you just heard was the Benchwarmers' ownership getting that kick ass week they were looking for ... at your expense. Down a respectable 4-6 going into Sunday and you decide to start hitting like OTW the Older and wind up on the short end of an eleven-to-one rout?

Yeah, yeah, it was close. (OK, very close.) Take that to the bank and try to get a mortgage.





-- The "maybe we can back into the last playoff spot" fan club.

Dear Benchwarmer closers,

I was being very clever. Since my first-place opponent had lucked into five of her eight starting pitchers getting two starts this week, while I only had one, I figured I was likely to get mauled in wins and strikeouts once the weekend rolled around. So after Hamels gave me 8 IP with only 1 R allowed on Monday (and Dempster contributed a lackluster 1 IP, 3.00 WHIP, but fortunately no runs), I was sitting with a nice 1.00 ERA and 0.86 WHIP, with 1 HR allowed. "Well, OK," I thought. "I don't have much chance at W's and K's, but if I bench all my pitchers, I'm all but guaranteed a 3-3 split in pitching, and can just try to take her on offense."

Then, like some sort of Greek morality tale, I got greedy. I thought, "Hey, maybe I can take saves too, and get 4 out of 6 for pitching! Surely my closers can give me a couple scoreless innings."

Instead, Frankie, you gave up a run in 2 IP in a non-save situation; Dempster, you tossed in his bases-loaded inning in another non-save situation; and Lidge, you gave up not only 2 runs yesterday to blow a save, but did it on a home run as well. (Frankie, you did give me a 0.00/0.00 save yesterday--thanks!)

Thanks to which my 1.00/0.86 line has now ballooned to 2.70/1.13, which is . . . wait for it . . . 0.02/0.02 BEHIND my opponent's 2.68/1.11.

What I'm saying is: Please, please, get it together. It'll only take a few scoreless innings to bring that down to a winnable level again. I don't want my comeuppance for getting greedy!

Dear Mr. Rod:

This is not what we paid for (your stats in last week):






This is what we were and are looking for
(your season stats, in case you've forgotten).




A simple reversion to the mean would be fine. Sheesh.

--- OTW II Fan Club

Ps: Enough chortling over there in the Disabled Climatic's dugout.

Dear Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball,

I came home from work today, turned on ESPN, saw that there was a Mets/Brewers game on, and thought, great! I have a starter in that game (Oliver Perez for the Mets). And then I see Claudio Vargas pitching for the Brewers, who is also one of my pitchers, and I panic. I don't remember seeing that Vargas was starting today in my roster. Sure enough, there is no carat by his name! Yahoo! What happened? So I start cursing ESPN, especially when I see Perez give up a 3-run home run in the first inning (to Prince Fielder, on my opponent's team this week, nonetheless)! Oh, I almost started writing you a letter right then.

And then Vargas goes into the 2nd, and he starts off with a lead-off walk. I start trash-talking Vargas (not his fault really), and he gives up some runs! I egg him on. Give up more! More! If I'm not playing you, then do a terrible job! He gives up so many in fact that he only lasts 2.2 innings, gives up 2 home runs, and has an ERA of 23.63! Yahoo! Thank you! I am so happy with your error!

Hot Match Up Alert:

Tuesday night (hope ESPN covers it):

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 17):

Although you're a mere shadow of your former selves,* you did eke out a victory over the Mighty Meats and have earned the right to have your name back. Well done.

The same cannot be said for you, Alex. You've been more than a bit sulky after being traded (e.g. .136 BA last week), so let's suck it up, hit the stupid 500th HR and start contributing. (The fans' anticipatory flashbulbs are no excuse for a pro. Get over it.)

-- Off the Wall Ownership

* Only hitters Carlos Lee, Carl Crawford and the Twin JMs (Mauer & Morneau) and pitchers Josh Beckett, Felix Hernandez, JPap and Billy Dubya remain from the original draft roster that has been relentlessly (some might say, "obsessively") sliced and diced by the Day Trading OTW Personnel Department. Note: Matsui-san is back, probably just in time for is hot streak to end.

Dear Brad Lidge,

I was feeling pretty good--I had four starters going, all of which pitched decently and two of which were in line for wins. And, more importantly, none of them had given up a single home run. Which, with us a tie at 7 in that category, was a pleasant surprise.

Until I notice that for some unknown reason, you've pitched 1.2 innings in a game in which the Padres scored 11 runs in the first, and in which your team was still losing 11-15 in the top of the ninth. My thought was: WTF? Aren't you a closer again? Why are you pitching multiple innings in a lost game?

So, fine, there's a man on third and two outs. No problem. Then, as I'm sitting there trying to figure out why you're pitching at all, StatTracker informs me:

Bard doubled to left, Gonzalez scored

"OK, fine," I say, "we're not winning ERA and WHIP anyway. No problem, as long as you don't give up any . . . ," at which point StatTracker informs me that apparently on the very next pitch:

Kouzmanoff homered to deep left, Bard scored

Seriously? Are you on Garner's fantasy team or something, and he really needed a strikeout or two? Is that it? Please just tell me, because I'm dying to know what the heck you were doing out there.

Dear Team Warning Track Power:

I know. You're all nervous: you haven't had a lead going into the weekend since the late 20th century and you're getting a little tight knowing that the stats could swing either way. In this moment of need, please feel free to fall back on any time honored sports cliche to boost your performance: "play them one game at a time," "stay in the moment," or "I can relax realizing how blessed I am to play a game for a living." Superstitions? Go for it. Wear the same underwear, shave your head, wear your girl friend's clothes, eat raw meat before the game... whatever it takes.

James Shields. Dude, we need your arm today. They've got Cain, Smoltz, Maddux and Willis going so we have to play you. I know I've been threatening to send you packing and your high, HR-prone fast ball against the BoSox bats doesn't bode well in the HR category, but could you just get the W and a lot of Ks? Wouldn't hurt to give up only solo jobs and to keep the ERA under 4 (for once) either. (Young Gun bonus incentive: Alex is offering a "date" with any one of his strippers acquaintances for a W; any two if you add 10 Ks; and any three if you also go under 3.00 ERA.)

-- WTP Management on behalf of the nascent WTP Fan Club.

Ps: Oh, didn't I tell you about the new name? My apologies. You can have the old one back when you hit a few off (over?) the wall.

Dear Armando,

Ah, yes. A familiar sight for Giants fans. It was not long ago that I cringed as you took the mound but yesterday I smiled a sinister smile as Eric Byrnes stepped to the plate with two runners on and the game on the line. And you delivered. Gracias mi amigo. With that homerun I was able to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

Let us hope that you face Bonds three times this weekend so we can all watch him hit 754, 755 and 756 in SF and the Meats can enjoy the benefit of a little offense.

And feel free at any time to come into the game and pitch to your teammates Cabrera and Uggla.

-A very happy Meat

Dear Albert Pujols,

I understand you feel conflicted about facing your former team, the Run and Hits--the team who drafted you, the team you grew up with. You guys had some great times together. Remember the first time I played them, when the Cubs tied that game on Sunday in the bottom of the ninth, and you hit that home run in the top of the tenth, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me in your last at-bat of the week? Or remember the second time I played them, when you were 2/3 with two home runs on Sunday, thereby taking away both home runs and OPS from me AGAIN, in a week when I had a thoroughly respectable 12 home runs and 1.020 OPS?

I'm just saying--now that we're going into Thursday and you don't have a single hit yet, or even so much as a walk? I'm assuming you're going to do something really, really great on Sunday to make up for it. (Preferably to win me home runs and OPS.)

Dear West Coast Amateur T-Ball League owners:

Great first mid-season league meeting yesterday at Golfland USA. Nice to be able to put a voice and face to the heretofore mysterious Meats and Changeups. Curious that the Throbulators came out of hiding to capture the title, although it was duly noted that they made up the rules and handled scoring. See you at the game.

-- Warning Track Power (f/k/a Off the Wall)

Ps: Barry, don't even think about it tonight.

Dear Scott Olsen,

I haven't written multiple letters to a player since Swisher wouldn't cut his hair, but your recent antics leave me no choice:

Florida Marlins SP Scott Olsen was arrested Saturday, July 21, for refusing to pull over during a traffic stop, according to police. He was charged with driving under the influence, resisting arrest with violence and eluding a police officer. An officer was running a radar check and clocked Olsen speeding shortly after 3:00 a.m., according to department spokesman Capt. William Washa. Olsen finally stopped his car when he arrived home, where he began fighting with officers and refused to take a Breathalyzer test.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! Insubordination? Arrested? Shape up or I'll ship you out.

-The Management

UPDATE: I dropped you. Go think about what you did.

Dear Unstoppable Climate Changeups!,

What a turnaround!

-Marquis (winner!) allowed four hits over 7 2-3 innings.
-Penny (winner!) lowered his ERA to 2.33 while striking out eight and walking three.
-Zito (winner!) allowed one run while striking out eight batters in seven innings.
-Olsen (winner!) allowed two runs over seven innings.
-Mitre (should have been a winner!) left with a 5-3 lead...damn you Benitez.
-Wainwright (winner!) struck out seven, walked one in seven innings.
-Oswalt (winner!) allowed a run and five hits in six innings.
-Santana (loser!...but not while on my team).

Wow, guys...way to make a manager proud. Now keep it up!

Oh, and Oswalt, we are NOT the DLs anymore...please don't be hurt.

-The Very Proud Management

UPDATE: Penny (double winner!) is now 12-1!

Dear Scott Olson,

We here in the Climate Changeups! (that's right, we're back) front office have seen it all when it comes to players not playing:

Suspended for fighting with the other team? Check (thanks Derrek).
Suspend for arguing with the umpire? Check (thanks Paul).
Disabled list? Check, check, check, check, check, check...
Stomach bug? Check (glad you felt better in time for the game, Garland).

But insubordination? Insubordination?!?!? You seem to have a history of problems with your own team (punched in the eye by teammate Randy Messenger, grabbed around the collar by former manager Joe Girardi...and this time Sergio Mitre pinned you against the wall).

I know you're passionate about pitching, but please, let's leave it on the mound...we've got plenty of arms now, so no acting up or you're gone.

-The Management

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 15):

A team BA that is under the Mendoza Line for the entire week? One (1) HR? I know it was a short week, but you were supposed to suck it up, not blow it off. You are now playing the surging Latino Legends (Third Outs) who are nipping at your heels. Another week like this and you're in 6th headed for the cellar.

So we've made a few changes. Johan and Roy, you had a good run here, but this is your last week as an Off the Waller. You can take solace in the fact that you're going for a good cause: A-Rod. What can I say? We need lumber, not Ks.

Curtis Granderson? Yeah, I know, he was on waivers for a reason, but he killed the Mariners and I had to watch all four games. So he's a teammate. Get used to it. Yeah, I know, there's no place to put him. Get over it.

The rest of you are hereby on the trading block. Take note, Run&Hits, Benchwarmers and Meats. Liza and the LexLegends have a nice lead. Who do you need to knock her off? Make us an offer. We're ready to reconstitute the team.

-- Off the Wall Department of Player Personnel.

Dear Rich Harden,

Why Rich, why? Why must you toy with your manager like this?

I can't say I was surprised that you went back on the DL...you're on my team, after all. The manager for the Third Outs has suggested that perhaps the DL is too enticing. Therefore, I have removed all reclining chairs and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Don't get too comfortable Rich...you may be ON the DL until September, but I don't know how much longer you'll BE a DL.

-The Management

Dear Albert Pujols,

I don't know why Tony left you on the bench either--with the bases loaded, two outs, the game on the line, and one of baseball's best closers on the mound, he looks at Orlando Hudson, Aaron Rowand, and you, and goes, "Yep, Hudson and Rowand. Obviously."

You know, I bet it would really get his goat if you went out and hit 30 or 40 home runs for the rest of the season. Just a suggestion.

Dear Unstopable DLs,

Well done boys:

-Suppan gave up six hits and four runs in five innings.
-Garland (6-6) tied a career-high by allowing 12 runs, 11 of them earned.
-Marquis gave up six runs on eight hits in Friday's loss to the Pirates.
-Harden allowed four runs, while walking three and striking out one.
-Penny allowed six runs on nine hits over four innings.
-Zito allowed six runs over four-plus innings.
-Olsen left in the second after allowing three earned runs, five hits and a walk
-Blanton ejected for shoving Ichiro Suzuki (plus allowing five runs in six-plus innings).

Wainwright, thanks for getting a win and blowing the nice trend the other guys had going.

-The very proud Management

Dear Chicago White Sox,

The next time you are planning on giving up 32 runs to the Twins in a single day, I would appreciate it if you would wait until AFTER their #3 and #5 hitters have moved on to inflict their 11/21 - 11 R - 3 HR - 14 RBI line on somebody else, so they cannot single-handedly demolish my previously safe-looking 50 BA - 200 OPS - 9 R - 4 HR - 8 RBI advantage.

Also, I would particularly appreciate it if you would not do so directly after I have added Jon Garland in my other league, who had previously reeled off six straight good outings, then promptly gave up 12 (12!) runs in 3.1 IP on his first start for me.

To the Twin Twins, the JM Boys:

Nice day of batting practice against the hapless Pale Hose. Your bonus checks (and new contracts) are in the mail.






--OTW's Giddy Ownership.

Dear DL Management,

Nice job catching that foul ball today! Bare-handed, no less!

-Frank Thomas

Dear Soon to be Ex-Benchwarmer, Brian Fuentes:

Next time you think you can get away with tanking on the Global Benchwarmers ownership, remember that this happened within 48 hours of their Unsent Letter to you:

Fuentes Temporarily Removed From Closer Role

Brian Fuentes has blown has last four save chances, and has been temporarily removed from the Rockies' closer job.

-- Anon.

Dear Tom Glavine,

Welcome to the team. You're our token white guy.

The Management

Dear Brian Fuentes,

This is getting a little ridiculous, don't you think? Especially since I have you on both my teams? One of which counts LOSSES?

Last Friday: 0.1 IP, 4 H, 3 R, 2 ER (54.00 ERA, 12.00 WHIP), L
Monday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 2 R, o ER (0.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Yesterday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 4 R, 4 ER, HR (54.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Today: 0.2 IP, 1 H, 2 R, 2 ER, HR (27.00 ERA, 3.00 WHIP), L

In other words, you've had four save opportunities in the last week (saves! saves are good!)--and you've blown ALL OF THEM. What gives? Are you hurt? No? Then what? No, seriously--what?

Dear D-Train,

It has been brought to the league's attention that you are severely underachieving. So, as the Owner/GM/Manager of the Meats, I demand that you perform at the level that was expected of you. I drafted you to be the rock in the rotation that consisted of some old vets and a couple of youngins and also to keep the clubhouse loose with your fun-loving attitude. Quit making me look bad and go kick some Pirate booty (pun completely intended).

-The Boss

Next to Chris Young vs. Derek Lee and Justin Morneau's chest vs. Miguel Olivo's shoulder, this may be the best match up of the year.

Jim & I are both looking for just a stock outing. No implosions allowed.

-- Off the Wall Pitching Department.

[Update: how it came out.]

Dear Cole Hamels and Yovani Gallardo,

OK, guys. Our pitching this week has not been great. Everyone can see that. Four of you have put up ERAs of 6 or higher. And, inexplicably, TWO of you have now given up home runs to Pedro Feliz, thereby single-handedly increasing his home run total by over 20 percent.

I just have a few things for you to keep in mind:

1. When you're sitting at 5.94/1.34, and your opponent is sitting at 5.77/1.57, it really doesn't take a whole lot to bring your ERA down enough to win. I'm not asking for no-hitters here. 6 IP, 3 ER apiece would be perfectly fine.
2. You're facing the Cardinals and the Royals, two of the more hapless offenses in baseball this year: 26th and 21st in runs scored, 14th and 22nd in batting average, 21st and 29th in home runs. But: Remember Jake Peavy and the Nationals. When Peavy has pitched against the Nationals this year--twice--he was all, "I'm Jake freakin' Peavy. I have a 1-something ERA and a microscopic WHIP and like a bazillion strikeouts. Hell, I might strike out 27 today, just because I can." And you know what? Peavy's 0-1 with a 3.85 ERA and 1.36 WHIP against the Nationals this year. Those numbers aren't awful, but the Nationals are 28th in runs scored, 29th in batting average, and 30th in home runs, and Peavy is the best pitcher in baseball this year, and he has yet to beat them. All I'm saying is, don't get cocky. Just go out and do your thing.
   
3. Next time, if you could arrange for one of you to pitch at 10 am and one to pitch at 1 pm, or some similar arrangement, so I can decide after one outing whether I really need the other, that would be great. Having both of you pitch at 11 am is not really working for me right now.
   

Dear WATB League Owners:

I've given up on my match up with the relentless, heartless, robotic Algorithms and I'm watching this one (as of Sat. night @ 5:30 pm). Except for Ks, all categories are up for grabs.






--Off the Wall Absentee Ownership

Ps: We're off with the Run & Hits and our respective significant others tomorrow to see Griff's last game ... ever... in Seattle.

Dear Team Off the Wall:

We know you're all big and tough, but no more running "through" the catcher.

"June 23 Morneau was taken to the hospital Friday with an injury to his right upper chest after he collided with Florida Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo. Morneau was coughing up blood repeatedly, was out of breath and had chest pains, ..."

[Joe Mauer, we trust there will be a few stunned Fish laying at your feet this weekend.]

-- OTW M.A.S.H Unit

Dear WATB League Owners:

Playing with the Yahoo DB on this sleepy Seattle Friday afternoon (waiting for the Griffey game to start), I discovered you could filter "All Players Taken." Since All Star ballots are out everywhere, I wondered what our team would look like. Its quite a bit different from what you would have expected at draft time... a testament to the somewhat random relationship between the predicted and actual rankings.























Other interesting DB morsels:

• Yahoo only perfectly predicted 2 of our players, i.e. O-ranking is same as current ranking: Alex 1-1 and JJ Hardy 38-38
  
  
• Biggest miss on the upside? Some over-achieving guy named "Hunter Pence" on the GBDubyas (Yahoo had him 410 places too low in O-ranking).
  
  
• [Updated with accurate, well... more accurate, information] Biggest miss on the ohmygod downside? Well, its all on the pitching side. [Thank you, Matt, for stepping up to plate and pointing out that I missed your guy (and all other pitchers apparently) in my scientific dissection of the Yahoo DB. ] If you thought your Carlos Zambrano, Jared Weaver, Scott Kazmir, or Barry Zito was underperforming his pre-season ranking, or you've been disappointed with the hitting of Brian McCann, Howie Kendrick, Cory Patterson or Lance Berkman, try Dontrelle Willis. Lovingly nicknamed the "D-Train" by his patiently steaming owner, Grabsumpine, he blew away the field with an O-ranking of 126 and a current ranking of 912. A spread of 786 places.
  
  
• There is only one Bonds and one Thomas in the Yahoo DB;
  
• two Dunns
• three Smiths, and Jacksons
• four Davis' and Molinas (all catchers, of course)
• five Cabreras
• six Rodriguez', Youngs
• seven Jones' and Gonzalez
• and nine Johnsons

(I got bored looking for eights).

Dear WATB League Owners:

Please excuse the Seattle contingent while we wax nostalgic this weekend.

-- Off the Wall on behalf of the Global Benchwarmers and the Run & Hits.

Dear Benchwarmer hitters and pitchers,

Is this some kind of protest against the Peavy-for-Pujols trade? Remember, the one I made because you hitters kept scuffling around .260/.780 territory, while all you pitchers were unhittable strikeout machines? (Yes, pitchers, I'm aware your 6.69/1.35 line is currently whomping the DLs'--I mean, the Meats'--9.31/2.28, but still. It's not that you're winning, it's that his guys seem to be going out of their way to lose. Bravo on the 4 wins with that line, though.)


Well, hitters, you've got Pujols on your side now instead of Konerko, so keep it up. Sabathia, you're my ace now that I've shipped off both Peavy and Lackey, and I expect you to act like one. Try and keep the other guys in line. Have a talk with Lincecum. Take young Yovani Gallardo out for dinner. Give everyone a fun nickname. Whatever works for you.

Dear Curt Schilling and Dontrelle Willis,

We are not the DL's and do not condone this behavior. If you feel any pain you get your butts in the training room to get a shot of cortisone or some advil and then get back on the field. None of this "but my shoulder hurts" or "Ow, my forearm is tight" business. Forearm tightness? What is that crap? When my carpal tunnel is acting up I still come to work!

Also, do not use the excuse that you were hurt after a poor outing.

This is unacceptable. If you want to be members of the DL's waive your no-trade clause and I will gladly trade you there.

-The GM

Dear Junior:

You've tantalized us all season with good numbers and no DL. Welcome to Team Off the Wall.

For you, however, it's Team Never Get Near the Wall. OK? While we're taking a leap of faith on you, the only "leaps" we want you taking are ones that get you out of the way of other players, fans, umpires, seats, dugouts, cars and meteors.

We've shelled out a small fortune for tickets to your triumphant Seattle return on Sunday, so let's follow this simple rule for staying healthy: defense doesn't matter. Let the ball drop. Really.

Besides, half of Mike's Run & Hits team is playing in that game and we need someone to root for.

-- Off the Wall Owner

Ps: ...and no running too hard either... your hammies and Achilles only have so much life left.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 11):

Oops.

I was ... mmm... "busy."

-- Off the Wall Bench Coach.

Ps: yes, it cost us the Ks crown for the week, but your pre-Sunday pitching and hitting cost us the other 6. Looking at the bright side, you did have a great Fathers Day Sunday. Any chance we could do that for a week? Beer and nachos for everybody if we can break our losing streak. -- OTW Ownership

Dear WATB League Owners:

It don't get much closer than this. Good luck.

--Off the Wallers












* Except the ex-Climatologists whose good luck
is temporarily suspended till Monday.

Dear Justin Verlander,

Wow.

Dear Ichiro Suzuki,

When asked about all the games that the Mariners have to make up in Cleveland that were snowed out, you gave the best quote ever:

To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying.

Awesome. Now, strikeout a lot more and you'll really be my favorite player.

-The IDL Management

Dear WATB League Owners:

Looking for some bats. Have some fine young starters. Make us an offer. Reasonable, please.

--Off the Wall Management

Ps: We may also be in the market for a new Director of Scouting, given the rapidity with which League Leading Liza and the LexLegs snapped up JJ Hardy when we let him and his "ain't never hitting no more HRs, I'm happy with singles" bat go this week.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 10):

We're not jumping, but we're out on the ledge.




Granted, the Pine Block boys posted some decent hitting numbers, but .233/.656 is an anemic, if not embarrassing response. I have no idea how you managed so many RBI, but 4 HRs is pathetic.

Now, Bat Boys, don't take this as a threat, but we'll be issuing a press release looking for some replacement parts. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Throwers, what can you do against .214/.095, except win more games and keep the freaking ball in the park (12 HRs?). Nice job on the Ks ... again, but an infield dribbler on a good change-up is an out, too. You don't all have to throw high, supposedly-unhittable heat all of the time.

Felix, Felix. What are we gonna do? Highest ERA and WHIP on the staff. Your peers, Carmona, Shields, & Gaudin, are leaving you in the dust ... to say nothing of veterans, Roy and Johan. Even Braden Freaking Looper is out pitching you. Be a man. Punch a wall (left hand, please), kick in a door, throw the water cooler, go have sex with something ... we don't care. Just start racking up some innings and wins. Comprende?

--OTW Management

Ps: thanks for the help at catcher, Mr. Napoli, when Joe Mauer was on the DL. We may invite you back...soon.

Dear Duncan Bros:

At about 9:00 p.m. Friday Dad checked in on you boys. Be nice, you're so freaking close. Maybe you both could tank and let me and Ms. Inclement back into the race this week? --Dad

UPDATE: Well, you took it down to the wire, K for K, HR for HR. Kind of fun to watch online Sunday night as the number of opportunities for glory dissipated. Here's where you were late Sunday night:




...but kudos where kudos are due, Li'l Bro's Run & Hits put the pedal to the metal and pulled it out by 1 R, 1 HR, 1 W and 1 K. Ouch, that's gotta hurt Team GDubya.

Dear Curt Schilling,

That's what I'm talking about!





Would have been nice if you could have gotten the last out for the no-hitter. But a complete game 1-hit shutout will do just fine.

To top it off, Big Papi hits a homerun to supply the only offense in the entire game.

Matt Cain, take notes, this might be the only way you will get any wins this season.

Official Press Release

The team formally known as the Climate Changeups will now be known as the Inclement DLs, effective immediately until all players are OFF the DL.

All players who join the DL run the risk of being dropped. If you think I'm joking, talk to Nate Robertson and his "tired" arm.

-The Management

Dear Nate Robertson,

Seriously?!?!

Nate Robertson failed to record an out as he allowed six runs and threw 30 first-inning pitches in his start Tuesday, June 5. The start was the worst of his last six, a period in which Robertson has gone 1-5 and allowed 26 runs in 25 2/3 innings.

Goodbye.
-Your Former Manager

Dear Team Off the Wall - Week 9

Shake it off, boys. You were close, but the Cuban cigars went to the Latino Express, featuring Victor (11 RBI, 1.141 OPS !) Martinez*.

Next week, keep your eyes on the ball and off the other team's owner.

--Off the Wall Management

* I know, we thought he was a catcher, too. Somehow the 3rd Outs owner conned the Injuns into playing Vic at 1B just long enough for her to stack the line up with both him and Posada. OTW legal counsel is looking into filing collusion and bribery charges with the league office.

Dear Third Outs,

Yesterday, JUNE 1st, collectively you were for 14 for 38, with 11 runs, 4 home runs, and 12 RBI.
I would like to point out that I predicted this breakout day back in April, when you were cold and sucking. Wait until June, I said. Just wait. I had no idea how literal and exact you guys were. But I thank you very much. I expect this kind of play the rest of the season. Except for you Zambrano. You need to apologize first, then start pitching like you mean it.

Dear Benchwarmer benchwarmers,

Lately, when making my lineup, I've been trying to guess when some of you might actually hit, because I am tired of seeing all of your zeros. Let's see how that's working out:

Paul Konerko
Playing: 2/7, 1 R, 1 RBI
Benched: 2/4, 1 HR, 1 R, 3 RBI

Michael Cuddyer
Playing: 3/7, 1 R, 1 RBI
Benched: 3/3, 3 R

Grady Sizemore
Playing: 0/7, 1 R
Benched: 2/4, 1 HR, 3 R, 2 RBI, 1 SB

Total
Playing: 5/21 (.238), 3 R, 2 RBI
Benched: 7/9 (.778), 2 HR, 5 R, 5 RBI, 1 SB

So, tell me: Are you going out of your way to make me look dumb, or what? (Lance Berkman, you are making me look somewhat smarter by only being benched and going 0/6, but frankly, I would much rather you hit anything at all.)

Dear Global BeeDubyas:

This has gotta hurt given your recent personnel moves at 2B and sub-Mendoza team BA:

"Summary: Orlando Hudson drove in four runs on four hits and the Diamondbacks beat the Phillies for their sixth straight win. -- May 29, 2007"

Sorry, it just caught my eye in passing... as I was digesting this bit of team bad news: http://tinyurl.com/2yxv3t

--Off the Wall Scouting and Statistical Dept.

Dear (oh, dear!) Armando Benitez:

I heard you had the stats of a lion, but the heart of a lamb. Jim warned me about you. The other owners urged us rookies to draft you (for their season long amusement).

But I was looking for an RP and, I admit, I considered you. Having the most saves of any available RP got my attention, but ... my ... oh, my that bottom of the 12th demonstration last night against the Mets was enough to scare me off of you forever:

Giants leading by one; save opportunity. Results: Single ... BALK1 (runner to second)...bunt out (runner to third)...ground out ... BALK2 (scored tied)...walk off HR (game over; save blown).

-- An Older, Wiser Off the Wall Management.

Dear Carlos Delgado,

Thank you for realizing June is just around the corner and being the first of the many struggling Third Outs to warm up and start hitting. Some other managers might have gotten rid of you a while ago, but lucky for you, I barely pay any attention to batting averages, who's hitting home runs, and what the other team is doing to kick our butts every week. And in doing so, I have unbelievably small expectations of which you have exceeded greatly, especially with your 5 (5!) RBIs on Saturday. Thank you for telling Tejada that he should start hitting too. Could you please also tell Abreu?

Dear Climate Changeups:

You did it! From 1-11 to 9-2-1 in one week. The CO2 spewing, gas guzzling Throbulators never knew what hit them.

Solar panels and Prius' for everyone!

--Adding a Wind Turbine Off the Wall

Dear Run & Hits:

So ... what's the secret? Maple colored aluminum bats? Cork in all the right places? Elixir in the Gatorade?

Considering that you were up against the league leader with 8 categories up for grabs that was a pretty impressive Sunday you bat boys came up with to smoke the Meats 9-1-2.

--Off the Wall with New Found Respect

Dear Scott Podsednik:

You are so busted.

As all WATB League owners know, Team Climate Changeups has been the victim of a series of performance-diminishing injury "difficulties," i.e. an abnormally high number of players on the DL. This week Team CC made one (1) strategic move: after having you around since ... when, March?... they waived your sorry glued-to-the-DL butt for shortstop, Edgar Renteria and the next day their season turned on the proverbial dime: from 1-11 to 11-1. It's a fantasy league dream. (Props to CC management.) So ... good bye, Scott. Don't need ya, don't want to see ya.

Caveat emptor to the rest of WATB League owners who may be tempted to drink from the Kool-aid that is Scott: this guy is a plague.

--Off the Wall Eagle-eyed Scouts

Dear Matt Holliday,

3/5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and even a stolen base yesterday. Glad to see you're reading the blog!

Dear Benchwarmer offense,

You are a sorry lot. You are in the bottom half overall in every offensive statistic except steals, and are dead last in batting average and OPS. And I'm not talking dead last like you're hitting .285/.880 and it's just that everyone else is doing better, neither. I'm talking .267/.789. In other words, as a group--as a group of allegedly elite, All Star-caliber players--you are Doug Mientkiewicz. You are Neifi Perez with a few more walks and slightly more power.

But so far, this week you have been particularly sorry. You have set new lows. You will note, for example, that seven (7) of you have one or fewer hits this week. Our current batting champion, Jim Thome (the only one excused from this particular letter), still does not have as many hits as freaking Magglio Ordonez had YESTERDAY.

Matt Holliday, I believed in you. I understood that you would not hit .375 all year. What I did not expect was that literally the instant you became a Benchwarmer, you would succumb to the malaise that has afflicted Lance Berkman and Paul Konerko all year. You know what you have done since hitting two home runs for my opponent on May 12, your last day as part of his team? I will tell you. You have hit .205 with a .507 OPS. You have 8 hits in the last two weeks, with 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and not a single home run.

I understand that you want to be liked by your teammates, that you don't want to be seen as a suck-up by hitting when everyone else is too cool for that. But please, just try explaining to them that hitting is fun. Tell them how great it was to be hitting .375. Tell Lance Berkman how fun it is to hit doubles, in case he's forgotten, because he has only one (1) this entire year. Remind Paul Konerko of how nice it is to hit the ball over the fence and then run slowly around the bases, like a pleasant jog in the afternoon, and how you don't even have to stand around on first base waiting for your teammate to ground into a double play, and how everyone high-fives you in the dugout when you get back.

I'm just saying, give it a try.

Dear Chad Gaudin:

Atta, boy! You can pitch for us any time.

(Not bad for the D-Rays' 34th rounder in 2001 draft. As usual, the A's let the Devil Boys and the Blue Birds fumble around before they swooped in and turning him into a pitcher.)

--Your Newly Loyal (but sometimes fickle) Off the Wall Fan Club

Dear Orlando Hudson,

So long, sucker. You were impressive at first. Then you got lazy. You thought, "Howie broke his freakin' hand. He's never coming back! And who else are you gonna get, anyway? Julio Lugo (.243/.668)? Felipe freakin' Lopez (.247/.666)? Chone Figgins (.130/.366)? I've got it made. I'm just going put my feet up and make myself comfortable. Any snacks around here?"

You may keep the 4 hits you have collected in your last 37 at-bats as a memento of your time with the team. Security will escort you from the building.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 7):

Pretty good week, gentlemen. Global Benchwarmers are your mirror image and you played them even up ... not to brag, but you actually eked out a second win in a row (6-5-1).

Pitchers: combining for just one (1) W and two (2) SVs was a head scratcher, but we won ERA (2.97) and Ks (64 to 56). Gold stars to Felix for getting off the DL and tossing 14 Ks (the ERA will come around) and to new OTW Young Guns, James Shields (13 Ks, 2.40 / .093 for the D-Rays) and Fausto Carmoda, (our 1 W, 0.00 ERA and .067 WHIP) for not tanking as soon as the contracts were signed.

Welcome, Chad Gaudin (rhymes with that French painter guy who dabbled in all things gaudy and Polynesian) from the A's.

Hitters: you shocked the league, your owners, your wives and girl friends, your dogs and the Commissioner by winning 4 categories, most shockingly HRs (11-9) and RBI (44-31). Gold stars all around... well, except 2B where we are still desperately searching for a bat (but not as much as Global BDubya's saddled with, as their owner refers to him, "Orlando 0-4 Hudson.")

Welcome to Kevin Youkilis (BoSox) who added some punch, but in an owner error seems to be platooning with our new 3B, Mike Lowell. Oops. Adios to Shane Victorininoino, who came up for cup of coffee in another head scratching "move" by ownership.

Dear Rickie Weeks:

Next time you're planning to suddenly recover from your wrist issues and return to the line-up unannounced to bang out a career-high four freaking hits (and 3 RBI), please call first. Would have helped avoid a 1-9-2 start to the week against the Mighty LexLegs. Thanks.
--OTW Ownership

Dear Climate Changeups,

COME ON!

-The Management

Dear Third Outs,

We won! We won! We won!

Dear Nick Swisher,

THANK YOU! Now I can only complain about your performance at the plate.

-The Management

Clubhouse Posting for Team Off the Wall:

All further contact with the Climate Change-ups is hereby prohibited.

The CDC has issued a nationwide alert after discovery that the Change-ups are carrying a highly contagious, virulent strain of a potentially career threatening disease: Injury Proneosity (IP). Three days ago Rickie Weeks, Joe Mauer and our super-sized hero, Josh Beckett went partying with Adam Wainwright. Result:

• "Weeks will miss the next few games with a wrist injury, according to the Milwaukee radio broadcast. There was no indication if it was the same wrist that caused Weeks to miss the end of last season and have surgery in the off-season."

• "St. Paul Pioneer Press, reports Minnesota Twins C Joe Mauer (quad) will likely need more than the standard 15 days to recover from his strained left quadriceps."

• "Josh Beckett, baseball's winningest pitcher, is headed for the disabled list because of a finger injury and is expected to miss two starts before returning for Boston's home game May 29 against Cleveland."

For you Off the Wall super-studs who think this can't affect you (Hello, Bronson Arroyo?) , the CDC reports that a common side effect of IP is an acute case of "penile shrinkage." Remember all those questions about Change-up ace, Pedro Martinez's, "manliness?" You don't think the Latin Macho Man's been on the DL all season because of a little arm soreness, do you?

Enough said.

--Off the Wall Training, Personal Hygiene and Prescription Medication Dept.

Attention all Climate Changeups:

NO ONE GOES ON THE DL FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF THE SEASON! I'm looking at you Adam Wainwright (p.s. what the hell happened last game?).

I'm serious...no more injuries.

And to Nick Swisher, just because I'm preoccupied by my entire pitching staff headed to the DL, don't think I've forgotten about your hair. Cut it.

-The very annoyed Management

Dear Matt Holliday,

Saturday, your last day before joining the Benchwarmers: 2/4, 2 R, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 0 BB, 0 K

Since then:

Sunday: 0/3, 0 R, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 2 K
Monday: 0/3, 0 R, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 1 K

Welcome--I see you're fitting in already.

Dear Junior:

Who knew you had a sense of humor?

--Jocks for Jr.

Dear Josh Beckett:

No-o-o-o-o-o!

"May 15 Gordon Edes, of the Boston Globe, reports the Boston Red Sox may be forced to put SP Josh Beckett (finger) on the disabled list. Beckett is not expected to make his next start."

--Babes for Beckett Fan Club
"We have a love-hate relationship with your baby-smooth fingers."

Dear WATB League Owners:

They must have been watching Pudge last night.

--OTW Drug Watch Department

Ps: Props to the Lex Legends for nearly running the table last week (11-1). They obviously have discovered a new masking agent or all this background noise about Al Gore's carbon footprint distracted the Climate Changeups from the series.