Dear Third Outs,

We are number 3! We are number 3! And we couldn't be happier. Now for some awards:

Third Outs MVP: Magglio Ordonez. Way to keep your eye on the ball! And thank you for starting to hit, with a bang, on June 1st, when it warmed up, just like you said you would.

The I Heart My Catchers Award: Victor Martinez and Jorge Posada. Thank goodness for "1st-base eligibility." You two were quite the wrecking crew and caused jealous looks from other team owners.

The Best-Closer-I-Had-Never-Heard-Of-Before Award: Jose Valverde. But seriously, could you maybe stop doing such a good job in the playoffs and blow a couple of them so the Cubs could win?

The Ace Award: Javier Vazquez. You must have seen me in the crowd in at that one Spring Training game. That is the only explanation for how good, consistently good, you were all season.

The Token White Guy Award: Tom Glavine. But really, no one else could have won it. It's kind of like running unopposed.

The Gone But Not Forgotten Award: Omar!

The Gone But Gladly Forgotten Award: All the rest of you that I had to drop! Yes, pitchers, I'm talking about you! Especially you, Colon, and you, Ervin Santana, and you, Contreras.
Way to give up a home run, or two, or maybe like five, per game.

Have a good offseason. Spend time with your family. Write some books (such as Omar! My Life On and Off the Field). Jam with your band. Take it one day at a time. Next year is your year.

Dear Global Benchwarmers,

You had some rough times. Remember in April, when you were Rich Aurilia, and Jim Thome's addiction to barbecued ribs made headline news? Remember back in May, two months into the season, when you were still Neifi Perez, and when you liked to taunt me by only hitting on my bench? Remember when Brian Fuentes was a solid closer?

But then you started to turn it around, didn't you? Management made some bold trades, bringing in Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday while shipping off the likes of Jake Peavy, John Lackey, and Bobby Jenks. And then you started hitting! And you could still kind of pitch, too, thanks to inconsistent but occasionally ass-kicking youngsters like "Tiny" Tim Lincecum, Yovani "Viva" Gallardo, and Philip "Phil" Hughes! You went 29-6-1 over the last three weeks of the season to go from fourth to second (nicely done!), took a week off, and then demolished both the hapless Off the Wall II and the formerly unstoppable Lexington Legends 11-1--posting an absurd 51-8-1 record over the last six weeks of play.

Awards are handed out as follows:

Comeback Kid: David Wright, who couldn't hit it out the infield the first month and a half of the season, and finished with a ridiculous 113 R, 30 HR, 107 RBI, 34 SB, .325/.962 line
Best Add/Drop Addition: Russell Martin (for Michael "Who?" Barrett), for contributing 21 SB at the catcher position
Rookie of the Year (joint): Hunter Pence (.322/.899, 17 HR, 11 SB in 107 G) and Yovani Gallardo (9 W, 3.67 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 101:37 K:BB in 110.1 IP)
Cy Young (joint): Jake Peavy and C.C. Sabathia--for both the Benchwarmers and in "real" baseball, although C.C. will lose to Josh Beckett because Beckett's extra win was a round number
MVP: Matt Holliday--who will also garner some votes in "real" baseball, but will lose to Jimmy Rollins--for coming in early via John Lackey and Bobby Jenks and putting up a final line of 120 R, 36 HR, 137 RBI, 11 SB, .340/1.012

For those of you who were not recognized, remember, that image of a trophy on my manager page will live forever, and belongs to you.

***

To the other teams in the league who were not fortunate enough to be the Benchwarmers this year, here's how you finished:

2. Lexington Legends (aka "The Actual Best Team, Probably")
3. The Third Outs (aka "The Latin Fireballs," and winner of the league Comeback Award)
4. Off the Wall II (aka "Did You Just Hit a Home Run? Come Be On Our Team!" and winner of the league Add/Drop Award)
5. The Run-and-Hits (aka "Stupid Mariners!")
6. Grabsumpine Meats (aka "We Looked Like a Total Genius for Drafting Torii Hunter, Eric Byrnes, and Barry Bonds . . . Until the Last Month")
7. Climate Changeups! (aka "Yes, We're All Hurt, Again," and winner of the league Yes! Didn't Finish in Last! Eat It, Throbulators! Award)
8. Throbulators (aka "We Couldn't Remember How to Log In Between April and September--Did We Miss Anything?")

Hope you'll all return next year. Remember, the 2008 season is only a short six months away. It's never too early to start preparing for the draft!

P.S. Cubs all the way 2007!!!