Dear Brian Fuentes,

This is getting a little ridiculous, don't you think? Especially since I have you on both my teams? One of which counts LOSSES?

Last Friday: 0.1 IP, 4 H, 3 R, 2 ER (54.00 ERA, 12.00 WHIP), L
Monday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 2 R, o ER (0.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Yesterday: 0.2 IP, 3 H, 4 R, 4 ER, HR (54.00 ERA, 4.50 WHIP), L
Today: 0.2 IP, 1 H, 2 R, 2 ER, HR (27.00 ERA, 3.00 WHIP), L

In other words, you've had four save opportunities in the last week (saves! saves are good!)--and you've blown ALL OF THEM. What gives? Are you hurt? No? Then what? No, seriously--what?

Dear D-Train,

It has been brought to the league's attention that you are severely underachieving. So, as the Owner/GM/Manager of the Meats, I demand that you perform at the level that was expected of you. I drafted you to be the rock in the rotation that consisted of some old vets and a couple of youngins and also to keep the clubhouse loose with your fun-loving attitude. Quit making me look bad and go kick some Pirate booty (pun completely intended).

-The Boss

Next to Chris Young vs. Derek Lee and Justin Morneau's chest vs. Miguel Olivo's shoulder, this may be the best match up of the year.

Jim & I are both looking for just a stock outing. No implosions allowed.

-- Off the Wall Pitching Department.

[Update: how it came out.]

Dear Cole Hamels and Yovani Gallardo,

OK, guys. Our pitching this week has not been great. Everyone can see that. Four of you have put up ERAs of 6 or higher. And, inexplicably, TWO of you have now given up home runs to Pedro Feliz, thereby single-handedly increasing his home run total by over 20 percent.

I just have a few things for you to keep in mind:

1. When you're sitting at 5.94/1.34, and your opponent is sitting at 5.77/1.57, it really doesn't take a whole lot to bring your ERA down enough to win. I'm not asking for no-hitters here. 6 IP, 3 ER apiece would be perfectly fine.
2. You're facing the Cardinals and the Royals, two of the more hapless offenses in baseball this year: 26th and 21st in runs scored, 14th and 22nd in batting average, 21st and 29th in home runs. But: Remember Jake Peavy and the Nationals. When Peavy has pitched against the Nationals this year--twice--he was all, "I'm Jake freakin' Peavy. I have a 1-something ERA and a microscopic WHIP and like a bazillion strikeouts. Hell, I might strike out 27 today, just because I can." And you know what? Peavy's 0-1 with a 3.85 ERA and 1.36 WHIP against the Nationals this year. Those numbers aren't awful, but the Nationals are 28th in runs scored, 29th in batting average, and 30th in home runs, and Peavy is the best pitcher in baseball this year, and he has yet to beat them. All I'm saying is, don't get cocky. Just go out and do your thing.
   
3. Next time, if you could arrange for one of you to pitch at 10 am and one to pitch at 1 pm, or some similar arrangement, so I can decide after one outing whether I really need the other, that would be great. Having both of you pitch at 11 am is not really working for me right now.
   

Dear WATB League Owners:

I've given up on my match up with the relentless, heartless, robotic Algorithms and I'm watching this one (as of Sat. night @ 5:30 pm). Except for Ks, all categories are up for grabs.






--Off the Wall Absentee Ownership

Ps: We're off with the Run & Hits and our respective significant others tomorrow to see Griff's last game ... ever... in Seattle.

Dear Team Off the Wall:

We know you're all big and tough, but no more running "through" the catcher.

"June 23 Morneau was taken to the hospital Friday with an injury to his right upper chest after he collided with Florida Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo. Morneau was coughing up blood repeatedly, was out of breath and had chest pains, ..."

[Joe Mauer, we trust there will be a few stunned Fish laying at your feet this weekend.]

-- OTW M.A.S.H Unit

Dear WATB League Owners:

Playing with the Yahoo DB on this sleepy Seattle Friday afternoon (waiting for the Griffey game to start), I discovered you could filter "All Players Taken." Since All Star ballots are out everywhere, I wondered what our team would look like. Its quite a bit different from what you would have expected at draft time... a testament to the somewhat random relationship between the predicted and actual rankings.























Other interesting DB morsels:

• Yahoo only perfectly predicted 2 of our players, i.e. O-ranking is same as current ranking: Alex 1-1 and JJ Hardy 38-38
  
  
• Biggest miss on the upside? Some over-achieving guy named "Hunter Pence" on the GBDubyas (Yahoo had him 410 places too low in O-ranking).
  
  
• [Updated with accurate, well... more accurate, information] Biggest miss on the ohmygod downside? Well, its all on the pitching side. [Thank you, Matt, for stepping up to plate and pointing out that I missed your guy (and all other pitchers apparently) in my scientific dissection of the Yahoo DB. ] If you thought your Carlos Zambrano, Jared Weaver, Scott Kazmir, or Barry Zito was underperforming his pre-season ranking, or you've been disappointed with the hitting of Brian McCann, Howie Kendrick, Cory Patterson or Lance Berkman, try Dontrelle Willis. Lovingly nicknamed the "D-Train" by his patiently steaming owner, Grabsumpine, he blew away the field with an O-ranking of 126 and a current ranking of 912. A spread of 786 places.
  
  
• There is only one Bonds and one Thomas in the Yahoo DB;
  
• two Dunns
• three Smiths, and Jacksons
• four Davis' and Molinas (all catchers, of course)
• five Cabreras
• six Rodriguez', Youngs
• seven Jones' and Gonzalez
• and nine Johnsons

(I got bored looking for eights).

Dear WATB League Owners:

Please excuse the Seattle contingent while we wax nostalgic this weekend.

-- Off the Wall on behalf of the Global Benchwarmers and the Run & Hits.

Dear Benchwarmer hitters and pitchers,

Is this some kind of protest against the Peavy-for-Pujols trade? Remember, the one I made because you hitters kept scuffling around .260/.780 territory, while all you pitchers were unhittable strikeout machines? (Yes, pitchers, I'm aware your 6.69/1.35 line is currently whomping the DLs'--I mean, the Meats'--9.31/2.28, but still. It's not that you're winning, it's that his guys seem to be going out of their way to lose. Bravo on the 4 wins with that line, though.)


Well, hitters, you've got Pujols on your side now instead of Konerko, so keep it up. Sabathia, you're my ace now that I've shipped off both Peavy and Lackey, and I expect you to act like one. Try and keep the other guys in line. Have a talk with Lincecum. Take young Yovani Gallardo out for dinner. Give everyone a fun nickname. Whatever works for you.

Dear Curt Schilling and Dontrelle Willis,

We are not the DL's and do not condone this behavior. If you feel any pain you get your butts in the training room to get a shot of cortisone or some advil and then get back on the field. None of this "but my shoulder hurts" or "Ow, my forearm is tight" business. Forearm tightness? What is that crap? When my carpal tunnel is acting up I still come to work!

Also, do not use the excuse that you were hurt after a poor outing.

This is unacceptable. If you want to be members of the DL's waive your no-trade clause and I will gladly trade you there.

-The GM

Dear Junior:

You've tantalized us all season with good numbers and no DL. Welcome to Team Off the Wall.

For you, however, it's Team Never Get Near the Wall. OK? While we're taking a leap of faith on you, the only "leaps" we want you taking are ones that get you out of the way of other players, fans, umpires, seats, dugouts, cars and meteors.

We've shelled out a small fortune for tickets to your triumphant Seattle return on Sunday, so let's follow this simple rule for staying healthy: defense doesn't matter. Let the ball drop. Really.

Besides, half of Mike's Run & Hits team is playing in that game and we need someone to root for.

-- Off the Wall Owner

Ps: ...and no running too hard either... your hammies and Achilles only have so much life left.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 11):

Oops.

I was ... mmm... "busy."

-- Off the Wall Bench Coach.

Ps: yes, it cost us the Ks crown for the week, but your pre-Sunday pitching and hitting cost us the other 6. Looking at the bright side, you did have a great Fathers Day Sunday. Any chance we could do that for a week? Beer and nachos for everybody if we can break our losing streak. -- OTW Ownership

Dear WATB League Owners:

It don't get much closer than this. Good luck.

--Off the Wallers












* Except the ex-Climatologists whose good luck
is temporarily suspended till Monday.

Dear Justin Verlander,

Wow.

Dear Ichiro Suzuki,

When asked about all the games that the Mariners have to make up in Cleveland that were snowed out, you gave the best quote ever:

To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying.

Awesome. Now, strikeout a lot more and you'll really be my favorite player.

-The IDL Management

Dear WATB League Owners:

Looking for some bats. Have some fine young starters. Make us an offer. Reasonable, please.

--Off the Wall Management

Ps: We may also be in the market for a new Director of Scouting, given the rapidity with which League Leading Liza and the LexLegs snapped up JJ Hardy when we let him and his "ain't never hitting no more HRs, I'm happy with singles" bat go this week.

Dear Team Off the Wall (Week 10):

We're not jumping, but we're out on the ledge.




Granted, the Pine Block boys posted some decent hitting numbers, but .233/.656 is an anemic, if not embarrassing response. I have no idea how you managed so many RBI, but 4 HRs is pathetic.

Now, Bat Boys, don't take this as a threat, but we'll be issuing a press release looking for some replacement parts. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Throwers, what can you do against .214/.095, except win more games and keep the freaking ball in the park (12 HRs?). Nice job on the Ks ... again, but an infield dribbler on a good change-up is an out, too. You don't all have to throw high, supposedly-unhittable heat all of the time.

Felix, Felix. What are we gonna do? Highest ERA and WHIP on the staff. Your peers, Carmona, Shields, & Gaudin, are leaving you in the dust ... to say nothing of veterans, Roy and Johan. Even Braden Freaking Looper is out pitching you. Be a man. Punch a wall (left hand, please), kick in a door, throw the water cooler, go have sex with something ... we don't care. Just start racking up some innings and wins. Comprende?

--OTW Management

Ps: thanks for the help at catcher, Mr. Napoli, when Joe Mauer was on the DL. We may invite you back...soon.

Dear Duncan Bros:

At about 9:00 p.m. Friday Dad checked in on you boys. Be nice, you're so freaking close. Maybe you both could tank and let me and Ms. Inclement back into the race this week? --Dad

UPDATE: Well, you took it down to the wire, K for K, HR for HR. Kind of fun to watch online Sunday night as the number of opportunities for glory dissipated. Here's where you were late Sunday night:




...but kudos where kudos are due, Li'l Bro's Run & Hits put the pedal to the metal and pulled it out by 1 R, 1 HR, 1 W and 1 K. Ouch, that's gotta hurt Team GDubya.

Dear Curt Schilling,

That's what I'm talking about!





Would have been nice if you could have gotten the last out for the no-hitter. But a complete game 1-hit shutout will do just fine.

To top it off, Big Papi hits a homerun to supply the only offense in the entire game.

Matt Cain, take notes, this might be the only way you will get any wins this season.

Official Press Release

The team formally known as the Climate Changeups will now be known as the Inclement DLs, effective immediately until all players are OFF the DL.

All players who join the DL run the risk of being dropped. If you think I'm joking, talk to Nate Robertson and his "tired" arm.

-The Management

Dear Nate Robertson,

Seriously?!?!

Nate Robertson failed to record an out as he allowed six runs and threw 30 first-inning pitches in his start Tuesday, June 5. The start was the worst of his last six, a period in which Robertson has gone 1-5 and allowed 26 runs in 25 2/3 innings.

Goodbye.
-Your Former Manager

Dear Team Off the Wall - Week 9

Shake it off, boys. You were close, but the Cuban cigars went to the Latino Express, featuring Victor (11 RBI, 1.141 OPS !) Martinez*.

Next week, keep your eyes on the ball and off the other team's owner.

--Off the Wall Management

* I know, we thought he was a catcher, too. Somehow the 3rd Outs owner conned the Injuns into playing Vic at 1B just long enough for her to stack the line up with both him and Posada. OTW legal counsel is looking into filing collusion and bribery charges with the league office.

Dear Third Outs,

Yesterday, JUNE 1st, collectively you were for 14 for 38, with 11 runs, 4 home runs, and 12 RBI.
I would like to point out that I predicted this breakout day back in April, when you were cold and sucking. Wait until June, I said. Just wait. I had no idea how literal and exact you guys were. But I thank you very much. I expect this kind of play the rest of the season. Except for you Zambrano. You need to apologize first, then start pitching like you mean it.