Dear John Boy (Cueto):

Oh, my. I guess we knew this was possible for one so young... but .. Oh, my, this was ugly. Doubtful any WATBL pitcher will collapse this far in one start in ERA and WHIP. (WATBL owners: by all means, feel free to have one of your pitchers knock Johnny off that "pedestal.")

Shall we dissect it further? Sure, what the heck. Here's what happened in inning the first:








Here's what occurred in the 2/3 inning of the second that you lasted.
You got Albert, but ...mmmm...the rest was not pretty:








You hang in there, J.C. We're with you... especially if this is the bottom.

-- Vitamin D Ownership

Dear Hunter Pence, Jim Thome, Hideki Matsui, and Evan Longoria,

The four of you are all excellent players, but unfortunately I only have two free starting spots to fit you in. Over the last week I just took my best guess at who to play each day, and this was the result:

- Whoever was active: 9/42 (.214), 5 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 0 SB
- Whoever was benched: 18/42 (.429), 12 R, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 2 SB

Now, perhaps you're getting nervous when you know you're in the lineup, and fortunately the Blizzards were still able to pull out a 10-1-1 victory on the last two days over the very lovely and incomparably talented Glitterbugz. But in the future, please notify me each day in writing of the number and type of hits you plan to have that day so that management can plan accordingly. Thank you.

Dear Francisco Liriano,

No no no no no no no no no no no no nooooooooooo please remember how to pitch.

Dear Commish:

What would it take to give us all more roster moves? With the sorry physical condition of this year's crop of supposedly professional ball players and the sorry state of my draft I'm in danger of exhausting my alloted roster moves before Independence Day.

Rickie Weeks? Gone. Jimmy Rollins? Gone. Pat Burrell? Gone. (Ooooops.) Whorehey Posada? Gone. Chad "Stupid Grin" Cordero, my "ace" closer? Gone. And now, Manny "Gag Me With a Smurf" Corpas decides to go postal. Gone. Carlos Delgado? Just about to be Gone. Sheesh.

Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze, give us some more.

Thank you,

--Vitamin D (for Desparate) Ownership, on behalf of my fellow and fellowette owners.

Dear Late Season Fizzlers,

WTF? First Curtis "20, 20, 20" Granderson goes on the DL with a broken hand? Fine. Then, Kelvim Escobar goes on the DL with a torn labrum and may miss the season (or potentially end his career). Ok, we'll manage. Then Kaz "Oww, My Butt Hurts" Matsui gets an anal fissure...not touching that...Now we got Torii Hunter with a big toe, Gary Sheffield with a shoulder, and new comer Wandy Rodriguez on the DL with a groin.

We are not the DLs. We do not draft pitchers who are known to be out until August prior to the draft and we do not draft pitchers who have not pitched a full season in 4 years, no matter how good they are.

Meanwhile, our best player, Albert "POO-holes" Pujols is playing with an elbow that is hanging on by a thread.

Please get well soon. We need all the help we can get so we can work our way to the top and roll over and die in the playoffs.

Thanks,
The Fizz Management

Dear Rickie Weeks:

Dude, your season-long flirtation with the Mendoza Line is starting to infect the rest of the team. Now you've dragged Hafner & Grady down with you for the week. The fifteen runs scored is nice (and the only reason you're in the lineup), but having the same number of Ks as Hits is ridiculous. Your role is to get on-base, not be a free swinging "slugger." Capiche?

--- Vitamin D Management

Dear Chad Cordero:

Wipe that stupid grin off your face. Your so-called "fastball" was initially clocked in the 70's yesterday... and "topped out" at 82. Get your behind back on the DL where you belong you %&%$#*

--Vitamin D Ownership (warming up in the bullpen)

Dear Roy Oswalt,

OK, so perhaps I was a little hasty in my previous post, but even you have to admit—your first three starts, in which you went 0-3 against the Padres, Cubs, and Marlins with a 9.00 ERA and 2.00 WHIP (16 ER and 30 H, including 5 HRs, in 16 IP), were not inspiring confidence. Although I was pleased to have you as a #3 starter, your sudden emergency role as ace of the Blizzard staff during DL stints for both Erik Bedard and John Lackey was making even the normally stoic Dice-K a little nervous.

But excellent work yesterday, sir, and against the Phillies no less! (Phillies without Rollins and Victorino, but still.)

Dear Brad Penny and Yahoo!,

Brad - Good luck tonight against the Steelers!










Yahoo(ps)! - Seriously, the Steelers?

Fizz Management

Dear Erik Bedard and John Lackey,

You've left me with this guy as my ace starter. Gee, thanks.

Dear Chris Young (the alleged pitcher, not the batter)

Thank you. Thank you, very much, you tall drink of ineptitude.

I went to bed (admittedly early) comfortable with a 7-3 match-up lead, including a 2.25 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. I was ready to rest the staff Sunday (and not risk starting Mr. Hot & Cold, Young Johnny Cueto). So ... I wake up to an ERA that has ballooned to three point nine one (3.91) and we're behind in WHIP. Huh? Investigation of this calamity led me to the Yahoo "splat" next to your name. And I quote:

"Apr 13 RHP Chris Young threw 80 pitches in three-plus innings, allowing seven runs, seven hits and four walks. Young retired only nine of the 21 batters he faced."

Another Yahoo reporter was more judgmental:

"Apr 12 Young was absolutely awful Saturday night, allowing seven runs and eleven base runners in only three innings of work. He walked four, struck out two, and allowed home runs to Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier. He actually looked even worse than his final pitching line during the game--which is really saying something. Just an ugly game all around."

This is what it looks like in the official WATBL stats for the day:





Eighteen?? Almost four walks+hits per inning?? Please consider re-joining your buddy, Rich Harden, on the DL. After all you both had great layabout seasons there in '07. That way I can add Rick Ankiel to my staff. At least he can hit.




--Vitamin D Front Office

Dear Rich Harden,

Just a reminder, WE ARE NOT THE DL'S THIS YEAR! You are a Honey Nut Ichiro, and Honey Nut Ichiro's do not go on the DL!

The DL is not the place of luxury that it was last year: there are no massage chairs and no all-you-can-eat buffets. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THE DL.

I'll give you a few more days to rest your arm, but then I expect to see you back to starting day form.

-The Management