Dear Commish:

What would it take to give us all more roster moves? With the sorry physical condition of this year's crop of supposedly professional ball players and the sorry state of my draft I'm in danger of exhausting my alloted roster moves before Independence Day.

Rickie Weeks? Gone. Jimmy Rollins? Gone. Pat Burrell? Gone. (Ooooops.) Whorehey Posada? Gone. Chad "Stupid Grin" Cordero, my "ace" closer? Gone. And now, Manny "Gag Me With a Smurf" Corpas decides to go postal. Gone. Carlos Delgado? Just about to be Gone. Sheesh.

Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze, give us some more.

Thank you,

--Vitamin D (for Desparate) Ownership, on behalf of my fellow and fellowette owners.

Dear Late Season Fizzlers,

WTF? First Curtis "20, 20, 20" Granderson goes on the DL with a broken hand? Fine. Then, Kelvim Escobar goes on the DL with a torn labrum and may miss the season (or potentially end his career). Ok, we'll manage. Then Kaz "Oww, My Butt Hurts" Matsui gets an anal fissure...not touching that...Now we got Torii Hunter with a big toe, Gary Sheffield with a shoulder, and new comer Wandy Rodriguez on the DL with a groin.

We are not the DLs. We do not draft pitchers who are known to be out until August prior to the draft and we do not draft pitchers who have not pitched a full season in 4 years, no matter how good they are.

Meanwhile, our best player, Albert "POO-holes" Pujols is playing with an elbow that is hanging on by a thread.

Please get well soon. We need all the help we can get so we can work our way to the top and roll over and die in the playoffs.

Thanks,
The Fizz Management

Dear Rickie Weeks:

Dude, your season-long flirtation with the Mendoza Line is starting to infect the rest of the team. Now you've dragged Hafner & Grady down with you for the week. The fifteen runs scored is nice (and the only reason you're in the lineup), but having the same number of Ks as Hits is ridiculous. Your role is to get on-base, not be a free swinging "slugger." Capiche?

--- Vitamin D Management

Dear Chad Cordero:

Wipe that stupid grin off your face. Your so-called "fastball" was initially clocked in the 70's yesterday... and "topped out" at 82. Get your behind back on the DL where you belong you %&%$#*

--Vitamin D Ownership (warming up in the bullpen)

Dear Roy Oswalt,

OK, so perhaps I was a little hasty in my previous post, but even you have to admit—your first three starts, in which you went 0-3 against the Padres, Cubs, and Marlins with a 9.00 ERA and 2.00 WHIP (16 ER and 30 H, including 5 HRs, in 16 IP), were not inspiring confidence. Although I was pleased to have you as a #3 starter, your sudden emergency role as ace of the Blizzard staff during DL stints for both Erik Bedard and John Lackey was making even the normally stoic Dice-K a little nervous.

But excellent work yesterday, sir, and against the Phillies no less! (Phillies without Rollins and Victorino, but still.)

Dear Brad Penny and Yahoo!,

Brad - Good luck tonight against the Steelers!










Yahoo(ps)! - Seriously, the Steelers?

Fizz Management

Dear Erik Bedard and John Lackey,

You've left me with this guy as my ace starter. Gee, thanks.