Dear Blizzard hitters,

It is time for your two-week performance evaluation. Let us review where you stand in total accumulated statistics:

• 40 R (10th of 10)
• 10 HR (T-9th)
• 51 RBI (8th)
• 6 SB (9th)
• .220 AVG (10th)
• .670 OPS (10th)

That would be a pretty good week, actually. (If we pretend that AVG and OPS don't exist, which, please, let's just do that.) Except that it took you two. And that is why you have not yet won a single hitting category this season. Not even tied. Not even close.

That is a truly dismal performance, and you should all hang your heads in shame.

Now let us discuss each of you individually, shall we?

• Geovany Soto: I didn't really want to spend a 6th-round pick on a catcher in the first place. So far you are not making me feel any better about that.
• Prince Fielder: .175/.652? Really? Please eat a cheeseburger. Or three.
• Mike Aviles: You are two days from getting dropped.
• Chris Davis: 18 strikeouts in 39 at-bats is more than a little scary. Then you hit home runs in back-to-back days, and it looked like you were coming around, yet for some reason those home runs resulted in you sitting out the next game. Yes, the one where the Rangers scored 19 runs and Ian Kinsler had more hits than most of you had all season at that point. Please give Ron Washington my regards.
• Jose Reyes: Your numbers are satisfactory. Thank you.
• Josh Hamilton: Yours are not. You have struck out 10 times in your last 17 at-bats. Please stop swinging at the first pitch.
• Carlos Lee: You hit the team's first home run of the season (six days in!), and for that I applaud you. But .238/.697?
• Jason Bay: Your numbers are exceptional, a beacon of light in the darkness. You are hereby promoted directly from Third Outfielder to Team Captain. Your immediate duties will include locating cheeseburgers for Prince Fielder and showing Josh Hamilton how to not swing at the first pitch.
• Jay Bruce: I have fond memories of your first few weeks in the majors last year, and the consensus seemed to be that your talent would emerge this year. So far the results have more resembled the remainder of your season last year, of which I do not have such fond memories.
• Matt Wieters: You get a pass for now. But it would be nice if you actually do something when you do get the call.

Given the massive discrepancy between assembled level of talent and actual results thus far, here is what I am going to assume: You are all planning a surprise party for me! Any minute now you're all going to leap out from behind the furniture wearing funny hats and shout, "Surprise! Look, we got you some hits!" And I'll say (and I will mean every word): "Thank you, thank you so much, it's just what I wanted."