Dear Nick Swisher,

I hate to say I told you so, but, well, I told you so. Had you followed my advice and CUT YOUR HAIR, you wouldn't have had to twist your head around so much to see where the ball was, your leg wouldn't have buckled, and you wouldn't have pulled your hamstring. See, I was just looking out for you.

I expect you to report back to work in five days with short hair (no mullet, no corn rows).

-The Management

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